How to Get Someone to Stop Drinking Alcohol (It’s Not Easy)

The best thing you can do in a difficult case is refer your friend or family member to a professional who can provide coaching on alcohol abuse.

Coaching The best thing you can do in a difficult case is refer your friend or family member to a professional who can provide coaching on alcohol abuse.

Rehab Helps Thousands of Addicts Quit. It Can Help You, Too.

If you are concerned that someone close to you might have a problem with alcohol, your instinct reaction is probably that you wish you could get him or her to stop drinking. However, doing so is not easy, and it’s a path on which you have to be careful how you tread. It’s certainly something you’ll want to think about before approaching. After all, you really don’t want to open an unnecessary can of worms.

Getting someone to get sober and stop drinking alcohol is hard because alcoholics become emotionally attached to the substance. Those who abuse alcohol drink because they are dependent on the substance. Given this alone, the most important thing you can do to help someone who is drinking too much is to have open communication.

Perhaps the best first step to take is to schedule time to meet with the friend or family member you are concerned about. It’s very important that this is a private meeting and that it takes place somewhere you are both comfortable. It’s very important that the person is sober when this conversation takes place. Tell him or her you have something serious you’d like to discuss and take it from there.

private meeting and conversation Once you two are alone, you can ask the pertinent questions. You can approach the conversation in different ways, but what is most important is that you get to the problems that are at the root of your friend or family member’s alcohol abuse. Alcohol itself is not usually the real problem. People most often drink alcohol because there are other things going on in their life that they want to forget about, that they want to escape. Keeping this in mind, addressing the issue is often the hardest part of trying to get someone to stop drinking. It’s likely he or she won’t want to talk about the issue, and it’s also likely this person is in denial that he or she even has an alcohol problem.

However, when you do get through, it’s important that you ask your loved one about his or her drinking routine. This is pertinent information that will give you inside into why exactly he or she drinks—what causes him or her to pick up a bottle and how long those sorts of incidents last (this is likely to be based on the extremity of the incident). In addition, it’s just as important that you are observant of your loved one’s actions surrounding alcohol when you go out together. If you think you or your loved one has an issue with alcohol, call our helpline today at 1-888-716-9806 and learn more about choosing the right rehab options for this particular addiction.

Once you have a better understanding of what your friend or family member is going through, you will have a better idea of why he or she reacts to alcohol the way he or she does, and you’ll also feel more confident about confiding in another mutual friend or relative about the situation at hand.

Getting someone to stop drinking alcohol takes more than a singular effort. Alcohol can seriously affect relationships between friends and family members, so it’s important to speak to others who are also close to your loved one to determine how they see the situation. Gaining alternative perspectives on what might be a serious issue is a good indicator of whether there is a problem. If these people show their support and bring up the topic of a potential alcohol problem with your loved one, there is more of a chance that he or she will realize that it’s time to seek help or addiction treatment.

Referring your loved one to an alcohol or drug rehab program is a hard but necessary step to take if you and your mutual friends have come together and determined there is indeed a problem. Talking to your friend or family member about his or her alcohol use can be very difficult, as established, so it’s important not to aggravate the problem or insist that he or she stop drinking altogether. The last thing you want to do is to be a nag.

Perhaps the best thing you can do in a difficult case is refer your friend or family member to a professional who can provide coaching or addiction therapy on alcohol abuse. A community health center is a great place to start, as it will provide you with many local resources you can use to get started. Remember, even in the most difficult of situations, the most important thing of all is that your loved one knows you are there for him or her and that you are only trying to help.

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What Are Your Thoughts on this Topic?

  • Joe

    Dammit

  • Dana

    I may have made the mistake of pushing my husband away because of his drinking. He was very mean to our 3 young children and i couldn’t let it go on. I made him leave and I have told him not to come home until he gets help. Was this the right decision? I need some feedback on what to do about this.

    • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

      Dana… Loving an addict/alcoholic is one of the most challenging things you can do. How long has your husband been drinking? Has he ever sought help before? Regardless, if your life is becoming unmanageable because of his drinking, you have every right to set boundaries. Remember that you and your children are the most important persons in your life. You deserve to live a happy, healthy life, both physically and emotionally. If your husband’s drinking is interfering with that, then you need to do what you have to to try and change things. No children should EVER have to endure any sort of abuse–including verbal abuse–from a parent. As someone who grew up with an alcoholic father, I know how damaging and long-lasting such abuse can be. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

      • Dana

        Dean…thank you for responding. He has been drinking for years .when my Kids were still in toddler age he didn’t drink alot, but it has become much worse over the past couple years. It’s very hard to deal with especially since kids are involved. His father was a drinker too and he swore he would never act like him but turned out just like him. He doesn’t believe he has a problem and does not intend on seeking help. This puts me in a bad situation.

        • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

          You’re very welcome, Dana. Like I said, my father was a drinker, too. When my son was in treatment for heroin addiction 7 years ago, my wife and I both quit drinking to set an example for him. It certainly changed my life for the better. I wish I had some advice to give you. I would like to recommend a book to you. It’s called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change, and it’s written specifically for partners and loved ones of addicts. It’s really a great book and I think it may help you quite a bit. I’m sending positive vibes and hugs your way.

          • Dana

            It’s good that you could stop to set that example for your son. I’m praying my husband can do the same for our kids. I appreciate the advice and kind words. I will definitely look for the book as well, thank you, every little bit helps.

      • greg

        That was the right decision. Get away from him. Get on with your life. Find a new man. I speak from experience. An alcoholic will never stop until they die.

  • London

    After my grand mother passed away I noticed my mothers drinking has become heavy. She always says she OK she’s fine. But she goes to sleep and wakes up drinking. 24 hours 7 days a week. I’m really worried. What can I do

    • Croix Oliver

      Well the good thing here is that u already know the root of your mother drinking (the passing of her mother). How long has it been since your grandmother’s passing? . (Sorry for your lost btw)

  • Ravi

    Hey Good day..!! I have a serious problem my dad who is now at 50 years of age is seriously addicted to drinking . the problem is he won’t drink for 6 to 8 months and later that he will drink so much for 3 months he won’t even care about anything . the same story since 25 years I’m now 25 years . Can u pls suggest any solution for this .

    • victor v

      Look at the positive side. When he quits for such a long time his liver gets a chance to heal. IMHO one of the main problems is the messing up of the GABA receptor system inside the brain. So people get depressed for a year or two. So a GABA supplement should be able to help stave off the ongoing depression. Another possibility would be say two bottles of beer a week, say 22 ounce craft beers, on Wednesday and Saturday. This presumably should also help keep the GABA system from going out of whack.

    • Rosan Kumar

      Did you get any answer from this site my friend?

  • kk

    My boyfrnd is consuming too much alcohol these days. I don’t know what to do to change him. His chatactor has also changed. Please help me.

    • Croix Oliver

      Its truly hard seeing this im sure. If u guys have family around or close mutual friends, see if they also noticed a change in your bf. If so, there is a problem. U do not want to scare or nag your bf. The approach has to be well planned n thought out carefully. Usually there is a underlying cause to the excessive drinking (family problems, playing the victim role etc). Also whenever u guys do sit n chat about the “problem” make sure your bf is sober. Good luck n hope all works out…

  • Tim James

    My brother is 52 years old and a heavy alcoholic, and has been for 20 years or longer. He will drink day and night for two weeks, get real sick, go through a horrendous hangover for 4 to 6 days throwing up, he’ll get back to normal, then he will start all over again. He went through 3 months of rehab, stayed sober for a month after rehab then picked up right where he left off. I talk to him nicely, I get into big yelling fights with him, I ignore him, I tell him his family loves him, nothing works to get him to stop. He is heavily addicted and on his own can not (or will not) stop himself. He may feel bad about himself but until he gets the alcohol out of his life nothing will change. He does not have a job because he doesn’t want to work and he can’t even make it to an interview because he can’t (or won’t) stay sober to make it to the interview. We live in the same house and I deal with this on a daily basis.

    You can not stop an alcoholic, if they can’t stop them selves why do you think you can. The first thing is they have to want to stop or want to be stopped. They have to agree to it when they are sober and then EVERY day do something that keeps them accountable for that day not to get drunk, there has to be a strong enough reason that they see so they will not get drunk. They have to have a true desire to stay sober and take action, do something about it so they stay away from alcohol. Praying for them will not work (ok, that is my opinion), hugs and kisses will not work (same thing), telling them you love them will not work (unless that is really all they need, but probably not). If they can afford to stop working and go into rehab long enough that might work, but they have to be in rehab long enough, 6 to 12 months or longer. Some people can stop over night, but not many. They have to have a true desire to stay away from alcohol and avoid it at all costs.

    An alcoholic needs alcohol to be taken out of their lives long enough (months, 6, 12 who knows who long) for their brain to get back to normal and for them to be able to admit it really messed them up. If they don’t see it they will go right back to it, or won’t stop in the first place.

    So for anyone that is hoping, praying and whatever else, it is time to wake up and accept that you are in for a long, hard road ahead, so get away from that person and live your life, take the kids away so they don’t have to deal with the alcoholics behavior. You can not make that person give up what they want. The alcoholic is the only one that can do it for them-self. If they don’t want to stop, guess what, they will not stop. Don’t have pity on them, there are things they can do every day to make their life better, without alcohol.

  • Rosan Kumar

    Hi, it’s my father who is addicted to alcohol.
    At first, we were riched but becoz of somewhat my father’s bussiness goes down and he became poor. Then as the time passes he drunk very much. After about two years, he thought that the reason why he became poor is my mother. He thought my mother is having affairs and giving his money to him. Then the social problems began to arise. And now the situation is too bad about him. I couldn’t understand how to treat him and make him as before. So please help me if you can. I am having hope for your direction from you. Please call me at +959793155856 if want to help me.
    I’m very thankful to you.

  • Nay

    Alcohol sucks.

  • anonymous

    My lodger is a massive alcoholic and diabetic. She drinks all the time I’m not kidding, she doesn’t even sober up for work or a special occasion like a day out to the nearest city. She constantly drinks bottles and bottles and bottles every day. My mum has tried speaking to her a billion times but as they say you can’t reason with a drunk person. It is a serious issue. She has extremely bad diarrhea just as our toilet bowl and she is seriously endangering herself. She can’t even get up to go to the loo without knocking into her cupboard and the other night she knocked into her table and knocked her lamp off, which by the way is made of ceramic, like plates. She could have cut herself! This is coming from a fourteen year old by the way. I am so paranoid that I’ll come home one day after school and she’ll be dead at the bottom of the stairs. And so are my parents. This has GOT to stop. She is a huge burden to us and she’s put our life on hold since she started lodging (2 years ago) and the last thing we want is someone dying in our house. What on earth are we supposed to do?
    My mum refuses to go out and force help upon her and we can just sit here and do nothing until she eventually moves out and does it even worse at her own home.

  • anonymous

    Hi my boyfriend of 4 years drinks.. Um at first it was so bad he used throw up, get bipolar you know he be angry yelling at me, then he get sad .. Sometimes he blames me for him drinking .. Well now we have 2 kids 14 month old an a 3 month old .. He did almost go a year with out drinking .. But he thinks beer is his back bone it will make evrything better go away .. Unfortunately his body cant handle beer he gets very verbally abusive calls me names, yells ect in front the kids … I do wanna leave but i know theres good in him but he always breaks.. Idk whst do we have no insurance or alot money to send him get help im at a loss he is will get help tho..

  • Croix Oliver

    Oh boy where do I start. My brother who is 40 has admitted drinking alcohol is keeping him alive. He is not the “abusive or violent”alcoholic, just a constant drinker of beer n vodka that starts at 9 in the morning. He has resentment in his heart towards me for one reason or another, so me asking him to stop drinking is out of the ?.however, there is 1 person who my brother respects greatly and will listen to. Im going to ask him to speak with my brother about his drinking, and hopefully this nightmare will be over.

