I Left My Addicted Husband…and it Saved Our Lives

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Rehab Helps Thousands of Addicts Quit. It Can Help You, Too.

When you’re married to an addict, your whole life turns upside down. Chaos naturally accompanies the disease of addiction. What used to be a happy home can quickly take on the appearance of a circus – especially if your spouse is actively abusing drugs.

There’s a wealth of information out there for those looking to help an addicted loved one, but what about helping yourself? What about your feelings, wants and needs?

A Love Story Turns Sour

Janet Howe is all too familiar with the struggles that come with loving a spouse who’s actively abusing drugs. Her husband, Tom, spent the last six years of their 12-year marriage addicted to OxyContin and heroin.

She eventually realized something had to change and that change had to come from within.

Here’s how Janet finally gave herself permission to detach from her husband – and why she says it’s the best decision she ever made.

Q: So, Janet tell me a little bit about your relationship with Tom.

A: Well, I met Tom my junior year of high school. He was part of the “cool” clique I guess you could say; he liked to drink a few beers on the weekend and do a little drag racing here and there. That “danger” is probably what attracted me to him in the first place. We began dating the summer before my senior year and got married three years later.

Q: How and when did Tom develop an addiction?

A: Like so many others, Tom developed an addiction to prescription pain pills after they were prescribed for a legitimate injury. He actually broke his back from falling off a roof. After several surgeries, he could no longer function without a 24-hour supply of OxyContin. He was eventually referred to a pain clinic and, after missing three mandatory pill counts, he was kicked out.

Once he lost that “legal” monthly supply of OxyContin, he started buying them off the street. And that’s when our finances went down the drain. He took every dime we had and spent it on pills. I knew it was bad, but I just didn’t want to admit to myself how bad. I was in denial, you know?

After creditors began threatening to sue and we’d had both our cars repossessed, I took on a second job. Tom was getting a monthly disability check. Combined, we could have probably gotten ourselves out of the financial mess we were in, but he just couldn’t stop buying pills.

I finally got a separate checking account and, without access to my income, Tom could no longer afford to buy OxyContin. That’s when he switched to heroin.

Q: What changes did you see in him once he turned to heroin?

A: Oh, he was so much worse. He would lay around the house nodding out constantly. I can’t count the times I saw him passed out on the couch with drool pouring from his mouth. He stopped eating; he only left the house to go meet his drug dealers. He was literally just a shell of a man. Tom, the person I’d loved for the better part of my life, was now a stranger.

For years, I covered for Tom and cleaned up his messes. I made excuses to his family, my family and all of our friends.-Janet Howe

For years, I covered for Tom and cleaned up his messes. I made excuses to his family, my family and all of our friends. I assured them he was fine and just “felt a little under the weather.” And while I was out there doing damage control, Tom became violent towards me. He never physically struck me; he was just so verbally and emotionally abusive – especially when he couldn’t get any heroin and experienced withdrawals.

I tolerated this for six years; six long, sad years of my life. I had convinced myself that, if I left him, I would be abandoning him. As if his choices were somehow a result of my actions. I didn’t want to give up on him, you know?

Q: What finally made you change your mind about leaving?

A: Believe it or not, I was watching an addiction documentary on TV and felt like it was a mirror image of my life. I knew I had to be strong and put myself first for once. I wanted a better life and, if Tom wasn’t interested in improving our lives as a couple, I had to go.

Don’t get me wrong; I’d done all the research and reached out to counselors beforehand. Tom ultimately entered, and was kicked out of, seven rehab programs. It was an ugly pattern that just kept repeating itself. In the end, I had to give myself permission to leave him in order to save my own life. And that wasn’t an easy choice to make; it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

Q: So what happened after you left the marriage?

A: I ended up sitting Tom down one night and telling him I was done.

It’s worth pointing out that Tom was high as a kite when I told him I was leaving, so I don’t know if he really understood what I was saying to be honest – and I didn’t care.

I’d threatened to leave him a hundred times before…I just never followed through.

It took him about three days to realize things were different this time. He promised me the sun and moon, just like he always did, but I stood my ground. I refused to go back into that dark and suffocating environment.

About three months after I left Tom, I filed for divorce.

Q: How did you move forward afterward?

A: You know how they say “everything happens for a reason,” well that’s an understatement for me! Once Tom and I split, he was forced to deal with the mess he’d created. I was no longer there cleaning up all the fallout for him – I know now that I was just enabling his addiction. At the time, though, I really thought I was helping him.

Tom voluntarily entered a long-term rehab program that was located seven hours away. Meanwhile, I was doing my own healing. I joined two therapy groups and quickly learned that my situation wasn’t uncommon – not by a long shot. But it was so nice to be able to talk to people that intimately understood what I was going through. That support is worth its weight in gold, let me tell you.

I know now that I was just enabling his addiction. At the time, though, I really thought I was helping him.-Janet Howe

Tom spent nearly six months in a recovery program and transitional sober living house. We spoke once or twice a month; I began to hear flashes of the Tom I used to know. He slowly found a new kind of peace within himself and that gave me comfort. I knew he was going to be okay.

Q: What’s the status of your relationship today and do you have any regrets?

A: Well, if this were a fairy tale, I’d say that Tom and I got back together and lived happily ever after…but this is real life and things didn’t work out that way. In fact, they worked out much better. Tom and I divorced – amicably I might add – and we both moved on.

woman sits in livingroom talking to friends

Today he’s sober, healthy and happy. In fact, he’s working as a guide and counselor for a youth wilderness therapy program.