  • Shorty4206

    I really need help my brother has been drinking for years his long time gf left and it’s just been getting worse he is now with my friend they have a baby together and 2 other kids from his last marriage he’s never there for his kids he fights with his girlfriend all the time and is never sober he’s now missing work all the time and beng drinking all day and night he very verbally abusive towards her in front of the kids she can’t leave because she don’t want to leave the kids behind and he won’t let her take the two oldest they never have food in the house and he spends all the money on alcohol I am afraid he’s going to loss his job and they are going to be homeless he’s never sober long enough for u to even have a conversation with him about it I know he won’t go to rehab also she can’t work and he’s the only one working right now so they won’t have a way to pay bills if he gos to rehab I feel bad and don’t know what to do I am the only one he will listen to but I have tryed to to talk to him and it don’t work I don’t know what to do anymore please help

    • Logan Johnson

      I’d suggest that you, and your whole family talk to him together, if you can actually find a moment where he’s actually sober. You should all tell your brother how he’s upsetting all of you guys, and how he’s hurting himself by over-drinking. I don’t know much to it other than that. I wish you best of luck, as my Father has a drinking problem.

  • pkabatek

    My sister in law has been drinking herself to death over the past year and there’s nothing any of her family can do to stop her. Nothing we say or do has helped. She’s been taken to the emergency room at least weekly to save her life – all they do is resuscitate her and release her for the cycle to start all over again. Her husband is working himself to death to pay off the mountain of debt that has accumulated. While he’s away, she finds any way possible to get liquor. Treatment centers won’t take her unless she goes of her own free will, which she won’t. We live in PA and the only way to get her involuntarily committed is to have a doctor produce a letter that she’s a danger to her self and have her closest relative take it to a judge, and get a judgement against her – but the doctors in the hospital refuse to do any such thing saying they’re not allowed to. She is so drunk that she is often passed out on the floor with cuts to her head where she fell. She only lives to drink. If anyone knows how to help, please let me know and I’ll share it with my family. Thanks!

  • Ashley

    I was in abusive relationship with this man now that we broke up. He still wants to have sex he found an older woman. He has and alcohol problem I told him when we was together he need to stop drinking his response was he wasn’t gone never stop. He already been in the hospital about this drinking and they told him that he needs to stop. Well he stopped for awhile after he left the hospital like a few month later he started back. All we did when he got drunk was fight and argue he told me one day only reason why he drink so much because he have a lot on his mind. I be so worried about him because he not going to stop he already told me I been putting up with him and his drinking for 5years.

  • EddieE

    I was in a 7 year relationship with my girlfriend. She started as a light/social drinker but soon developed into heavy and almost everyday. I had to “babysit” her because she would get out of control and emotional. She would go to the store but stop by the liquor store also. Sometimes she would have blackout episodes. I kept asking her to stop and even tell her she can’t drink on her way home. I gave a choice to stop drinking or leave. It got to the point where I told her she had to leave. She left but I can’t help to think she chose alcohol. I tried everything, her family also tried to get her to stop drinking. I really loved her but couldn’t deal with it anymore. Inside I feel like I quit on her even though I tried everything I could.

    • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

      EddieE… I’m sorry to hear about your girlfriend. Please don’t feel guilty or feel like you quit on her. Sometimes no matter what we do, the person with addiction can’t be helped. The bottom line is what Al-Anon teaches us: We didn’t cause it, we can’t control it, and we can’t cure it. If the person who is struggling doesn’t want to get better, we can’t change that…even though we desperately want to. Just remember that you are the most important person in your life. You deserve to live a happy, healthy life. As hard as it may be to realize it, you’re likely much better off without that person in your life.

      • EddieE

        I know you’re right about what you said but there is a lot of pain in the mean time. Time does heal a broken heart, the problem is that sometimes time doesn’t move fast enough.

      • EddieE

        I know you’re right but there is a lot pain. Time heals but the problem is that sometimes time doesn’t move fast enough.

  • Lindy Pearce

    My boyfriend (the father of my 1.5 year old son) admits he has depression and drinks to self medicate. He started drinking around the 10th time his ex cheated on him and he admits that his drinking started as a way to cope with the pain of her betrayal. But now he drinks 18-36 beers every single night. He refuses to admit that it’s a problem. He also refuses to do anything that might actually help with his depression (eating healthy, exercise, not drinking, seeing someone, etc) and instead chooses to self medicate with alcohol. He claims thathat his drinking now is only because his bones hurt from working so hard (he’s a plumber so I know he really does work hard) but won’t even consider taking an actual medication for the pain. I don’t know what to do at this point. For 2.5 years I’ve sat and watched him drink so much he ends up hugging the toilet nearly every night. The other day I decided I couldn’t do it anymore and told him I was going to my mom’s house and that when he decides our son and I are worth more than alcohol we will come back. But its been 2 days and I’m terrified that he’s just going to let us go because he doesn’t want to quit or even cut back on his drinking. I love him so much but I can’t watch him drink his life away.

    • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

      Lindy… I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re experiencing with your boyfriend. The problem with self-medicating with alcohol to help relieve depression is that alcohol is a depressant. So even though drinking may provide some immediate relief, ultimately it’s likely making your boyfriend’s depression much worse. There are definitely way better ways to cope with depression. Has your boyfriend ever seen a therapist or psychiatrist for his depression? If not, that would be a great thing for him to do. But if he’s not willing to take positive steps to help him with his problems, there’s not a whole lot you can do. You have to remember that you and your son are the most important people in your life. You shouldn’t have to put up with the things you’ve been putting up with. Period. In my mind, going to your mom’s house was a wise decision. Al-Anon teaches us that we didn’t cause our loved one’s addiction, we can’t control it, and we can’t cure it. It can be hard to come to that realization, but believe me…it’s the truth. (By the way, if you haven’t attended an Al-Anon meeting, I’d highly recommend that you consider doing so.) Try to practice self-care, Lindy. Take good care of you and your son, and let your boyfriend know the you will support him if he decides to seek help for his drinking and depression. You may also want to check out a book called “Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change.” It’s written specifically for partners/loved ones of those struggling with addiction. It’s an amazing book and I think it would help you a lot. I’m sending you peace, hugs, and positive vibes.

      • Christoph Droulias

        HI Dean, My name is Chris, I am 28—29 in a couple days, and I have an older brother who is 31, My My brother has been addicted to alcohol from the age of probably 19 and I’ve been struggling really bad lately just with everything that encompasses trying to help someone you love dearly. A couple days ago I broke down crying and had to have a friend actually come stay with me because of how sad I was feeling. I’m probably one of the only support systems he has but he refuses to get professional help. I feel like i’ve been trying everything, but the roller coaster ride his alcoholism takes me on recently got me to a breaking point I feel.

        I randomly came across this post from a google search and even though these words weren’t meant for me, I appreciate them. They made me feel better and I want to thank you for that. Also, thank you for the book recommendation.

        • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

          Christoph… My words may not have been specifically directed at you, but they are for everyone who has a loved one struggling with addiction. I’m glad you found some comfort in them. And I know the Beyond Addiction book will help you. I wish the book would have been around when my son was going through his heroin addiction.

          Sending you and your brother my most positive thoughts and prayers. And lots of hope.

    • Debbie Paskin

      Hi, could I chip in and recommend a very good book for men and particularly women struggling with relationship and addiction issues, it is called Women Who Love Too Much, by Robin Norwood an American author in the eighties, but it should still be about somewhere! I could relate to so much of it. And yes, I have to agree that alcohol IS very much a depressant, I should know. I used to drink, and always found alcohol made me worse. Thank God I managed to begin sobriety and remain so, one day at a time. As it says in the big book, once an alcoholic always an alcoholic, and this remains true no matter how long someone has managed to stay sober, whether months, or years. The sufferer only has to pick up one drink or maybe one sip!, then it’s back on the treadmill again. Hope things improve, don’t wait for him to change, make some decisions of your own, think of the effect on your son and yourself. Be strong.

  • Praval thakur

    My father is drinking from 1year before also he used to drink but he stopped for 4yrs now he is drunkng badly day n night.he is not thinking about family to he says i m having tension on my mind and whole day he drunk thn sleep he is not taking food too what should i do.

  • Want to help!

    My boyfriend is currently a really heavy drinker from when he wakes up until he goes to bed. He understands and knows he had a problem. I just recently moved in to help. He has a 4 year old son full time. We made a deal that it’s OK on weekends as he does work hard during the week. Is this ok of a deal for someone who has a problem or am I supporting his drinking? It’s a really touchy subject and I don’t want to be the nagging gf. On the weekends I feel he over does it though. Friday, Saturday and even all day Sunday. I am not sure what path to go or am I even helping him. We have separated twice because of this issue and I don’t want it to happen again as I love him and his son so much!

  • Just a girl

    Someone please help,
    I’ve been with the father of my 2 small children for 6 years. When we met we would drink almost every night together, than we had kids and i only drink every so often,and with him i wont.he got a job in elko where bars never closed,and i stayed home to raise our son. He would work 2-3 week hitches at a time. He would drink every night out of town than the whole time home. Fw a few years,we now have 2 kids.we had an and off again for 2 years. We were strong for the last 8 months,tjan he went on another drinking binge..its been over a month he drinks every night. I brought it up again,and how when he drink’s he spends less time with us. That endes up him being gone for 3 weeks and slept with another woman.. Again. Says its depression and alcohol caused. He swore he’d stop drinking. Its only been 3 days now tonight he is so drunk he cant walk. What do i do? His drinking is hurting our family and he doesnt see it. Im lost,depressed, scarred..

    • traynor10

      You want my honest opinion, having lived with a chronic alcoholic my whole life and from my experience i can honestly say you cant help him no one can. He has to want to get better himself. Leave him and look after your self and your kids, the heartache is to much to bear to watch someone you love throw their life away.

  • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

    Just a girl… I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Your husband’s drinking is definitely taking its toll on you an your family, and that’s not a good thing. Especially with young children involved. I would suggest that you try to convince your husband to see an addiction specialist. They can assess your husband’s situation and recommend the best next steps. But if your husband doesn’t want to seek professional help, then you have to make a decision. You and your children are the most important people in your life. That’s a no-brainer. If you continue with the status quo, it’s going to have long-term adverse effects on everyone. If your husband won’t get help, you have to do some serious thinking about what’s best for you and your kids. Have you ever gone to an Al-Anon meeting? If not, I would highly recommend it. Being around people who know exactly what you’re going through can be so incredibly helpful. I am sending you positive vibes and hugs of hope. Remember what Al-Anon teaches: You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. Only your husband can “fix” this.

  • Marly

    Hi all,
    My bf and I have been dating for 5 1/2 years. He’s always been a drinker since I met him but this past 1 1/2 yr he has been drinking every single night and smoking weed every single night. Him and I made a pact to stay sober all of this month and he has been so far, but he has expressed feelings of wanting to get really wasted once July 4th comes around. I’m scared that this sobriety he’s going through won’t last longer than this month. He knows and acknowledges that he has a problem but does little to fix it. These past 11 days are the longest he’s been sober in over 3years and I don’t know if things will ever change. Am I naive in staying with him, I’m 24 and he’s 29 we have no children and we aren’t even engaged yet.

    • Meepramey

      I am in the same boat as I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years we are not engaged and we do not have any kids. But he drinks every night. I’m tired of it and I’ve asked him many times to stop. And he always promises that one day he will. Stay strong as I am trying to do the same. And I know that giving an ultimatum is like the end of a relationship. But what else are you supposed to do whenever you are dealing with something so big. You feel helpless. And they just think that you are nagging them. I just can’t imagine having kids and the number one thing on the list at the grocery store is beer, not nourishing foods for the kids. It’s expensive. And I’m already broke as s***

      • tyshelia Lewis

        should have left already you like the show you have nothing keeping you there but AIR!!

    • http://clintjcl.tumblr.com/ ClintJCL

      Stop putting weed in the same category. It’s not. You putting it in the same category is a huge part of the problem. Let him smoke weed without drinking.

    • Starr

      Weed can be just as bad as alcohol, addiction wise. My boyfriend smokes weed sometimes and becomes completely different and not himself so I understand how you feel. He also is a major alcoholic and has health problems at 30 because of this and past drug use. I would say you need to separate yourself completely from him and give him a “stop drinking or you can’t have me.” Being with someone who is addicted means they will always love their addiction more than you. Now if I can find the strength to do this!

  • teresa

    my partner has been a dre herinker for a long time ive been living with her for 21 years she has got us into so much debt that I have managed to pay off she is so violent through drink I should have left long ago but I love her I had a bad stroke last October carers have had to look after me it as now been decided for my own good I cant manage myself that I need 24 hour care but because of partner its time to seperste because of the stress she gives me she wont stop drinking its time for self preservation no matter how much it hurts

    • Valerie

      I am so sorry for you. I am afraid I am heading down the same road. My gf has slowly increased her drinking. I am afraid if anything ever happened to me she still wouldn’t be there for me, even though I have been there for her countless times in the past 5 years. I hope you can find someone who deserves your love. I know I’ve seperated my gf from “my drunk gf” as if there are almost 2 people. I hope soon there will be only 1 person. I’ll hope the same or better for you as well.

  • Marge

    My husband was sober for 20 years and now at the age of 60 he is drinking again. I cannot stand it. I am afraid he is going to hurt himself or someone else!! Please help me!!

  • Rita

    My brother die april this year due drinking ever day he had attack and die in hospital he was only 44 he refused help i miss so much

  • Rebecca

    When I met my husband he was a drinker and I accepted it at first. It was about a year later that his drinking had gotten out of hand. To put it short, he received dwis and his temper was so bad that i ended up leaving after the police had to be involved. We did end up back together shortly after, and he gave up drinking. He went 10 years without drinking and then started drinking on a few occasions. But it was still good and I didn’t care as long as he did it in moderation occasionally. It didn’t seems to be any cause for concern. But in the past 2 months I have seen him gradually increase, and now he is once again drinking regularly. When I say regularly I mean he is having 3 to 9 a night that I am seeing and he is again driving under the influence. I am scared the past is repeating itself and I sooooo don’t want to go back to the way it was before. I love him and want to be with him, but I can’t do it all again either. I tried to talk to him and he blew up. I got the lines “I am an adult and can do what I want”, “you just want to control me”, “I can stop when I want to, I just don’t want to” I told him I cared about him and didn’t want to do this again, I even tried to comprise with him, I finally camre down to the fact that I would not stay if he was going to drink like that again. His response made me feel completely worthless and like I didn’t matter when he said “I am going to drink because I like it, and if you want to leave then leave I could care less at the moment if you stay or not. I am tired of everyone telling me what I should do.” where is the sweet man I have know over the years…. I am lost and hurt

    • Debbie

      Hi there, I am new to this site and live in the UK. Firstly, the sweet man you know etc is still there BUT from the sounds of things you must now put yourself first! I drank for a long time, now been sober for over 20 years. I do not brag, but if someone really wants to stop drinking they can. He sounds immature and selfish, traits that are common in alcoholics, plus selfishness. Maybe he hasn’t suffered enough, but you seem to have! Do you have an Al Anon group you can join? They are for friends and families of drinkers and will support and help you live your own life, whether you decide to stay with him or to leave him. It is YOUR life now. Does he know about AA? They certainly helped me, but only when I finally decided that I had had enough of the crappy booze. Build up your own self esteem and don’t wait for him to change, he may never do so, I’m sorry to tell you. As long as he knows he can ‘get away with it’ he will do so. I am female and put my dear late mom through hell whilst drinking, fortunately I became sober in time to make amends to her before she died. Don’t let his moods dictate your life or his actions, he is NOT stupid. Alcohol is the great remover. By that I mean it can take many things away from the drinker, including finally his or her life. But that is for him to find out. You are currently dealing with a spoilt child, please take my advice. He has to stop drinking for himself and nothing else. It CAN be done! Don’t give up, find Al Anon and some more advice from them, or have you discussed this with your or his doctor? All the best, from Debbie xx God WILL help if we seek HIM, however we perceive HIM to be.

    • Debbie Paskin

      You must now put yourself first! I drank and became horrible, aggressive and hateful to so many people. Then I found AA and after a few attempts, and even attending whilst under the influence, I managed to stay sober and it is now 20 years. Can you try and find Al Anon? They are very supportive for drinkers’ families, your husband may never change, at the present he is behaving like a spoilt immature child. Drinkers are v selfish and manipulative, I should know! But take control of your life now, and it may mean leaving him, that will be a frightening and painful thought for you. But just think, what are you getting out of this relationship? A lot of pain it seems. You CAN start again. Time will show u have made the right decision. Have you talked to his or your doctor? I urge you not to waste much more of your time with this man unless he realises just what he might lose! And he HAS to want to stop drinking for himself. Good luck! Xxx time sorts out many things, you may, in the future meet someone who does deserve you. Don’t flog a dead horse, as we say here in the UK. I am female, by the way. We women owe it to ourselves to have a stress free and contented life, not constant battles which wear us down. I have also had a relationship with a drinker, once I got sober, and it was useless. He would ‘disappear’ then return full of alcohol. I had to end that, or I may have started drinking again myself.
      Take care ?

      • betty

        hi my partner was a big drinker but then nearly died so stoped for 3 months then a mate was saying all the time that a couple wont hurt then she was back on it and starting 2 get bad she as tryed like a councilor but he just told her she didnt realy have a problem as she only drank after 11am so she dont think she got one what could i do as im worryed something will happen.

        • Debbie Paskin

          Hi Betty, that seems to be an odd thing to say, from a cousellor, it doesn’t matter what time of day one drinks, it is the effects of it that count! If your partner IS an alcoholic then having one or a couple will soon put her or him back on the slippery slope so take no notice of what so called friends tell you. You must try and find an Al Anon meeting and look after yourself. Let your partner hopefully try and go to an actual AA meeting if they haven’t already, and then he/she should soon know whether they have a real problem or not. I know you will worry, try not to and take care of yourself now! Good luck

  • millie

    i been with my husband for 23 years when we met he was already drinking once in a blue we have 5 beautiful children n 7 grand babies i love my husband so much but as the years went by he kept drinking more to the point he drinks every day and all day he goes to sleep drunk and wakes up drunk not a day that goes by that he do not drink i try to talk to him to go and get help and i told him i will go with him and nothing he even say that he got a problem but wont get help i am so tired i lost hope i am so scared that one day he wont wake up and its so sad to see someone you love so much doing so much damage to themselves and the family

    • MDP

      I don’t have as many years with my husband but do have a similar situation. It got worse after a surgery this past year, when I was called by ICU and told of the problem, confirming there actually was one. In the past, I wasn’t sure, but suspected. Over the year, it progressed. Each plea to address it was met with scoffs, counter demands or flat out laughing at me and ignoring me. So after a recent plea and the same response, I left and stayed at a friend’s house for what I planned was a week. He still responded the same way. In fact, he treated it as a little drama fit and continued on as usual. It became apparent that if I was in the same house, let alone the same state, he would do NOTHING. Complicating our issue is his family literally stacked around us in our neighborhood who also ignore the problem or in passing, blame me and essentially tell me to handle it. I knew nothing was going to change as he had his addiction locked down and his family and me under control so to speak. It’s only been since the 5th or so since I left the house initially, and the 12th when I left officially, but I am now 1300 miles away near my family until I can figure out what to do. I will tell you that it is panic inducing and paralyzing. I am staying with a family member temporarily but set to do otherwise if needed. He is now making lofty promises that I hope he will keep and has his first meeting next week, but it is the ONLY thing that I could do to make him wake up. He says he is awake. Unfortunately, I had to spend the last year crying, scared, sometimes ignoring the problem and just pretending it didn’t exist. But with a health issue that complicates this, I am no longer willing to stay awake at night to check his breathing constantly. Luckily we have been in contact on a constant basis and we are talking through many of the issues that alcohol put up a wall to, but it took me walking away to get him to speak up. Do what you need to do, but also consider removing yourself from the situation if only temporarily to get a grasp on your sanity. When they have an addiction, we live with it. We map our lives around it. We make excuses (even if it’s subconsciously) for it and we lose ourselves. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I am only a few weeks into it. We may have a shot at being together again, I really hope so. I have known him since I was 16, and been married to him for also 19 years. Know that your investment into the marriage and your relationship is important, but that you are not required to forfeit the amount you have put into it by way of your well being, happiness or sanity. I won’t lie and say I don’t feel like jumping in my car and going right back. This is also why I chose to be so far away, to keep him to his promises, and for me to stay true to the boundaries I gave him. If I don’t stick to my boundaries, why would he change? Another good friend is what sprang me into action. She was well into the process and told me of all the constant repeating of recovery she went through. She was ready to walk when he did wake up and he went to rehab. She gave me the confidence and knowledge of dealing with an alcoholic. Remember, their disease and addiction is their first love at the moment, they are not thinking with the mind of a healthy person. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, you can’t cure it. I am thinking of you. Know you are not alone.

  • Stella

    My dad drinks every night. He rages at my mum, me and my little sister. He spends more money on alcohol than on anyone in our family and more than we as a family earn in a year. Can someone please give me some advice

  • tyshelia Lewis

    Hi u are dealing with the same as myself I will pray for you

  • Lisa

    This has helped me (found it 3 days ago).

    link to ceu-hours.com

    Be nice to yourself. Youre stronger than you think you are.

  • Melanie

    Hey my husband also has an addiction to alcohol. He drank all through my pregnancy and even when i was in the hospital having complications witj my pregnancy. It was my birthday friday and he drank all of my birthday money from my family. This has got to stop someone help me! We don’t have insurance and i can’t make him stop on my own im a stay at home mom and i breast feed

    • Fer Nanda

      Hi Melanie my husband is also an alcoholic and also a drug addict, he spent all of our money too, and he just got out of jail 3 months ago due to dwi felony. He is so scared about starting probation and is about to give up, yesterday he said he is tired and he doesn’t think he can stay sober. That is a love/hate relationship. I feel so bad for him he needs to find hope and I beat myself up because I don’t know what to do anymore or say. I’m afraid of losing him. Although I can’t live with someone like that anymore. Sometimes I get scared because he can get angry too iver something and throw ir at me cuz he isn’t thinking or because I said something wrong. Is so though, I’m in pieces.

  • Untitled

    My mom is a heavy drinker, she barely eats and she drinks daily. I’m scared for her, she has gotten a dwi before (some years back) and had stopped drinking! Last year about this time, a family member had died, so she started up again! She had went a while without drinking, and now it has just turned for the worse! Deep down inside its some personal issues that she’s dealing with! I would love to talk to her, but she’s always drinking, so when do I find the time to! I don’t know maybe she feels like no one loves her. I don’t come around that much because, I don’t want to be around it! She doesn’t have anything to keep her busy, so I imagine one can just sit around and think of your faults, issues, what you haven’t accomplished in life! Thats enough to drive anyone crazy, she really needs help. I’m afraid that if I try to talk to her, that she would reject it! I can I do if someone rejects help!

    • taub

      I would recommend treating this as an emergency and trying to discuss it with her as soon as possible. If she’s gotten to the point where she barely eats, she’s in extreme danger of serious health problems that can affect her long before the liver gets tired, and the way you describe her, this could be an end-stage scenario due to how alcohol impairs absorption of nutrients and your mom’s low food intake. I know, because I just lost someone who was only 36 years old and hadn’t been drinking that long. He caught pneumonia and died month later, partly due to vitamin deficiencies and possible alcoholic lung disease. He was fine one day, and then needed to be hospitalised the next, and his immune system couldn’t fight it even with antibiotics. We all tried to help him, but it was rejected, and by the time he agreed to go to detox, it was too late – but that shouldn’t stop you from trying… just keep trying, maybe go to meetings on your own to try to understand the cause of the problem. Like your mom, he had stopped drinking for some time, but started again and a period of heavy drinking for some months was enough to cause a fatal health crisis. I wish I had realised how critical it had become. I assumed it took years and years for someone to get to a dangerous state with alcohol, but it depends on the person. Best of luck.