As for me, I’ve learned how to stand on my own and not put the well-being of others’ ahead of my own needs. Today, I am an active participant in building the life I want to live. I’ve learned that it’s okay to detach myself from toxic situations and I’ve set boundaries that define what I will and will not tolerate from others.

Most importantly, I’ve found happiness and peace with my past and the decisions I made. I’m a stronger person for all I’ve experienced and I refuse to waste time lingering in the past. I’ve got too much life to be living to do that!

No regrets; no what ifs.

Learn more about finding the right recovery program for you or a loved one.

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What Are Your Thoughts on this Topic?

  • Livinglifeinlyrics

    I hope someone is still out there listening…I could use an ear…

    My husband of 1.5 years (together almost 5) is addicted to adderall. It’s been a downward spiral for approximately 2.25 years. It started with running out a few days early each month, to gone with his sixty pills in 15 days…to November 2015 they bumped him up by his request (didn’t know he was going to Dr) to 90 pills a month 20 mg. First month I took 30 away he asked me to help him. So he had 60.. In six days he took 55. After a huge blowout of him resenting my regulations, i finally said do it yourself but if you mess up im done. Mind you i sleep alone he doesnt sleep doesnt eat for days. Stays locked in his shed inventing meaningless pointless youtube projects. In January all 90 gone in 20 days. Gave him separation papers. He promised he would change he loved me he has a problem etc. In February 90 gone in 17 days. I lost it. Begged him to get help. Promised March would be different. And March’s 90 was gone in 10. I can’t do this anymore. He’s no called no showed at work. Hes late to work. He ignores me for days then detoxes then sleeps and eats days on end. Then wants sex??? Then it starts all over again. Nope. No more. It’s financially physically mentally affecting him. It’s emotionally financially mentally and now BC I’m stressed sick over this affecting me. I told him March 17 I was moving out for 30 days. Has been an angel… Until today. I Have a place to go April 1. Been sick all week, he’s been a gem. He calls today. Says he needs to borrow money – no biggie. Then says he went to the doctor and told him about his addiction and that he’s been abusing them. I’m thinking heck yes finally. I said did you tell him how it’s affected us… Crickets. Nope he didn’t tell him. His doctor didn’t get the whole story and put him now on adderall extended release twice a day. Same drug. Just lasts longer???!!! Ever since then he’s been ANNOYING talking about how he has to get up early to go get it. How he can’t wait. Acting like a five year old waiting for Santa. Said see I’m trying to change… THIS IS NOT A CHANGE ITS A SUBSTITUTE!! AND as a result he gets it filled two weeks earlier than his old script would be available. I have tried not to cry all night. He just doesn’t get it!!! :-( I need to remove myself from this cycle. If I don’t I’m going to drown in this myself. He can’t love me until he loves himself enough to change and get clean.

    Thanks for listening…

    • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

      @Livinglifeinlyrics… I’m here and I read your post. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Being in love with someone who struggles with addiction is not only one of the most challenging things we can be put through, it’s also exhausting; mentally and physically. It seems pretty clear that your husband is not ready to change his life for the better. Al-Anon teaches us that we didn’t cause our loved one’s addiction, we can’t control it, and we can’t cure it. Only they can do that. Until they make the decision to do so, nothing we do will change them. Unfortunately, with addiction it doesn’t matter how much we want someone to change. It’s up to them. If I could give you one piece of advice, it would be this: YOU are the most important person in your life. You deserve to live a happy, healthy life, and not be caught up in your husband’s addiction. When we become addicted to our loved one’s addiction, everybody suffers. Perhaps it’s time for you to step back a little and detach a bit. As Melody Beattie writes in her wonderful “Codependent No More” book: “Detaching does not mean we don’t care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy.” You deserve a little less crazy in your life, my friend. I would also like to point you to a blog I wrote not too long ago. It’s called “6 Essential Books for Those with an Addicted Loved One.” I think the “Beyond Addiction” and “Clean” books could really help you in understanding and dealing with your husband’s situation. Here’s the link to the blog:

      link to recovery.org

      I want you to know that I’m keeping you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers. Please remember to take care of YOURSELF.

      Sending you peace and hugs.

      • Michelle

        Thank you Dean and others for sharing your stories and resources. I am experiencing my third separation in a five year marriage due to my husband’s addiction to alcohol and, we now suspect, some type of pills. This is a second marriage and I am struggling with feelings of failure. Your words have helped me. Thanks again. The Lord bless and keep you

        • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

          Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, Michelle. Remember: You have to do what’s best for YOU, because YOU are the most important person in your life.

        • Taj

          I am a heroin addict. I am currently clean. I am 42. Been an addict for 21 years. I hope I stay clean, but it is a daily struggle. It breaks my heart to read all of the stories of these women who struggle silently. The pain caused to them, the pain I’ve caused to my own mothers, sister, wife, girlfriends, and mostly to my self. Life gets worse before it gets better, but it does get better. A little bit every day. Hang in there. Take care of yourselves and the kids.
          T

          • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

            Taj… Thanks for your comment. I’m sorry you struggle daily, but I’m so glad you’re clean. Take things one day a time. Thanks again for your words of encouragement.