  • ash

    what if they are in treatment and it triggers them to drink how are they supposed to get help if they are in denial and dont think they need help

  • Mitch

    I have just found out that a friend is an alcoholic. After I found out, he came to see me. He was drunk and started to pull cans out of his carry bag and drink in my home. I spoke to him about his alcoholism but insisted that when he sees me again [1] he is sober and [2] he does not drink in my home because I do not wish be complicit in his problem and do not wish to watch him destroying himself. I gave him my telephone number and I said that I would help him if I could. Did I do the right thing?

    • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

      Absolutely. Setting boundaries is perfectly acceptable. I hope your friend will get help.

    • ~~THE DUDESKI~~

      Maybe maybe NOT???? U will find out!

  • ssches

    I will ask you this do you want your children to see their father in prison for a crime the drinking caused most judges will recommend some kind of counseling or order it for an alcholic maybe calling the police will get him started on the road to recovering maybe he needs that kick in the buttrucking and it sounds like he is getting more violent as he drinks more and more it is worse on your children to see him drunk every night you are teaching your children it is OK for daddy to get drunk and abusive is this what you want your kids to see and be afraid of their father or do you want them to learn that drinking and abuse are wrong I really feel sorry for your children having to see and hear this every night that has got to be so scarey for them allowing this to go on is mental abuse to you poor children get them out of that situation for their sake you are the mother you are allowing the abuse to go on because you don’t want them seeing their father in handcuffs but it is OK for them to see their father drunk and hollering and throwing things and abusing you and them, Lady reality check get your children out of that that is worse abuse to them someone should call CPS on you for allowing them to see and be around the drunken abuse

  • Stony

    I’ve been distancing myself form a an old friend for 10 years as I’ve seen him self-destruct with alcohol. I’ve only seen him once in 10 years, but he has frequently called, going on and on (he’s bored now, and mostly a couch potato).

    This really came to a head when he blew up at my on the phone, because he insisted that he would find me a girlfriend, even when I had told him repeatedly that I had no interest in women right now (I’m concluding a divorce). A few days later, he left a derogatory message on my home answering machine about a woman who works for me. I work from home, and fortunately erased it before she heard it, although my son heard it, and went to school with her grandchildren.

    I had to warn this woman not to say anything to him about work or her life with him, because it would likely get back to me.

    He kept calling every few days, and I finally took his call, and told him that I was really upset with him because of his tantrum the last time he spoke to me. He said that he had no memory of what he said, saying that he has been using alcohol for pain management purposes (not exactly what his doctor prescribed for his back pain). At the time, I said that you were in blackout, and you know that the means (I meant that his drinking had to end, but I don’t think he got that message, because he kept calling me and asking me about how the woman was doing at work). I finally told him not to ask me about her performance any more. He stopped calling.

    Now, he’s called me again. I feel guilty dumping a friend, but by the same token, don’t want to confront him about his drinking problem, which is the reason he’s bored, financially a mess. He does have a wife who is sharp and certainly knows he has an alcohol problem.

    My thoughts were to tell him that I won’t talk to him again until he gets treatment, but my best guess is that with himself already in denial, it won’t do any good.

    I know that I’m not the only one who has stopped taking his long calls.

    Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

  • ask me

    as if dealing with a troubled person with dependacy issues isn’t difficult enough, compound it the fact that since working at a convience store, i am actually becoming an enabler and i need help on how to be a positive, stable caring friend for a customer who has come in frequently to my store for months and just recently offered me the opportunity to become better aquatinted. now i had noticed the purchase of 2 tall boys and an empty cup several times, this being the routine, learned this was in preparation for her commute to work, so not surprised to find out there was more an issue and now concerned on my “rights” as to move forward as a friend or possibly more and address the excessive drinking. the underlying problem is clear, custody issues with a very entitled baby daddy, and the depression that has set in from a mother being restricted from her child, i get it, it hurts, bad, something i do have a familiarity with, but having maybe less that two, three days of actual non work related contact, how to get across to her that the drinking is a real detriment to her life? and how much of it is really acceptable for me to say to her? she has already placed me in an awkward place of either upsetting he to the point of lising her as a friend, or allowing her to drive home inebriated, which i did. i beat myself up repeatedly until finally learning she had made it safely home, but have not been able to express my unhappiness for being put in that position, had anything happened, i would have been just as guilty as her for allowing her the 10 mile drive home, and that is unacceptable. i have thought it through and feel, as a casual friend, that asking her to make HERSELF a promise to not drive when she has too much to drink, might that be within the boundaries of a fledgling relationship? offer her the option of calling me, anytime, for a ride to wherever she needs to go, just to please stay out of the drivers seat when she’s been drinking. i plan to initiate dialogue by reminding her that dead or in jail, she will not be able to see her son at all, and that will hopefully get her to see the logic in not driving? i have no intention of saying to her she needs to quit drinking, make it seem as if there’s an ultimatum, me or the drinking, nothing of that nature at all. i would be very interested in furthering our relationship, but at this moment just trying to be the best type of friend she could use, one that will lend an ear, not judge, and if need, drive 100’s of miles to keep her off the road while mid blackout, and to inform her that by putting me in the position of having to choose, lose her friendship by not allowing her to drive or lose her to being arrested or hospitalized, i will not allow her to drive like that again. if anyone is genuinely interested in offering opinions or advice, please do, my family thinks i’m crazy for caring, most of my friends as well, but to my own detriment mostly, my heart is too big not to care, it could be her or any other unfortunate person that clearly needs help, but has none, and i would feel the same, we are all here together, my goal is to make sure anyone who happens by my part of this screwed up world gets the benefit of all the assistance to keep living and living as happy as possible. anyhoo, if this has done anything at all, it was to allow me a place to vent, so thanks and happy holidays!

    • ~~THE DUDESKI~~

      You r playing games with this person and yourself. ! Be strong speak your mind!!

  • Elaine Boucher

    My partner is a alcoholic but won’t admit he is-He drinks beers every night then has a feed and falls asleep this is his routine every night -He can’t take me out anywhere because he’s been drinking -he is not violent when he drinks beers but when he goes on the whisky then he changes he becomes very verbally abusive and on one occasion grabbed me by the shoulder and put his fist up at me made me very frightened-when he is sober he is the most caring man -We rent a home together with my 15 yr old daughter she hates him because of his drinking and the way he acts towards her -I’ve asked him to leave a few times but he won’t go don’t know what to do

    • ~~THE DUDESKI~~

      Leave the bastard if @all possible?

    • Nathan

      I can relate to your story very closly. My wife is an alcoholic who also smokes and abuses prescription medicine. I can’t remember the last time she went to bed sober. I work all day and she stays at home with our 7 month old baby. I leave early in the morning when she is basically in a coma from her addiction. I fear her addiction will lead to harm coming to our baby. I have attempted to confront her about her addictions and she always responds with intense rage. When she is sober i am happy with her. But once she begins drinking she changes into someone I don’t recognize. I love her and just want to see her healthy. I just don’t know what to do… have you been successful in trying to talk your husband out of drinking?

      • Bad_juju

        You need to leave and take your baby. Please, don’t leave yiur child with someone you know to abuse drugs and alcohol, even if it is your wife. You are putting your child in serious danger. What if she passes out and there’s a fire some other disaster? Who will help your baby? I’m sorry to say but this is child abuse. It dorsnt have to be physical to be abusuve and having your kid grow up watching those behaviors is just that and detrimental to them growing up a stable healthy individual. Stop making excuses for your wife, and think of your child’s wellbeing first! I’m sorry if this is hard to hear but as a parent, you shouldn’t have to be told this. If you want to stay in that unhealthy relationship where she’ll only get worst with your enabling, you’re an adult and can make that choice but don’t make that choice for your kid. Don’t chose yourself or your wife over your child. Please get help.

  • Tripti

    My dad drinks too much and create a bad environment in home,we are very stressed.please suggest something before he will kill us.

    • abhansh

      i have the same problem
      mind if u can mail me at abhanshgiri21@gmail.com
      maybe we can together work out a solution

      • Anonymous

        Have any of you tried Al-Anon? It really has saved me. It’s a program for those of us who love or have lives affected by an alcoholic(s).

    • Helen Yelen

      GET OUT!! call family or friends, call the police the minute he gets violent!!

  • Mariah

    I found a man on Facebook …we started a friendship there ….after some days he disclosed a secret that he is a drunk man ….he loves to drink alcohol ….we only talk on messages ….i tried many times to rehabilitate him bt he always refuses …..he don’t want to quit alcohol and smoking … I can’t see him like this …he is a master’s level student and his friend company is bad ….what should i say to him as I’ve said much things about the drastic effects of using alcohol …?? Help me plz …i want to save his life for humanity purpose ….?

  • angelina

    my mom drinks too much,, and my dad always beat her,, all we(me n my 2 sisters) can do is nth. We always have to face lots of ignore-able situation bcoz of my mom. ppl tease us, take advantage of, hate us, and many more, we have to face lots of difficulties. We have tried lots to help my mom, we talked, shouts and even fight but no matter what mom never stop drinking which make my dad hate her n beat her.. :'(

    • tj

      You honestly don’t know how bad I feel about your situation. I will pray for you. I myself am a alcoholic. And although I’ve never beat the mother of my children physically I have emotionally. I am cursed I feel. But I don’t want it anymore. I want life. I want my kids and their mother to have the best me I can give. And your story of pain and sadness has made me realize just how much pain alcoholism causes and I am truly sorry to you,my family and anybody else who suffers because of us alcoholics. Please pray for us we are truly sick.

    • Terry Mckeny

      Hey listen. You don’t know how moved I am by your story and I am truly sorry. I myself am a alcoholic and although I have never beat the mother of my kids physically I have emotionally. I was very selfish and very immature in my addiction. I used to justify my drinking by saying I’m not hurting no body just my body. Selfish as hell right? Today I am only 2 days clean. But I’m here and I found your story and it makes me realize even more just how much damage I’ve done and how alcohol can destroy families. All I want now is for myself my kids and their mother to live a happy beautiful life. And for me to be the best dad and man I can be. I will pray for you please pray for me and I hope your mother overcomes the battle before she looses you guys. Because if you guys leave her she will only drink more. Also not one to impede on family matters but if your dad cintinues beating her she will continue to drink. How else is she going to numb the pain? She may not show it of even speak it. But trust me she’s dying inside. Physical abuse is not the answer. Pain begets more pain. Every time she gets beats she’s going to run to the bottle. To numb the pain. God bless Angelina to you and your family. Email me anytime to talk tjmckeny@yahoo. I could use your words to help me stay focused. Like I said your story touched me deep and I feel your pain. Peace keep your head up. Let your mom know you ain’t never giving up on her. Goodnight.

      • Bad_juju

        I agree with some of what you say Terry but I STRONGLY disagree you saying that her mom will get worst if she and her sisters leave. ANGELINA, your mothers drinking is NOT you or your sisters fault. She is the one choosing to drink and it is never because of you or your sisters. I’m so sorry you have to live with this. Your mom is sick and so is your dad, its not your fault and has nothing to do with you. You need to get yourself and your sisters somewhere safe. Do you have a family member close by that you can reach out to? If not, maybe a teacher or counsellor because you can’t and shouldn’t have to deal with this on your own. Watching your father abuse your mother and then seeing her drink is making an terrible impression on you all and unfortunately many children who grow up in abuse and addiction often continue the cycle as adults and either continue to be the victim of it or become the abuser themselves. I am not saying that is what will happen to you but it is a possibility. You don’t deserve that kind of life now or in the future. You must find an adult that you can trust thst you feel safe talking to and asking for help. Your parents need sick and if they won’t help themselves you and your sisters have to leave.

        If your parents don’t care enough about themselves to get help, you need to go stay with another family member or friend. Her drinking and your fathers abuse IS NOT you or your sisters fault. Please please remember that. No matter what anyone says, you are not to blame. Your parents are adults and blaming their children for their addiction and their problems is a just a way for them to pass the blame and not take responsibility for their actions and behavior.

        Your parents love you but because of their illnesses they can’t think about anyone other then themselves. They don’t want to admit they’re really sick or doing anything wrong. They probably don’t know how to get help but It is NOT your job to fix your parents. Your job is to do well in school, be the sweet and caring young lady that you are, and to be there for your sisters. If your parents can’t see what they’re doing to their family and the pain they’re causing then you and your sisters need to go stay somewhere else until they get better. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you all but you do not have to deal with it in your own. Please don’t stay in that dangerous environment. Find an adult you can talk to and ask for help but whatever you do, don’t blame yourself for anything that’s happening or might happen in the future. This is all on your folks, they are the ones causing problems and it’s their blame and theirs alone! Please don’t forget that. I hope they do get better but mostly I hope you and your sisters find a safe and healthy environment to live in.

        If you want to talk to anyone, I was bullied in school a lot too so I can relate on that level and would listen because sometimes that’s all we really want, is for someone to just listen. I’ll send you my email and phone number if you like but that’s totally up to you. My thoughts and hopes go out to you and your family. Please stay safe and don’t let you or any of your sisters take the blame for this. You all have done nothing wrong okay, nothing. It’s your parents fault but unfortunately you and your sisters got caught in the middle and i truly hope you can find a way out and your parents get the help they need. You’re a sweet young lady, don’t let anyone take that away from you and please take care.

      • Helen Yelen

        Terry,
        We KNOW you meant well, but MAYBE Angelina and her sisters need a little break from the stresses in the home until mom and dad can work through some things? BUT, you are correct Terry!! Mom needs them very much, and needs their support!! Maybe from afar right now, but she still needs their love and support! You’re a good man Terry, and it’s very admirable of you to reach out to Angelina and share your story with her. That probably wasn’t easy. How kind of you to reach out to her and offer future support ;) I wish you both the very best. Angelina, Bad_juju is right! contact a counselor or a close family member for help. No child/children should be put in the position that you and your sisters are in right now! It’s terribly unfair! Get some help for Mom, dad AND especially your sisters. You can do it girl ;)

  • yer vang

    What does one do when you’ve been married to a man for 16 years, had four children, and still love him dearly but the alcohol addiction is ruining your marriage? Don’t want to go into too much detail but he’s been a heavy drinker since the age of 22. He would binge drinking every weekend and used to drink every other day to himself because of stress from work and purely just from boredom. I finally broke down 2 weeks ago letting him know how lonely it’s been and how it’s destroying our marriage and he’s been trying really hard but he mentioned to me that he will be taking a fishing trip with the boys. I know he will relapse but how would one respond to his fishing trip? I don’t want him to think I’m controlling. Any suggestions would help me tremendously.

    • ThaKing

      Make sure he understands that he makes his own decisions, and his actions are completely up to him

  • Anonymous

    My friend is clinically depressed for a super long time. We’re only 13 and he drank some cooking wine. He’s done it like once but I’m really worried he’s gonna try again. I know he can get suicidal so I don’t want to push him to meet with a counselor (YET). How do I gently take him away from alcohol. My best friend/his girlfriend and I are very worried.

    • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

      Anonymous… It’s wonderful that you’re concerned about your friend. I would start by having a talk with him. Tell him you care about him and his well-being, and that you don’t think he should be drinking alcohol. Don’t get mad at him or anything. Just be kind and honest and let him know you’re concerned. If he drinks alcohol again, you may have to consider letting his parents know, even if it’s anonymously. Alcohol and depression are not a good combination, especially for someone who can be suicidal.

      You have a good heart. I hope something I said helps. I will keep good thoughts for your friend.

  • eliz

    my boyfriend owns a bar for the last five years he has drank himself till he pukes then starts drinking again he lost the business, now he goes on a job out of state but comes home after being gone 8 weeks maybe 3 to 4 weeks and drinks rumple Mintz til he is wasted every day but says he has not a drinking problem. Every time I try to talk about he gets upsets yells n say I exaggerated the problem. What do I do?

    • Bad_juju

      Walk away. You can’t make an addict stop. They have to want to do it on their own, otherwise they’ll likely relapse. I’m sure you love him but you have to love yourself more. There’s no point for the both of you to be miserable, and he is even though he won’t admit it, and leaving him might show him what his drinking is doing to his relationships. Because if you stay, the possible outcomes are not good. Not only is it a matter of time before his health begins to fail (and they dont give alcoholics liver transplants) it will start affecting your health as well. You’re already in emotional pain but the stress is not good for you and honestly, he could come to harm you one day. People are not the same when they blackout and someone I cared for put a knife to my throat after drinking too much and had no recollection of doing so the next day. That coupled with the fact that I’d leave if he didn’t get treatment got him to see how bad it had become and got he got help. Maybe that’s all your boyfriend needs. Right now you’re enabling him and you need to just walk away if he refuses treatment. If he does say he’ll go just to keep you there, walk away because if their heart is not in it, it won’t last and will only make things worst between the two of you and mostly likely one or both of you resenting the other for the situation.

      It’s a very difficult loving an addict, I understand what you’re going through and feel your pain and in no way am I trying to make you feel bad but the fact is you’re addicted to getting him better at this point. I know you want to help but by staying with him you’re only helping him get worst and he’ll take you down with him. You have to be willing to help yourself if you can’t help him. Because at the end of the day, if he keeps drinking as much as you say, he’s going to die from this and you shouldn’t be the one that cleans up the mess he leaves behind.

      I strongly encourage m you find a support group because it will help emensly. Having people there to talk to who can relate and support you getting better for yourself will be life changing. We often make excuses for the addict and/or hide what’s going on to our families and friends. Finding the right support group, and you might need to try a couple different ones, will help you to heal and having people you can talk to fay or night is so important, don’t let your prude or embarrassment stand in your way of going to a group getting better. There’s nothing you should be ashamed or embarrassed about. The right group will become a second family and they’ll never judge you because they’ve all been through the same thing. They’ll be more help then you know because you to reprogram yourself in a way so that you don’t make the same mistake. I know is woman who goes from abusive relationship to the next and the sad thing is she feels like she’s done something to deserve the abuse. Sometimes we need others input in order to see our issues. Don’t punish yourself by going through this alone, you’ll be so grateful for the support.

      I really hope he can see what his disease is doing to the people that love him and wants tonget sober for them but more importantly for himself. If he does, you’re gonna need a lot of patients. He’ll probably always want to drink and think about it every day. The trick is finding healthy alternatives to keep busy with. It’s a long and difficult road but worth going down with a person that not only loves you but loves themselves as well. I tell people all the time, you can love someone but that doesn’t mean you should be with them, sometimes love is not enough. I wish you well and hope that it can be for you, even if it means letting go of him. Please take care of yourself because don’t forget, there are people who love you and hate seeing you hurting and want to help. You don’t have to do this alone, you’ve done that enough as it is. Let someone help you carry this load or else it’ll end up crushing you.

    • Helen Yelen

      They all defend their girlfriend, “alcohol,” isn’t that strange? If one pukes, then starts drinking AGAIN? I would say he’s drinking to access……How old is this man? Sounds like it’s time for him to grow up. I wish you the best Eliz.

  • Lura Weber

    I still like too consider myself a newlywed but my husband going on two years of marriage drinks every day heavily and goes in and out of bars without me knowing while I’m gone at work just three days ago I found him at a bar with another woman drinking with him right now I’m sleeping on the couch because I am so angry with him just don’t know what to do should I try to fix the problem or just leave his kids don’t talk to him that much he has kids without me from different relationship and they only call him when they want money my kids here recently I have three from my first marriage and they’re my kids and here recently they don’t want him around they want their real dad to come back what should I do

    • Sherron Gladney

      Only your husband can fix this problem. It is your choice whether to leave a cheating alcoholic husband or not. What will make you happy? Do what makes you feel good. I’m in a relationship with someone who drinks too. He lies saying he will stop but doesn’t. It’s like I’m living the same cycle over and over in hell. Only he will stop when he is ready. The best thing I can say is help yourself don’t let anyone bring you down life is to short live in the moment and be happy. Everyone has their own life and choices to make and you can’t make him stop drinking. But you can make your own choices do you want to deal with a cheating alcoholic husband or not?

      • Lura Weber

        Thank you ? and yes you are so right guess I just need too hear it from another person too help me see the problem don’t want too think I’m the one who is the bad guy with I’d like too think not again thanks for your advice will be using it for the best for me and my children.

  • Buffy

    Someone close to me is battling against relapsing( alcohol) as hes walked away from a relationship where he has a 4 yr old and desperately misses the child…how can I help him???

  • Sum41

    My boyfriend is I guess sort of an alcoholic. He drinks every night and gets drunk on the weekends. It hard for him to stop drinking for more than two days and sober or drinking he can be verbally abusive. We made Goal for the month of April on things we wanted to work on and I’ve let him know a few times that the drinking everyday bothers me, since I’ve had a very traumatic life and my little sister just overdosed 7 months ago. In our goals he said he’d only drink fridays and Saturday and when “his anxiety kicks in”. He associate alcohol as a cure for his anxiety. So Monday we went to dollar burgers at a local bar and I ordered water and I guess since “the guys” were around he felt he needed to have a beer. Or two. Specifically Guinness too. Then on our way home I said very calmly that I was disappointed and we agreed we’d hold each other accountable for our goals. He then blew up screaming and driving like an ass and called me a “stupid bitch that doesn’t know anything”. He then proceeded to tell our roommate just how stupid and bitchy and ridiculous I was for nagging at him for having a beer. I didn’t nag though, I calmly and politely said what was bothering me and I told him before I’d hold him accountable, just like he holds me accountable. Now today I get rushed by an ambulance due to an asthma attack from a heater blowing up and smoking up my office. He comes to the hospital and tried to rush me out because he has a test to study for. He then blames his irritation on not drinking alcohol for two days and when he’s told to move his car he screams at a security officer and almost gets himself in trouble, which I talked him out of. He twists things and says I’m out to get him, but numerous times I’ve said that I just want to help and I’m worried about his health because he gets nauseous and sick easily and has a not so big appetite. We live together and we’ve been together for a year and a half. I’m 21 and he’s 24. I know we’re in our early 20s, but I’ve expressed I really don’t feel uncomfortable around alcohol everyday, even just a beer. I don’t know if I’m being too picky or a bitch but I have no idea what to do other than lock myself in the room until he screams and vents his frustration and insults at me. Then he turns into this caring loving boyfriend that’s more than I can ask for. But these flip out moments happen at least 3-4 or more times a week. What should I do… anyone?

    • Stan Smith

      Also the flip out moments happening cause he’s not drinking it’s withdrawal related it’s horrid being sober if you don’t want to be and not used to it it’s not comfortable and his moods will be all over the place.
      People forget this it’s not as simple as just stopping few days and he’ll be fine those days he’s stopping are probably utterly shit days to him in his mind and actually probably makes him want and crave and look forward to alcohol even more so deepens his emotional attachment and addiction too it.
      I’ve always over done everything i liked and get obsessed with it i don’t know if thats and addictive personality or what (i use to think addictive personality was bullshit as everyone does things they like regularly, difference is i guess with me it’s never enough and i do and did them compulsively i really felt I needed to do it, why i think my depression is genetic and related to my obsessive nature as i had to do things to keep myself distracted and feel good calm i couldn’t just be content happy the way other people were, i think i experience and process emotions differently too i use to think i was very cold unemotional but really it’s more like night and day i either have over the top intense emotions or I’m just numb emotionally always been that way when i think about it).
      Yh good luck.