  • Lori Keisler

    I also have a husband who is an alcoholic and addicted to pain pills. My life has been turned upside down so many times I am not sure which way is right anymore. I’ve left him before, even before the pills when he was just an alcoholic and things get better for a short while..but he can’t seem to stay away from the pills. I’ve gone as far as threatening one of his suppliers, a woman our age ( he used to date in highschool) who was in a crippling car accident and became addicted to pills almost 18 yrs ago. I let her know I would get her child taken away, the script, her doctor, I told her I would make it my personal mission to destroy her if she even thought about my husband let alone ever sold to him again..which was not a solution. Although she came around after a week and apologized and swore, ( even though her boyfriend left her because as he put it , it was the last straw for them) to never never enable him again she reminded me gently she was small potatoes and that he had plenty of people to get them from, sometimes helping her out even when her script ran out early. I want to leave so bad. I really do. We have three amazing smart beautiful kids who are usually on the same page as me but they love him so much and hate to see him living on one of his loser friends couches, not eating right and so sad he can’t get right.. He has huge heart problems on top of everything and I believe it’s only going to aide in his early death. Which makes me feel like I’d be signing his death sentence if I kept him kicked out of our home, that he happens to pay hlaf of, I read all of these different experiences where once you cut the money off they finally can’t afford their vice, but in my case if I kick him out I risk being left with all the bills, something I cannot afford on my own with three kids. I finally got the courage to so it anyway, just tell him we are all done, and that my kids deserve better from a father, that I deserve a real husband :we haven’t had sex more than four times a year for the last 9 years, he never says two words to me and the highs and lows of his mood swings make me depressed and dark also. The only way I had the courage to do it and mean it this time was to tell my teenage children the truth. They knew he drank too much, but they had never before heard me call him an alcoholic. And they had no idea pills were the cause of his behavior. They do now. I felt like the worst wife and mother for saying it out loud. I felt disloyal, untrustworthy and unloving. But afterwards, the kids became so supportive and I think it made us stronger as a group( my husband not included) to face what had become a horrible pattern in our lives. Now I couldn’t hide behind lies or excuses I would give them, my family or our friends to draw attention away from his behavior. I had to be honest with myself..and my husband, andwhen I look back now I realize we were the only two people in our lives who believed any of my lies or excuses in the first place. I found a woman m age on the exact same position as my family, already healing with her three small children and her husband ( another of my husband’s suppliers–super small town!) Long out of their lives. Everyday I miss and love my husband..but if I can be very honest with myself, the only part I miss is the man I met years ago, the one who may have drank a little too much but gave me three children, made me laugh all the time, and had the mat amazing hazel eyes I’ve ever seen. I’m not even sure that man is till alive inside my husband anymore.. Now he is just a two demential, sick and apathetic man, someone I would never hang out with let alone let live in my house or be around my children. That how I keep from making myself feel like a self loathing crazy bad mom and wife. I have to tell myself it’s not my husband. That something took over his body and he is just not there anymore. I still have days when I want him to come home to die. my father and his sisters had to take care of my grandmother after she ended a 54 year affair with a case a day of old Milwaukee beer, as she wasted away slowly..it was horrible, and I remember that when I feel the urge to reach out to him. I hope with everything I have that one day he wakes up from his stupor,starts to see how much misses us or gets thrown in jail and has to sober up. But most of the time I save my prayers for my children, praying for them to stay safe, toremember that it was out of love for them that I made their dad leave, and that they never fall prey to the deadly habits that obviously run thru their veins just by hereditary law. My heart goes out to anyone who has watched, even briefly, someone they love slowly kill their happiness, their relationships, and ultimately thir own life. Gos bless anyone trying to find the strength to leave and distance themselves or their children from such a debilitating situation.

  • Alexis Jackson

    I have been with my husband for almost 14 years. When we got together we were both using and drinking a lot! He was never “my type” but I some how fell in love with him. I choose to quit and he tried with me but he comes from a home where his Mom was letting him and his younger brother smoke pot at 5 years old so he had no support there. His brother was still very much using at the time also. We went through a lot he even put Meth in my coffee one day after I had been clean for a little over a year but I still stayed with him and thought I could Help him I thought our love would settle his demons. We went through hell together and put each other through hell I had 3 back surgeries in a years time and he’d watch me cry 2 days after surgery cuz I had no pain pills left because he had taken all of them, and I didn’t want to tell anyone because it was really bad. His brother went to prison and got out and moved out of state got clean found a really good lady married her. My husband never really wanted to get clean he said he did but he’d only clean up long enough for me to fall into a false sense of security and then he’d start slowly his same old stuff. In 2010 I had been my fathers caregiver for about 6 years by that time and my Dad was an addict so was my Mom so really all I ever wanted in life was a family…But my Dad died suddenly of a massive heart attack in august. My Dad always had my husband’s back always stuck up for him telling me “he needs you don’t give up on him”. My Dad was my world he got sober and was the best Dad anyone could ask for right up till the end. After they took my Dad’s body away my husband had to go to his house for something and he ended up stealing $1200 out of his pocket from his pants on the floor. Then he(my husband) watched me beg my Mother’s brother to borrow the money so I could cremate my Dad never saying anything just kept getting high on whatever he could…This was a bad time in my life and I lost my kids to the state 2 weeks later, then he told me it was over between us…I went through many emotions to say the least but after a huge battle of depression I fought for my kids and won got them back! We were separated for a year and I finally found the courage within myself to file for a divorce that’s when he decided that’s not what he wanted…He begged and pleaded to take him back that things would be different and so I ended up doing it. It hasn’t been the worst we had ever been through but it wasn’t the best either. 3 weeks ago he cleaned out my bank account pawned all of my jewelry and left wouldn’t talk to me or his kids nothing oh we have raised 5 kids together 2 of mine 2 of his and 1 is ours. and now he says this is not the life he wants to live and he wants to come home…It wasn’t all bad all of the time I swear but it’s bad now. He doesn’t want to go to rehab because he’s been there a few times and in our state they really don’t care. But he’s got no one but me I’m a very forgiving person I’m not even mad about the money or the other women I just think that if I walk away he’ll end up dead. That’s my biggest fear I love him and I don’t want to loose him but I don’t know what to do. I don’t understand addiction I’ve tried and yes I used drink and drug but when I was done I was done there is no going back for me. I cry a lot and the kids want nothing to do with him right now we still have a 16 and 17 year old at home. The 16 year old isn’t even mine its his son from a different relationship but he’s safe with me. My heart is breaking and I don’t know what to do anymore. I know this is a lot of stuff to read but I had to tell someone whats really going on. I don’t have much family we’ve been each others family. I don’t know how to walk away and just let him be I always want to fix it and help him…Please someone help me help myself