      • Helen Yelen

        Great insight. Just a thought, have you had an in depth thyroid panel done? I would!! Missed diagnosed thyroidosis will often be confused with mental illnesses such as bipolarism……the FIRST thing they’ll do is stick you on an antidepressant. Be your own advocate! ;)

    • Helen Yelen

      Honey, DON’T stay with this person! Can you even imagine having a child with him? What if he flips out like that on your baby? I don’t know if you’re a mommy yet, but the momma bear will come out and you’ll probably end up in jail! Get away from him. He’s poison. I had one like him when I was 21, and I THANK GOD I got away from him and moved on! Find someone that is kind and loving to you ALL the time! You’re worth it, you really are.

  • Anonymous

    My ex son in law drank himself out of his marriage the problem is they still love each other but his drinking gets in the way of them reconciling,he starts to drink on a Friday and stops on a Sunday night,I have pleaded and begged for him to go and get help but he is in denial and refuses blatantly,I am afraid that he is going to lose daughter and his son for good as she feels depressed all the time as his drinking has now lead to him sleeping around because they are divorced,and at the same time he wants to reconcile,what more can I do or should we just let him be and move ,,,thanks

  • Anonymous

    My husband and I divorced a couple of months because of his drinking,I realized after our divorce that I still love him and we’ve decided to try and revive our relationship for our son’s sake,but he seems to drink more than before,he only drinks from Friday to Sunday and then it’s excessively,he becomes rude,argumentative and lies all the time even have various one night stands and I’m beginning to blame the alcohol,but is it worth wanting to save a marriage that is so broken already please help,anyone :'(

    • Helen Yelen

      For your sons sake, get him away from an alcoholic! Just my opinion after going through it myself (3 sons) 2 police officers and a very talented welder now! But BOY did I, ME, MY FAULT, put them through it with the love of MY life! How selfish of me :(

  • Alexis

    My boyfriend of 4 years has been a pretty heavy drinker since he was 13 (25 now). A quick background; this man has really impacted my life. From helping me cope with my anxiety, taking in my 2 kids (5 and 6), provided me a home and a sense of security. I never realized how bad his drinking was until it started affecting our income. He was a very functional alcoholic. He would drink 2-3 liters of vodka a week, on top of several 6 packs of IPAs. But a few months ago he had gotten sick and wasn’t able to keep anything down. This kick-started and involuntary withdrawal and landed him in the hospital after having a sizure. His parents were both alcoholics and verbally/physically abusive, so going to them for help is very difficult. Even after the hospital he was sober for 3 weeks and thought he was in control enough to start up again (he was not in control). We started arguing about his intake and I left with my 2 kids for a few days. He tried to blamed me for him drinking again, but I knew it was just an excuse. I was criticized by his mom for leaving him. I don’t know how to deal with another person’s addiction. I’ve​ never had an addiction, nor does it run in my family. I then turned to a friend who has dealt with this for herself and for another. She’s told me that staying positive is the best thing I can do. So I’ve tried talking, asking why he “feels” he needs to drink instead of asking him why he drinks. I’ve tried encouraging the anxiety medication (because i am very familiar with anxiety). I’ve asked him to let me know when he drinks and what he drinks (seeing as he’s suffered seizures). But all in all, I’m still finding empty bottles of vodka hidden in the storage room, large bottles of wine “meant for me” that he’s drank in a single night. And when confronted “positively” he continues to lie to my face and make excuses. At this point I’m not sure if this is worth fighting for, or if I should just cut my losses?

    • The Addict’s Wife

      I have been with my husband for 6 years. Although, I didn’t know (he hid it) he has drank since I have known him; however, over the past year and half it has gotten worse. He started drinking that cheap vodka by the bottles, having seizures, and talking out of his head. I don’t understand the desire to emotionally hurt others and physically hurt himself. He says he loves me and I know he does, but its ashamed that he can’t love me more than THAT bottle. After a year of him being in and out of the hospital and losing his job I left him. As a result, he checked himself into an addition rehab for six months to get help for his drinking. BUT, two days after being released from the program he started drinking again. At this point, I have realized there is no hope for him / addicts. Addicts are selfish, manipulative, weak minded and only think about how they will get their next high. So, once the addicts’ family / love ones realize this, they must ask themselves – Do I want to watch them die? How low will I let them take me? How much can I emotionally deal with?
      I am a 45 year old women and I have decided that I will see it out to the end. Each day I will continue to pray for him in hopes that he will realize what he is doing to US and himself. But, I know the future is bleak and he is the only one that can change his terrible habits. At this point, I don’t believe he wants to so here we stay stagnant with me taking care of responsibilities and watching the on a slow mission to suisude.

      • Helen Yelen

        You are amazing!!

    • Helen Yelen

      It’s going to affect your children. When they’re teenagers, and can fight back (or not) you’re going to see the damage this has caused. I know FIRST HAND. They will resent YOU for not protecting them. Don’t say he’s not abusive to them; watching him abuse alcohol, and watching him mistreat their mother is abusive. It’s affecting your children right now :(

  • Sam Mwao

    I have struggled with it in the last 15 months after some traumatic events. It has reduced my weight seriously, I have lost reliability, have lost my self-esteem. I have lost my girl friend, some friends and at this rate… God knows

  • Jennifer Glidewell

    I have been with my boyfriend now for 4 yrs..He has a really horrible drinking problem..I’m his good gift to the world til he starts drinking then I’m the biggest piece if shit God created..He’s drinking has gotten way out of hand..It’s to the point he hides beer at work sneaks off in the company truck to get beer n comes home n shows his ass with me..yes there has been times he’s gotten extremely abusive….I love this man with all my heart but honestly it’s to the point where I don’t care anymore..But then again I do because I love him..I’ve tried helping him by being fair with him n saying I’d help him n let’s start with a quart a day n cut down from there..Well needless to say that ain’t worked n it’s only getting worse..I’ve done all I can do he’s got to help me if not I can’t help him…He’s about destroyed us

    • Helen Yelen

      I’m sorry Jennifer,
      If you read comments from other women, they’ll all say the same things you’re saying. I’ve been with mine for about 14 yrs. When he’s shitfaced, I’m a fat, lazy useless piece of shit….bla bla bla…..They ALL seem to say the same kinds of things to us when they’re drunk?? Two weeks ago he was calling me his princess, telling me how happy he was, and how much he loves me. Their TRUE LOVE is the booze. We went to counseling years ago, and he laughed in her face. I was so embarrassed!! She said he’s very insecure, I just thought he was being a huge ass. I don’t know, I think you should get out while it’s early. You deserve BETTER!!! Good luck to you sweet girl. ;)

      • IOnlyWantToBeLoved

        get out before you have children. sometimes you have to love them enough to walk away. maybe it’ll be the best thing for him. either way it will be the best thing for you bc he’ll get the help he needs and be the man you want or you will meet someone who will treat you better

  • Dunbogan Boy

    The only person who can stop an alcoholic from drinking is themselves. Trying to stop or change a persons drinking habits will often make it worse. Constantly making comments about a persons alcohol consumption or even deliberately watching every time they pour a drink is probably the most ineffective and destructive way of dealing with the problem. Once you have made it clear that a persons alcohol consumption is the cause of many problems with relationships and their behaviour and that you would like them to reduce their alcohol intake for the good of the “marriage, relationships, work, kids etc” then you have confronted the person with your concerns. Next, put the responsibility on the addict to personally accept that they have a problem and that they need to deal with it themselves.
    At this point, back off. Do Not continue to nag or oversee them.
    They need to find their own answers to deal with their problem. They will not become sober overnight or even in weeks or months but this is normal for long term alcoholics.
    Recovering from addiction may take months or years so if you’re not a patient person then move on.

    • Helen Yelen

      Unless of course you’re on the receiving end of the raging drunks anger and venting. It then becomes YOUR problem each and every time he/she takes a drink. The problem is they tend to have a Jekyll and Hyde personality, and it’s very difficult when you love one of them, but you DESPISE the other. You can make your wishes known, but all they think about is that next drink. It’s not only sad, it’s ruining other lives too. At least with other vices, you go down alone.

      • Ying

        Agree, you can help so much but if they can’t save themselves, leave them and love them from afar. who needs the drama?

        • Helen Yelen

          I agree Ying! Unless of course your older and depend on them financially, then things can become quite complicated. Some people feel they have no way out, and of course there’s that, “love,” thing…… ;)

    • Ying

      sometimes, they never come around and especially if they are the functional alcoholics and have a cushion job that brings the money in to feed the fuel. They dont think there is a problem and they love drinking and there is not much you can do.

  • Annoynomois

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years now, we are both now 24. When I first got together with him he had a fairly bad cannabis addiction, I was so proud after around just over a year of being together he managed to kick that bar habit. He then got himself an apprenticeship which he is in last few months of finishing now. Around 3 years ago his I began to notice he was drinking more than he should be and over the past year I have found countless empty rum and Brandy bottles sometimes even in bed with him after I’ve finished night shift and got home to find them when I’ve pulled back the bed covers. He’s put on a lot of weight since his drinking has increased and is always so tired. One of the worst things about it are the lies he tells to try and cover up his drinking. I have no trust left anymore and feel very anxious at times. I love this guy more than anything and just want him to help himself. Being told by the doctor that he had a problem made him break down and he promised me he would change with the consoling but this was six months ago now and if anything it’s getting worse. I fear for his future.

    • Leslie

      I would suggest discussing about it with him. Tell him about the losses he would be facing if he continues with his habit. Tell him how it would affect his relationship and his life, and that you care for him and want him to stop. In a situation like this, the best thing is to gain the person’s trust. Once he believes that whatever you say can become true, he would eventually stop. Try discussing with him about his problems and how he is facing it. Tell him about how much happier life will be with he being himself and not drunk. People too can help him change. If his friends, family, co-workers tell him how he is getting worse with his habit, it can change him. Discuss with him how his problems, worries and enjoyment can also be achieved without drinking, can also help. If the situation gets out of control, it would be better to take him to a specialist who would be able to help him with his habit.

    • BLM

      Wow, I was you 10 years ago. I talked to him about my concerns and he promised me that if I ever asked him, that he would quit drinking. Well, here we are. I’ve asked him several times and he cannot quit. His addiction is too strong. He buys time by saying he’s going to try to get better on his own. We are married with 3 kids. I wish that I knew then what I know now about addiction. I probably would have never married him or at least not started a family with him. It hurts all of us and now I have to decide if I am going to leave him and split our family. My advice, do not commit to anything until he has gotten sober and has proven a complete lifestyle change for 6 months or so. Don’t believe any promises. He needs to prove it with actions. Learn to set boundaries. I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I hope the best for you. Stay true to yourself.

  • Lucy Brownless

    I was looking for question how to cope with Alcoholic.
    My ex is dyeing,I feel angry with your suggestion ,as i did all the stuff you suggested and he just used and abused me,this continued and its been going on now for 5 years in and out of hospital with various alcoholic problems.
    I feel so angry at people like you tell me to sacrifice my life ,try to have a private word and be compassionate.
    I did all this ,firstly they don’t listen,they take take ,manipulate ,use and spit you out and people around you think your a walk over and dis own you too ,the alcoholic just want you to drink to sneak alcoholic in to the hospital ,discharges them selves so can get out get a drink, all the person with a drink problem wants to do is a slow suicide ,it like cancer and can be terminal and i feel got except ,you can’t fix it your just enabling them to be a user .So from my experience stop trying to fix – and except there dying and you cant save them .As they need to save themselves .

    • Timothy Sullivan

      I have come to the conclusion that professional help is the only way for a habitual drinker to stop ( and still may not work ) now this may seem cold but , get gou , get away from and or run from this person they will Drag you down i every way ! They do not and will not care about you . This person will harm your health.

    • Val Valls

      I agree with Timothy.

      If they prefer their habit over you… it hurts, yes. But it’s better for you to walk away.