    • Nana

      You need to leave him.

  • Pasilla Nans

    Hello i been with my son’s father for almost 8 years and he’s addicted to meth. He also made me a addict but i decided to leave meth for ever! I can’t take his mental abuse anymore, I feel weird towards him. I recently discovered some apps that he downloaded for causal sex and gay or bisexual apps too. He won’t leave me alone and i don’t need him in my life. I just want to live a normal life like i use to before being with him..

    • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

      Pasilla… You have to remember that you are the most important person in your life. Along with your son. There’s nothing wrong with doing what is best for you and your child. I hope you can find happiness soon.

      • Pasilla Nans

        Thank you : )

      • Pasilla Nans

        I decided to move away from him this week. I’m moving hopefully in july and starting a new life!! had a talk with him and his mother and they both wanted to make me feel guilty.. like i’m abandoning him

        • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

          Pasilla… Good for you. You have to do what is best for YOU. It’s hard sometimes, but it has to be done. I will keep good thoughts for you and I’m sending you positive vibes and hugs of hope and encouragement.

        • Nana

          You should leave him. He doesn’t care for you and your son. Somewhere in his brain he can make the decision to stop. You need to move on. It will get better.

          • Lisa Tibbitts

            no… unfortunately he can’t make that decision but she is not responsible nor qualified to help. There is a lot of new info on addiction you might be interested in, I don’t know. But I assure you classical and operant conditioning are just as real as dog drool and heroin addicted rats.

  • Cheryl Love

    My husband is a heroin addict. Just writing that makes my stomach turn. We have been married 13 years and at least 10 of those years we have struggled with his disease. I have changed the way I dealt with it many times and many ways through the years. I have lost track of how many times I kicked him out, how many times he went to treatment. Other than maybe the first time, he stayed for the treatment, 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, then went to sober living for 9 months once, over a year the last time. He had been sober 2 years before he relapsed 4 months ago. I truly believe that he tries and that he wants to be sober, I never really believed that addiction was a disease before going through this with him. I saw his pain and anguish and guilt. I was tough when I had to be and compassionate when I needed to be, but nothing has worked. I threw him out this morning again and sat here crying again and wondering how the hell did I get to this place. Me? Married to a heroin addict? If someone had told me this would happen years ago I would have laughed at the ridiculousness. I am starting to feel like there is a bigger reason for all this and that I need to do something good with it. I was angry today and said some awful things to my husband who is a genuinely a good person, but so sick and I can’t be there in it with him. I feel so strongly at my core that something more could be done in this area of addiction and yet our society that is being so damaged by it wants to sweep it under the rug, hide it, throw these people away or in jail and we keep the cycle going. I have seen some brain research that is really encouraging, but nobody is talking about it. Nobody is really trying to solve the enormity of this problem. People are dying, millions of dollars and lives are being wasted. We have to address this problem. It is everywhere, effects everyone and yet we still keep it a secret in our families and homes, it is shameful to us, to them. I urge everyone reading this to DO something to help, read something, talk to someone, listen to politicians who want to address it in a constructive way and vote for them. Do whatever you can, study, volunteer, talk, whatever you can. It is a global crisis that needs solving.
    Today, I still sit here and cry like millions of others before me and after me because I do not know what to do.
    I know someone will say “help yourself”, go to alanon, get counseling, move on with your life, which I will, but the truth is still so deeply saddening that sometimes you just have to sit and cry.

    • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

      Cheryl… I’m so sorry to hear of the struggles you’re going through with your husband. I went through similar struggles with my oldest son. Thankfully, he was eventually able to find his way to recovery. It wasn’t an easy road, but he made it. I don’t have any magic words of advice for you, or a magic wand to loan you. All I can tell you is if someone mixes willingness and hope enough times, recovery can happen. I hope that your husband won’t give up and will keep trying. I also know that addiction is a family disease and it eats away at an addict’s loved ones something fierce. I hope that someday society will figure out that we have to help the millions of people battling addiction. These people aren’t bad people who need to learn to be good; they’re sick people who want to get well. By coming here and telling your story, you’re helping to chip away at the stigma, so thank you for that. Lastly, you may not want to hear it, but…please do take care of yourself. When we love an addict we need to practice self-care so that we can be the best that we can be and support our loved one. It’s like putting on your own oxygen mask first when there’s an airplane emergency. You have to be well before you can help others. If you don’t do that, everyone will suffer. There’s a really great book out there called “Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change.” It’s written specifically for partners and loved ones of addicts and I think it’s one of the best books I’ve ever read. I wish it had been around when my son was struggling. You may want to check it out. I talk more about the book in a blog I wrote not too long ago entitled “6 Essential Books for Those with an Addicted Loved One.” Here’s the link: link to recovery.org

      Please know that you are not alone. I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers. And I’m sending you positive vibes, peace, and hugs.