      It’s like they are having an affair. Do you want to stay with someone so fickle and heartless? Their partner isn’t a human, but their drug of choice. They have made their choice.

      It is more therapeutic for you to let them live with the ‘one’ they love.

  • Lucy Brownless

    Firstly try to talk – What a joke – this is there favourite time for manipulation.
    Please what am i to do ,i received a call for the first time in ages ,on my answer machine asking me to get in contact ,I did they answer and pretended did not know me than told me had 7 seizures and been very poorly ,its hard as am i suppose to be compassionate playing on my heart strings ,they hung up on me and left me feeling hurt ,it was like talking to a ghost

  • Ying

    I have been very supportive and kind to my old friend who led alcoholism and his own self indulgence ruining his life for the last 20 years. We reconnected after 20 years and when he is drunk, he would send me extremely vocal and mean messages and blame me for his first marriage because of me and she was a replica of me…(nothing like me). His ex was an pill popper and two addicts together was a perfect recipe for disaster. Of course that did not work out and sadly, they had children together. Addicts relationships should NOT have children and they can’t give love and nothing to offer to the next generation. I listened and took his verbal abuse over the phones for 8 months and I eventually put my foot down and put him in his place of bulling and he was shocked. As long as they take their drunk, the monster comes out and if they dont stop, you stay away. They will find their own kind to hang out and get deteriorated together or drink themselves to death and they wonder why they are alone?

  • Helen Yelen

    Thank you!! Thank you!!

  • ABQJOE

    I’ve read a lot of the stories on here and I’m sure glad that I’m not alone in this battle! A little over a year ago my brother n law passed away and my wife got extremely depressed! She continued to go to work and maintain her composure as best as she could for about month and then decided to take a short 2 week leave from work. 2 weeks turned into a month which turned into her basically just letting her job go (this is one month after we just bought a house). She got bedridden for around 6 months, completely, and I became very worried about her. I started taking her to the hospital a lot because she was having heart palpitations, arrhythmia, extremely high blood pressure, and falling down a lot, she also wasn’t eating. I thought my wife was dying from some weird disease! None of the doctors could figure out what was wrong with her! I got a number from a friend to an eastern medicine practicing doctor who detected a systemic yeast infection (which at the time I didn’t realize she was drinking yet). The doctor said that this infection was responsible for a lot of the problems that she was having. He put her on some medicine that got her back up and running but then she deteriorated once again. One night, about 2 weeks after seeing the eastern doctor, I got home a little bit later than usual and my wife was sleeping peacefully upstairs and rather than disturbing her I decided to sleep in the downstairs bedroom. The next morning when I was getting out of the shower I realized that I forgot to get a towel so I pulled one out of the clothes hamper and that’s when I saw it! Around 4 gallons of empty Vodka containers just sitting there in the clothes hamper. I started looking around even more and found several other stashes of empty Vodka containers in old purses, old bags, pillow cases, all over the place. This was in March and it’s been an uphill battle since then! Once found out she realized that she could no longer drink at home so she started going to friends houses or parking somewhere close to a gas station where she could get her Vodka and just drink and pass out in her car. Fast forward to today she’s pretty much lost all of her friends, her family barely talks to her, and 3 days ago I myself packed a bag and am living with a friend. Last week she went to jail for the first time in her life and was drinking and driving again just 3 days after getting out of jail. We’ve been together for 22 years and she’s never been an alcoholic before this. Sure, we’d ride our mountain bikes to the brewery 10 miles from the house, have a beer or 2, eat a meal and ride back but nothing out of the norm. She did get to a point where she wanted help and her mom and I tried like hell to find a rehab that would take her for little to no cost because at this point I have no savings due to paying all of the bills on my own. Nothing but doors closing on our faces! Last week, on the day she went to jail her mom found a rehab that would take her but now she doesn’t want to go! I really just don’t know what else to do to get through her and I left my house hoping that my absence would motivate her to stop drinking by making her realize what’s really important to her in her life. I still talk to her and go by every morning because I have Bonsai tree’s that need watering everyday but that’s about it. She cry’s and begs me not to leave her one minute but the next minute she’s like “Fuck You, Leave”! I tell her that I’m not leaving her that I’m leaving the alcohol because I just can’t stand it anymore. I’m not able to concentrate on my job or anything for matter. Any advice on my situation would be greatly appreciated, thanks!

  • I Don’t want to tell name

    Please answer me, if anyone can, please, please, please read this,
    I’m 15 years old, i’m an Indian, i’m just one to my parents, My father is an alcoholic addict, he comes drunken everyday, that is not the problem, he makes useless fights in the house, i’m so worried about my mom, she gets an unknown paralysis like medical phenomena, even i don’t wanna talk about that, but that is also one of the major health problem. My father is just a beast after he is drunk, he doesn’t listen to my mom and me, he just listens to others and fights with my mom, all my relatives are devils, they are the ones who tell all the lies to my father, he comes to home and raises a huge fight which lasts till 3:00 am sometimes. one day, when he was saying that my mom has an illegal relationship with her sister’s son, my mom went under a phenomena where her hands and legs got paralyzed, she felt down, from then on wards, whenever my father comes drunken(5 times in a week), this happens(my mom will undergo that phenomena). We just have one family(relatives) who are with my mom, they are with my mom all the time. I never used to care my father, which he would make a reason to make a fight, my mom always kept telling me that, I’ve to be good to my father, now i’m behaving good with my father. But whenever something like this happens, my heart goes heavy, there starts an unknown fear, i have faced a worst situation when i was in 8th standard(talking about that makes this too long), from then on wards when ever he comes drunken my heart goes heavy, and unknown fear starts, i always fear what happens to my mom, that situation will be the worse, even sometimes, when i am in the college, i’m afraid that he would come drunken, and i’ll be afraid that he is making a fight with my mom, i don’t want to tell what are the reasons of the fight, because they are anyhow all lies(even my father know that), so, the main problem is drinking alcohol, almost forgot, when he is not drunken, he never does any of this, really, he is just so normal when not drunk, i explained my problem, the problem is alcohol, the problem is with my father drinking the alcohol, can anyone please help me with my problem, please, i’ll pay you in the future for sure, my English is not that good, hope you’ll understand this, when i’ll stand on my legs, i mean, when i’ll earn on my own, i’ll pay you for sure, can anyone please help me with my problem

    • #the struggle is real

      Wow im so sorry honey your dad is only going to change when hes ready its control that he feels he is earned but he has not you cant change him he has to want to do it his self i think you and your mother need to leave and you can always love him and help him just from a distance so you all dont get hurt honey your smart you know you all dont desever it you take care pf your mom hold your head up high and pray and let him take care of his problems you cant hurt for him yes but you cant aid his problems he thinks youll never leave honey you all move on and juat see in the future amen

      • I Don’t want to tell name

        Thanks for your reply

    • #the struggle is real

      Are you okay?

      • I Don’t want to tell name

        Things are a bit better now… i’m okay, and thanks for your time

    • Sandy

      Where do you live?

    • Anand Prakash

      Well kid I know pretty well what u r going through…… Normally I would recommend u to talk to him n let him know your fear, Take him to a doctor…… I know it is quite a difficult task but let me tell u “fight for ur dad”… He is not bad, he is just ill n u need to take care of him……

  • Help plz

    I recently found out that my friend drinks because he has clinical depression and his household is not the best place for him to live in and I would like to know how I can help talk him out of his drinking problem and suicidal thoughts. Thanks

    • TheJoker

      If I were you I would try to get him to see a doctor for his depression. I don’t know how long he has been abusing but alcohol fucks up your brain and it only gets worse over time. Get him help ASAP. Suicide is no joke. Talk to him and tell him you are there for him when he is sober and maybe try to see if he can move to a better living situation?

  • Jane

    My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic but when I’m not with him I have a gut feeling he drinks. He has told me that he isn’t but his actions speak louder than words. We are due to move in together in less than a month and I am so down and don’t know what to do? We both have children too which makes things a lot worse. He is going to probation AA meetings every week but last night I knew he’d been drinking and when his phone went dead he never called me back (on skype). This is one of the signs I know really well when he has been drinking. I want to talk to him but I know hell get angry so please could you give me advice of how to deal with this as I have run out of ideas and I am really struggling?

    • TheJoker

      RUN!!! Get away from this man, and do not move in. He needs to be alone and recover a good year to get into a serious move like that with children. This is a no brainer! RUN LIKE HELL!

  • Arys

    I’m 15 and my mom and dad are both raging alcoholics which leads to many fights especially with my oldest brother (who is mentally ill). My mom is nearly constantly drinking, whereas my dad just goes on occasional binges. My dad is attempting to quit now, but what I’m worried about is my mom. Among all this, I am diagnosed with severe depression and generalized anxiety. I see a therapist for my issues, and she agrees that if my mother stopped drinking the household would be a much calmer place. The issue is, my mom gets super defensive whenever one of us kids bring up her drinking, and she knows we’re all disappointed in her for refusing help, yet she continues to drink. How can I get through to her? She’s mentally ill as well, but she refuses help. Oftentimes I wish I was the adult in our relationship so I could control her appointments , because there’s no way she’ll get help of her own free will. I don’t know what to do. Lately, it’s been making everything worse, and I know her own emotional issues and the stress of our lives (we’re not doing great with money especially) lead to her using alcohol as a coping mechanism, but the way I think of it, it’s like self harm. You get addicted to it, but all you’re doing is hurting yourself and others. Sometimes I think about going back to cutting until she stops drinking just to get her to take it seriously. I probably won’t as I couldn’t get away with it, but I’m just at a loss.

    • ZenPuppy

      I know it’s been a long time since you posted but I wanted to reply and ask how you are doing? If you get this message plz write back and let me know how things are. You are not alone. ???

  • Help

    My dad tends to drink when he has a bad day or gets stressed out. He says he wants one then continues to drink more throughout the night. When I try and take it away from him he gets mad and makes comments towards me to get me to feel upset about myself and which in turn will make me leave him alone. He doesn’t drink on weekends but he drinks everyday after work until he’s slurring his words. When I tried talking to him when he was sober, he kept telling me to stop exaggerating and that he doesn’t have a problem and that he can stop at any time he wants. What do you suggest I do to help him?

  • Anna

    Im 13 and my mom is a hardcore alcoholic. My dad doesn’t drink, but my parents are constantly fighting. And 2 months ago I was diagnosed with severe depression and schizophrenia. My mom and dad fight events day and all I can do is lock myself in the room and cry. My parents push, hit, pull eachother resulting in my mom collapsing every fight causing another injury. I feel like my mom is a monster when she’s under alcohohl, she hits me, yells nasty things at me, doesn’t listen to me. I am so hurt inside because of my mother and I want help for her but whenever my dad even tries to get her help she denies she’s drunk as yells. Every night at 2-4am I can hear my mom falling, hitting her head on the ground, collapsing down the stairs, dropping bottles, mumbling, crying, crawling. I lock my door and plug my ears every night. Most nights my mom just disappears. A week ago she was lost for 6 days and when she came back yesterday we found out that she had lied to me saying she went to her mom, she went to a club, got drunk until she couldn’t walk, was walking across th street over to the bus station and on the way there she was pushed and punched to the ground by a gang of 4 men who were asking her for money as she refused she fell down the stairs to the train station. I remember waking up and seeing my mom getting up from bed and hiding her face from me and dad. Her left cheek and forehead were totally scraped down to her tissue. Her nose has a bloody scratch, eye swollen and scratched, eyebrow torn. Her legs all bruised as she was shaking. I can’t look at my mom anymore. And my whole entire life I’ve tried so hard to help her, I called the doctors, talked to my therapist, tried to give her pills, she just yelled at me and denied it every time

    • Jolene Van Dyk

      Dear Anna

      My heart broke when i read your letter, People with alchahol adiction do not realize they have a problem and they tend to blame everything on any body els but them selves, Maybe you should talk to your dad and ask him if you can go stay at your granparents or a aunt for a while. If that is a option for you just so that you can take a break and focus on your own well being for a bit. Maybe you can all stage a intervention for your mom, get all your love ones together and everyone can write down their feelings and concerns. Tell her that you plan to leave for a while and will come back if she agrees to get help and sober up.
      You should be enjoying your teenage years have fun with your friends shop at the mall the only stress you should have is who will take you to the school dance and did you study enough for that test, you should not carry the burden of a drunked mom falling around and vanishing for days on end

      I hope that your family gets the help you need and that your mom will see what she is doing does not only effect her but it effects everyone around her specialy her child

      My heart goes out to you just know that you are not alone there is a lot of support out there and people who have and are going through the same difficult situation that you are in reach out to a support group in your comunnity surround your self with positve people

    • ZenPuppy

      Anna,
      Are you okay? My heart goes out to you! I am 45 years old and I grew up with alcoholics and drug addicts, it’s hard!!! I feel for you and hope you are okay. I would love to hear from you! Life will get better! One day you will have a life of your own and will be able to make of it what you want it to be, until then things might be tough. Hang in there and pray. It may seem like you are alone but you are not. I am here for you and I know there are others that will be here for you too. It is very hard to see your parents drunk….I remember those days and still have some of them from time to time. There is a lot of love in this world, you are strong and I know you can get through this. Please reach out to us and let us know how you are doing. Take care sweet Anna and know you are no true alone. ???

  • Paris Crawford

    My bf I love him with all my heart. He is always drinking almost everyday. He turns into a whole nothing person it makes me cry. The alcohol causes him to be really anger and yell at me and others as if he had a serious anger problem. He talks about getting a gun and shooting himself. He also spend all the money that is needed for rent ect. As if he only lives in a moment. I read his journal that he had made while he was in jail (this is before we met) and in his journal he ammits to himslef that he needs help. But he stays out all night. It is stopping him from being this Great man I know that he can be. This man is really intelligent and giving it all up for alcohol. It’s causing him to be really irresponsible we have to children I do not want them to grow up around this it’s so sad it’s putting a whole in are relationship. I don’t want to leave what if I have to. I just only want to help him it breaks my heart. Even the people he surrounds himself with so called friends let him drink and drink and they drink with him as if their useing him but truly I’m the only one that cares.???

  • Unknown

    Hes a lost cause. Mom is doing it on purpose. Which tells u what ur up against. He may quit…but ask yourself if you r willing to suffer for however long that takes. Move out. Move on. If he catches up…good for him. If not…then ur not around to blame n maybe others will see that it was just an excuse. Leave him.

  • Maria B

    I am 20 years old and my dad is an alcoholic. My mom said that when I was younger me and him were very close since I was the first born. My memory from those times is a blur I do not remove one thing. A few years ago my dad started drinking very heavily. Everytime he’d drink he’d turn violent against my mom. I remember everything like it was yesterday. My mom never caused any fight instead she’d stay quiet. One night he got so drunk he started punching the wall and yelling and cussing, waking me and my 2 younger siblings up. I was so scared but I had to act tough for my brothers I went to go check my parents room to see if my mom was ok and he was choking her. I imidietly yelled. I was cussing at him I was saying it all. I was around 14-15. Those times I was honestly scared every night. It’s like me and my brothers were use to him being violent but scared at the same time. Since then mine and his relationship no longer exist. We live in the same house still but we really don’t talk. He calmed down tho. He isn’t violent how we was years ago. But since then he does not spend money on us (his kids) or my mom or bills. He gets payed weekly and he pays bills here and there. He has never boughten my brothers or I any school supplies or clothes or anything. My mom works and also gets payed weekly and she manages to buy us everything we need , she payes almost all the bills and still buys groceries. My dad doesn’t worry about that or us. He worries that he won’t have money to buy beer. That’s really all he cares about . I help out my mom when I have jobs. My dad can’t even cut weeds outside the house. I look up to my mom so damn much. With a weekly check she buys us food, clothes, pays bills, she does all the yard work and sometimes the inside. Like my dad does not lift a damn finger. It’s just sad to know that my dad can care less about us. Like o honestly don’t know how it feels to have your dad care about you or your family. He’s never told me happy birthday, never given me a hug especially a kiss. I feel like I’m emotional scared because I’d want my dads love. I want him to love me the way my friends dads love them. I know it will all change once he stops drinking but he just doesn’t want to. Idk if I’m explaining myself good but it’s overwhelming for me. Sometimes I wanna go talk to a therapist about all this because honestly this is my only big life problem I have. I just rather keep everything in. I feel like because of that I have an attitude sometimes. I have a younger brother he’s 16 and I pray to god he becomes a responsible young man and not follow the footsteps my dads taking.

    • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

      Maria B… Thanks for sharing your story with us. I admire your courage. As someone who grew up with an alcoholic father, I can relate to much of what you wrote. My suggestion to you would be to find a therapist and talk to them. Therapy did wonders for me when I was dealing with my dad’s issues, and I didn’t try therapy until much later in life. I think if I would’ve done it sooner, it would’ve saved me a lot of years of internal suffering. So I say go for it. Now. Find a therapist. Make an appointment. Talk to them. And let them help you deal with your feelings. I also recommend that you find an Al-Anon meeting in your area and check it out. Al-Anon is an amazing support group for loved ones of people with alcohol issues. It can be incredibly comforting to be among others who know exactly what you’re going through and feeling. Believe me: You are not alone. And you do not have to struggle alone. There is help out there and you should seek it out.

      I’m sending you lots of positive energy and love and hope. And big hugs.

    • Dawn

      Hi Maria B,

      Just a thought now that you are an adult. Maybe you and your dad could go to Lunch or take a walk at a park and you share your heart. Or maybe write him a letter. You could start by asking how he grew up and what was his relationship with his mom and dad..You may find he had a tough up bringing. Let him know how you really would like a dad like your friends and that you would like to get to know him and how your mom works hard and how they could work together how much easier it would be. Let him know you don’t like the way he acts when he drinks …..Al Anon is a great program and they are everywhere. It will even help you have this talk with your dad. Please don’t drink you must break the cycle and your family too. Will send this with a prayer. God hears you! Keep praying. May He bless your heart and your family. May your Dads heart soften to see what he has done to your family. May he be strong enough to make changes. You are a strong girl! Bless you, Dawn D.

    • Susan

      I grew up with an Alcoholic mother and father. It was hard. But, I made it and went to college and created my own life.,
      Talking to a school counselor is a good idea. There are also some good books about kids who grow up with alcoholic parents. It’s so sad and not your fault. Anthony Robbins is a good resource, too. He had a hard life. His mom was drug dependent. He’s now quite successful and helps others.
      My main help is Jesus. May sound corny, but he is our real strength in time of trouble. Every night before you go to sleep ask him for wisdom and guidance. And, truth. He’s real and will never let you down. You might be the light your dad and family need. Read the Bible. Find a church if you can,
      You need the power of God in your life.
      I’ll be praying for you and your family. I see your strength and integrity. So does God. He’s with you.
      I’m guessing your dad was abused as a child. I’m proud of you.

  • IOnlyWantToBeLoved

    i have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now. we have a 5 year old daughter. yes, He’s an alcoholic. if i would’ve been stronger i would have never gone this far with him. i love him to death lord knows i do. I’ve tried to be there for him, but its become a full time job. he constantly loses jobs, needs constant validation, blames me for his drinking , calls me fat and lazy, Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde syndrome for sure. If your reading this and this is hitting home GET OUT. they will never change unless its their idea. you can sit there all you want and tell yourself “if i love him harder he will change”, He didn’t mean those things he was drunk, etc etc. truth is, if he loved you he would try. he would never risk losing you or try replacing you. he doesn’t love you :( only what you do for him. that could be a mother figure: cooks cleans,works,etc. or someone who helps him drink: gives him a little booze to cope, picks him up from the bar/jail. he knows you will always be there for him one way or another. If this is you run, run far away no one can help him but him. and in most cases they don’t want the help. they don’t see that its a problem in there life

  • atul dwivedi

    My brother in law has been addicted to alcohol for than 5 years.We have tried everything to get him out of this addiction but whatever we did gone to waste.When someone who is very close to you indulge in such kind of activities makes you feel like a heartbreak

  • someguy

    This can be a never-ending cycle. Alcohol abuser drives away support network, tries to get help, is lost with no support because of driving everyone away, drinks more and drives away even the new support network that enjoys drinking. Repeat. I have only ever met one person strong enough to break away, and that’s the wife I drove away with lack of support for her struggles and being mean when I felt unloved. (How does that even make sense? Get love by saying mean things? This is the kind of logic alcohol creates.)

    I am so weak and it is so hard to realize how I made her so unhappy, but she beats and continues to beat it. I love and am proud of you, KC, for whatever it will ever matter.

    If anyone is here and then retreats, thinking “well, it can’t get worse, so what does it matter if I drink?” It can always get worse. I had my marriage ready to come back into my hands and didn’t even realize it. And then threw it away again because “it can’t get worse.”

  • Susan

    I need help! My brother has been an alcoholic for 30 years now, has been in/out rehabs 8 times, 2x at Betty Fords. He has lost his job, house, wife and 2 kids but just can’t stop! He’s a freak when it comes to eating right and working out 2 hours a day yet he’ll drink a ltr. of Vodka a day for 5 days straight. His alcohol levels have been scary high that I’m just so worried that one of these times I’m going to get that one call. When is enough going to be enough?

  • Peter

    I carnt help my mate CU’s wen I leave after work I can’t stop himself having a drink wot shud I do He’s had a lot ov woman problems and now he found a good Lady just hope it works out for him but she making him stop 2 fast

  • Someone

    I’m 13 years old and my mum can’t stop drinking, she lost her sister which added to the problem. I know this may sound harsh but I hate her when she’s drunk, because I keep thinking is why? Why are you choosing to ruin our family because you want a drink. It’s unfare to my dad because he works his hardest for us in and out of work. Me I’m 13, well I was 11-12 when It started. But now it’s spirling out of control. I really need some advice.

    • ʜᴇʟᴘᴇʀ

      I know how it is to have parents with addictions that affect a family’s life. It is hard to change people because everyone has to decide for themselves. We can do things such as helping our parents by cleaning up the house or helping watch siblings. I prayed for my parents and did those things. I also believe that if you can keep in mind an end goal for your life you will regulate your decisions to get there.
      A book that puts this end goal into perspective is the Book of Mormon. Read the Book of Mormon. You will find your own peace there. You can share the book with your family and will find that there is power to be healed in reading. I know that this book can help people change their life. It changed mine.

  • Toleratingoverdrinking

    Olivia…please remove yourself from that house and that man/family. He will never change and he/they will eventually poison you and your children. I have been married for 25 years to a wonderful man that drinks too much on occasion. His family emboldens him to drink. I have NEVER been in the company of his brothers, sister, father in which the alcohol wasn’t flowing freely. His bro and sis both have had multiple dwi’s, wrecked vehicles, abused their mates, and bro even took his own life last year. But yet, they still won’t admit they have alcohol problems. I’ve called them drunks to their faces, avoided association with them, etc but it still doesn’t change a thing. They just LOVE their liquor more than anyone else’s feelings. It’s a weakness that turns into gross selfishness. My own husband drinks 3-5 alcoholic beverages every eve. Not a big deal…doesn’t adversely affect any of his relationships, except ours on occasion. I have to maintain a prayerful attitude about it and remind myself of how great he is about everything else in order not to be discouraged. It sounds to me though that there isn’t anything redeemable about your man or his family. GET OUT! It will NOT get better. If he truly loves you and your kids maybe it will be what snaps him into reality and will change. If that appears to be the case, I’d still give it a year+ of sobriety and visible support from his family and friends before I would even consider allowing him into your life. Take pictures of him drunk and any proof of it to give to an attorney or judge to keep him away from your kids too. Love them and yourself enough to get away.