      -Dean

      • Scrammincognito

        You’re not alone.

    • Lisa Tibbitts

      We have to support legislation that allows us to commit them to a treatment center instead of kicking them out onto the streets. We need real help and I think its coming. I hope it comes in time for both of us. The best to you.

  • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

    Crystal… I’m sorry that you’re going through what you are with your husband. Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter how much we want our loved one to change their behavior. They are the only one who can take action to stop their addiction. Al-Anon teaches us that we didn’t cause it, we can’t control it, and we can’t cure it. You are not crazy or naive for wanting to believe your husband. You just want to be in a better place. It may be time for you to start thinking about what’s best for you and your children. You all deserve to live happy, healthy lives. The environment you’re in now sounds like it’s neither. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please don’t settle for a lesser life than you deserve just because you think you have to. You are worthy of so much more. Sending you peace and hugs.

  • Pasilla Nans

    I honestly don’t believe a word he says now, even when i see him cry, I know they’re fake crocodile tears . I recently discovered he’s doing meth everyday, so this week i decided to move with my 2 kids and finally leave him after 8 years.. He hasn’t had a job in 7 years. My ex husband been paying my rent ha what a joke! while my fathers son just been doing drugs jobless

    • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

      I totally get that. Like I said before, you have to do what’s best for YOU. And you’re doing that. I wish you nothing but the best going forward.

      • Gayle63

        Thank you. Just hearing from one person means so much. I think the worst thing about addiction is how alone it makes you feel.

        • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

          Well, if it’s any consolation you are certainly not alone. Addiction is a family disease and it affects everyone who is connected to the person with addiction. If we allow ourselves to become addicted to our loved one’s addiction, we oftentimes end up going down the same rabbit hole as them. We can’t save them, only they can do that. So why not focus on saving ourselves? We matter, too.

        • Paige

          Gayle63, we have similar stories. Married 28 years this November. My husband became addicted after a back injury in 2000, so it’s now been exactly half of our marriage dealing with his addiction. I am terrified and so sad thinking about leaving my home that I love. My daughter is seven and loves her friends in the neighborhood. But I feel like I don’t even remember what it feels like to be happy anymore. I’ve tried to resign myself to staying for her sake. My parents divorced when I was five so I promised myself my kids would never know that pain. I just feel lost and angry and so so sad.

  • BJ

    I am in the process of divorce even as we speak, it is not what I ever would have imagined, but my husband has been addicted to pain pills since a severe car accident 3 years ago. Now he is smoking weed and I really ding even know what else. It is heart wrenching because he was clean for almost 19 years. I can not take the lies anymore and put me and my child thru this.

    • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

      BJ… I’m sorry you’ve been through what you’ve been through with your husband. But I’m glad to hear that you are taking steps to preserve you and your child. You both deserve to be happy and healthy. I wish you nothing but the best.

    • Gayle63

      I am seriously considering divorcing my addict/alcoholic husband. We’ve been married 28 years and he was sober for over 20 of those years, but like many others, started back on the road to addiction after being prescribed pain meds, then finding “friends” among other addicts etc. Right now we’re dealing with the expensive aftermath of a horrible car crash that he somehow walked away from, an arrest, and testing positive on a drug test at work — he’s now out on administrative leave, and because of his wild spending habits the last few years, we have almost no savings. He’s in AA and seeing two counselors. I’m accepting that hoping we’ll recapture the happiness of our first ten or so years of marriage is naive. I told him a couple of years ago that I just want to get our youngest child through high school – and now he’s graduating next month, so the time is upon me. So many factors make this scary and complicated–mostly financial. Also very tired of people telling me that “treatment” is the answer, as if there’s a magic solution to this problem. Right now I’m dealing with guilt over wanting to leave when it appears, for the moment, anyhow, that he’s trying to sober up, but also so frustrated that the rug keeps getting pulled out from under me over and over again,lied to over and over again, and knowing I’ll be on my deathbed someday having never been able to live the way I want to because of him. He’s not abusive, just a dumb old addict, but I’ve hit rock bottom myself. Thanks for reading, if you have. Just venting.

      • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

        Gayle63… Thanks for sharing. You are more than welcome to vent. I’m sorry that you’re going through what you’re going through, but never forget: your life is important, too. Sending you peace and hugs.

      • Lisa Tibbitts

        I am not sure why you are tired of hearing treatment is the answer or why you wouldn’t at least try it at this point. What have you or him got to lose from his going to treatment? You also need someone to talk to and a community who “gets” itl. So I say if you have any fight left in you get on it, otherwise get out. Good luck to you and god bless.

  • Kaycee

    Hi there. My husband and I have been married for 3 years. Before we were together he was addicted to pain killers. When we got together he was clean. We were engaged shortly after we began dating and married a year later. About 4 months before our wedding he was involved Ian bad car accident. He had to have multiple back surgeries. He battled the pain for many days after the accident to avoid filling his prescription for pain killers, but gave in due to otc meds not helping. Things have never been the same. We have had to leave 2 houses in 3 yrs bc of him blowing through money on pills. A yr and a half ago it got so bad that I left. It was a daily thing and he was to the point of nodding off while standing or talking. I refused to live like that any longer. A few months later he showed up looking terrible and asking me to help him. I went back and he got clean & we rebuilt our lives. Things were really great! However, a yr later I noticed one day he was “different”. I knew immediately he had taken something. After that day everything was normal again for a few wks. Then it happened again. Then normal a few months. Then I began noticing he was different a little more often, but not bad like before and not every day. Then his money began running out before the end of the week & he was pulling from rent money. He would always put it back, then it got to where he wasn’t even setting aside for rent and having to come out of one whole paycheck to cover his part. I also knew he had been taking pills. Definitely not as many or as frequently as before but it was often enough to scare me because I did not want to go through it again. I tried talking to him to get him to see how I felt and it didn’t work. After many attempts, I decided once again to leave. He confessed he had taken a few in a few months & placed blame on a hurting back & not having insurance to go get meds the correct way and swears it is under control. Since I have been gone I am feeling guilty & miss him and I am going crazy hoping I did the right thing. But I also know in my heart I couldn’t wait around to see if his addiction was going to come back. I am sorry for the long post but I just feel like I am going crazy. He is saying all the right things and making big promises but I am not sure I can try again.

    • Carmen

      Hi Kaycee, I understand fully where you are coming from. My husband has battled his addiction for 13 years. I had finally come to the realization that it wasn’t my fault, and that he needed to see the error of his ways. There was nothing I could do or say to him that would be his “AH HA” moment. We have two children together. My oldest does not live with us, however my 13 year old does. And I started to see the affects it was having on her life. I tried so long and hard to “protect” her from his behavior, but to avail it was not working. In the past I have always tried to make excuses for him, but I realized I couldn’t do that anymore. He forgot to pick up my daughter one afternoon, only to come home and find him once again feeling no pain, so to speak. We had a blow out of an argument and the authorities were called by him against me. I left. I had already decided to move in with my daughter until I could figure what was my next step. In July of last year I had him evicted from our home. It hurt so much to have to do that. I had no where and no one else to turn to. He was evicted, cost me a few dollars to do it, but I had no choice. I had to protect my daughter. Later that month he admitted himself to a rehab center. He was in and out of there three times. After the third time they refused to let him back in. Understand that my decision hurt me very much, however I neede to heal also. I had become a very BITTER person. And when I looked at myself in the mirror one day I didn’t like who I saw. His mother did not want him at her house therefore he was living in his car. He was able to find a place somewhere where he worked to pay the rent. In August, I had a conversation with him, telling him that I would give him 90 days to get help or I would be going forth with a divorce. He called me a few days later telling me that he found a place and that he would be going away for 30-35 days. What you need to understand is that you have no control over his well being, there is absolutely nothing you can do or say that will make him get he help that he needs. Rehab is voluntary. He was released in October and I can say that he has been and sober for 9 months. I had no one to confide in for the past 13 years. It was one of those out of sight out mind kinda deals with his family. My only regret is that I did not seek comfort and guidance from my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ all those years ago. We are now a family who attends church every Sunday and Wednesday’s. We have joined small groups in our church, which has helped tremendously. You are not at fault for his addiction. I am attaching a prayer that I prayed for my husbands recovery. You are not alone. I will keep you in my prayers, God Bless!!

    • Angie

      Hey. I see your post and I know your pain. I am 28 with three beautiful daughters. My I guess you would still call him my husband (we split for good a couple days ago) is also and addict.. I have been with him half my life (since I was 14) and we have been dealing with the same thing for the last 10 years. My advise to you is to move on. You did do the right thing. Don’t learn the hard way and waste many unnessary years going through the same vicious cycle. I am once again in the same boat. Telling myself did I make the right decision? Is he ok? .. You have to take care of u. I have been through more in the last 10 years than some go through in a lifetime. I finally can’t take it anymore… I don’t want to be on the crazy roller coaster anymore. Until someone truly wants to make their mind up that they want to receive long term help then it’s very hard for them to beat the addiction… The methadone clinics and suboxene clinics are all just another addiction.. I spoke with a Chaplin the other day and she truly opened my eyes. She told me that the front part of an addicts brain that allows people to “feel” is just not working when they are using. So pretty much they just tell you what you want to hear. Your the buffer. Not saying to be unkind, but you didn’t make that choice to use and they may not have either , but you cannot allow it to run your life too!

      • Kaycee

        thank you for those words of encouragement.. He is now promising to have direct deposit of his paycheck go directly into my bank account where I control all of the money that he makes and he has also sworn to never take another pill and it is his back gets bad he will go to a doctor and getting on non narcotic meds. both of those sound wonderful but this is the third time I have heard big promises and I am really afraid to go back and see if these changes are forever. I don’t want to keep ending up here. I love him so much but I don’t know if I can give it another shot.

        • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

          Kaycee… It’s okay to feel the way you feel. As a human being, you’re entitled to the full range of feelings. It comes with the package. Maybe sit down with your husband and have a heart-to-heart talk. Tell him exactly how you feel. And whatever you decide to do, know that it’s OKAY. You matter, too. In fact, you matter the MOST. You deserve to be healthy and happy. If someone is preventing you from living that way, you are allowed to move on. I am sending you positive vibes and hugs of hope.

        • Lisa Tibbitts

          Talk to people who know what is going on. Al-Anon or another family support program. You will hear from more people who understand what your going through. This isn’t on you. If he is going to recover he may do better with you but he may not and either way he is taking you down with him. Get the information you need and take care of you first. Don’t be hasty amking any decisions. Best of luck,

        • stephanie

          My ex still makes those same promises and a year ago I agreed and he was here for 2 weeks. We all had decided to take a nap on the couch you know a lazy sunday. Well me and my lil one napped and whole we did he had other olans. I woke up to my car gone and my atM card. Did he have that planned the whole time..no but when the addiction controls ur thoughts they act and that’s it. Since that day he has not been back. He constantly asks to come back and to let him prove things. But my thing and as much as it hurts to tell him no.. he needs to prove it before coming back into the house.. not while he lives here. Manipulating is one of the many talents of an addict. Be careful.

    • stephanie

      I have been exactly where u r at and I’m still struggling if I made the right decision. My ex still wants to come home. He makes me feel guilty. We cry together. He too makes promised. I would love to believe him but I kinda know better and know how it will play out. The what ifs mess with me constantly. What if I let him back and he does the right thing. What if we could be a family again for our daughter. I am currently looking into couseling. I feel like I am an emotional mess. I need help just as much as he needs help with his addiction. Everyone tells me it’s bc we were together or so long we grew up together. It’s a very hard thing. But u have to be happy. And I know me being suspicious all the time about a job or what he’s doing when I’m not around is not a happy life. Even know ING that though it’s still hard. I’m driving myself crazy.

      • Sunrise

        I swear you just described my train of thought! “The what if’s” the going crazy because he left the house and you are scared that he is going to pick up. I even put a damn tracker on his phone! I then found myself consumed in catching him in all his lies, and yet he would still find a way to manipulate me into believing his crap! Finally he broke me! I fell into depression. Lost a great job, damn near lost my house and car. I thought his addiction was being hidden from our 13 year old, only to find out he had her with him on his pick ups while I was at work. He drove messed up with her in the car! He threatend her to not tell me! I fell deep! I failed as a mother I felt, I failed to protect my child! I felt like crap! Finally I decided I need to fix myself for my daughter. I needed to provide a roof for her and make sure there was food in the cupboards. My husband wasn’t capable of working at this point. He was only capable of waking up and finding his next fix! I did start counseling, helped tremendously. I then had a enough courage to file for divorce and have him vacated from the house immediately. It helped that he never showed up for court dates. By this time he never knew what day it was anyways! The divorce has been final for 3 months now, I hear the I am clean and doing so good all the time and the I love you and I want to make this work! Well That same evening He said this I started snooping in his bag that he brought over to the house on his visit with our daughter, and guess what I find? 2 syringes! Yep bringing it on his visit with his daughter! I seem to fall for his BS and then remember what he has pulled and done in the past so I start snooping! It drives me crazy still that I feel like I have to catch him! To make matters worse! I still pay his frickin cell phone bill so I can track him! WHY?? My counselor retired and I know I need someone again. On the plus side I was able to find another job. My daughter is happy and Safe and we are moving forward with our lives. But I miss the man I married the man that would give you the shirt of his back. The man that never lied! The man who truly did love his family! How he ended up loving the drugs more still confuses me. He had everything a sucessful business a great home and family who loved him! Now he lost it all!

        • stephanie

          Wow. Yes. I still speak and we make arrangements for him to see his daughter. She is always so excited to see him. It bothers me she doesn’t have him around. He told me he had money for me to help with upcoming school and instead of giving me money he tries to give me a handful of pills. That just proves he isn’t doing what he is suppose to do. Since leaving my husband I have accomplished so much. I bought a house on my own. I am working and I’m in graduate school. Zoey goes to dancing and gymnastics and is a happy little girl. He isn’t doing anything to contribute but is still costantly asking to move here. He makes sexual advances asking to come and “make love”. As if he should be rewarded for doing what??? It’s a constant and vicious cycle of heartache and I know letting go would be best for me but idk how to do that. Sharing half our life together, growing up side by side, there is so much history, so many emotions, and then zoey..

  • donna

    Hi crystal, I’m in the same situation, my husband an I have been married for 3 months, however we have been together for 9 years. I have been struggling with him an his drug addiction for 5years. He uses meth and smokes weed. He comes home early hours of the morning, then rearranges the house, an then wants to wake me up coz he wants to have sex or just talk. I’m the only one that works, he has no desire to go work, my debt is falling behind I’ve received lawyers letters an he just doesn’t care!! He cries during the night saying I’m so distant an he misses me. I don’t fall for those tears no more. But wen he tells me he wants to get his life on track I actually believe him. He is always “fixing” things that need money an then ends up doin it on his own coz he uses the money for the drugs. I have now resorted to not buying food at home coz his too comfortable, we are never short of anything coz I always make a plan. Now we running out of stuff an his moaning that his Hungary an that there’s no food!! Many times wen I get home from work or church Im locked out of the house coz he rakes the keys wit him. All his promises are lies. He even lies wen nobodies talking to him, he will just start making up stories an exaggerating to make himself look good. Mean time everyone can see right thru him an its so embarrassing cozz people are constantly asking if all is ok!! I’m so fed up that I’ve had to bring in external forces to deal wit this. Tough love will have to be the name of the game

  • stephanie

    I too was with my ex husband since I was 14. I finally had the courage to leave him when I found a needle laying out on my kitchen cabinet. I was furious he would leave it out when we had a toddler in the hiuse. I called the police, they took him to jail and I filed for divorce. It was the most hardest thing I ever had to do. I still struggle if I made the right decision. He has been out of jail for a year now and it has been an emotional rollercoaster. I feel guilty for leaving him with nothing and nobody. We still talk alot and his life is still going down hill. Heroin took everything he loved from him. I’m so afraid I will be buring him if he doesn’t get help soon. My now 3 year old loves her daddy so much. It’s very hard to see I made the right decision bc of her. I been trying to get him into treatment. As for my life it has completly turned around for the better. I am working on my masters and purchased a house and take care of my daughter, but my emotional state and broken heart is still affecting me every second of the day. How do I release it?? I can’t get past memories and 18 years. It hurts. I know I don’t want that life again. I went through hell for many many years. But I can’t get rid of the attachment.

  • Marlene

    I find so helpful to read all these stories. I have been with my addict for 32 years married and divorced twice. (still divorced but together). He lives in my home and I had to file eviction papers on Monday. We have been living together but the home is mine. He is an alcoholic and addicted to pain pills. I have been supporting us for at least the last year. The reason is he has a million excuses why he was not paid. The final straw was when I was missing money out of my wallet last week. I pay all the bills and then you steel from me just set me off. This is so hard to do I think actually worse then the divorce. I believe I need as much help as he does but in a different way. I pay all the bills anyway so not sure what I am afraid of. All the promises he makes about getting clean never seem to go through and its month after month. I to have the guilty feeling of where he will go. Thanks for listening.

    • KMTj

      I have been with my husband for over 20 years and it has been hell for most he stayed sober for for only 6 years and in those years he accomplished his graduate degree made close to six figures hasd it all, he served in the military he is now a 100 % Veteran and receives a lucrative amount of money monthly and give it all to the dealers he had a beatiful truck that he has given to the dealers I took it off the insurance we have a 12 year old daughter and a son in college that is a junior my son want stay at the house on break because of his habit he has stolen everything I help take care of my brother who has congestive heart failure he is so rude to him also when he becomes aggressive he can’t help me the police has taken me to jail twice because they feel I’m the aggressor but I know they feel loyalty to him because he’s a veteran its hell now I want to move because I have no family here except his who are no support especially his mother. I’m panicking because I may have to quit my job and step out on faith my girlfriend offered me to move in with her to San Antonio but I have never lived with anyone and afraid I have a dog that is ate he’d to my daughter and many are not dog lovers I feel trapped I’ve slept in my car because I couldn’t in the house because he harasses me and the police want make him leave my daughter is with my sister visiting in my home time which is great but I live in hell with this man and I want OUT I drink red wine 7 days a week to help with anxiety really sad

  • Taylor

    I’m currently dealing with a addict and need advice. I don’t have money for a counseler, just need to talk to someone. If I give someone my email, will they please talk to me?

    • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

      Taylor… If you go to my blog (http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com) and contact me using the Contact form in the righthand column (when viewing on a computer), I will email you back.

    • B

      I’m in the same situation …. it’s so hard . Maybe having someone to talk to could help the both of us . My email is babyspiegel@yahoo.com

    • B

      Hi Taylor. you don’t need money to get help. Just go on the internet and look up addiction meetings, depending on your addiction AA for alcohol, NA for narcotics CA for cocaine and so on. The meetings is a start to recovery and you have people around you dealing with the same situation.

    • Kimberly

      Yes Taylor, email me @ abigailkayla@yahoo.com

    • shanell

      hello not sure if you find someone and if you haven’t I can sure as heck be the person email me at strong090512@yahoo.com

  • Fire

    My husband has been using drugs for 30 years. It is so hard for me to detach. But my own health is paying the price of this addiction. How do I say good bye to the I have man loved for 30 years.

  • Fedup

    I am just…. fed up. I dont even know what to think anymore. When I met my husband, he would recount for me how he would NEVER use any substance again. I myself was completely against drug abuse and hated the thought of it completely. Well, I got sick. I was prescribed pain pills. I took them exactly as they were to be taken. Then they were done and I was done and fine. My husband monitored them as well because he himself once suffered an addiction and refused to let that happen to me. All was good in the world. Fast forward a couple years and he ends up having this horrible back pain. They RX him some pain meds, then some more, all the while he takes the perfectly and even LESS than prescribed. Then something else happens. Then another something… I had a baby, then I had a surgery, and then slowly and without realizing it, I became addicted to pain meds. For two years I was in active addiction. I finally sought help out, my husband bashed me for it told me I was weak and needed to buck up, said he did not want to be married to an addict. I am now over two years sober and cant stand the thought of ever taking another pain pill. I refuse them and even after a hospital stay for my condition, willingly refused them. My husband on the other hand, is now in active addiction. He is prescribed 4 oxycontin 20mg tablets a DAY and up until two months ago, would run out a week or so early. I took over monitoring his pills, hiding them, so he couldnt sneak them, but he finds them. Today, I caught him going thru my purse looking for them. When I caught him, he called me names and said I was controlling him and on a power trip. Said that I was LOVING this and LOVING the fact that he cant get to them when he wants them. He already took all four of his pills for the day and I told him no. I told him that he was not getting another one no matter what he said to me or did. So of course he started trying tobe nice asking and saying he was sorry and he just hurts etc. He does need a surgery on his hip but it doesnt stop him from hiking, hunting, riding motorcycles doing whatever he WANTS to do but it comes up when he is outta pills. When he is out of them, he is verbally abusive, calls me names, screams at me, tells me he hates me, threatens divorce, tells me I disgust him, calls ME a drug addict, says that I am only doing this because I had a problem. ETC… typical addictive abusive behavior. We have two kids. I want so badly to leave, but even more I want my husband back. Part of me blames myself, because if I had not allowed myself to succumb to my own weaknesses, then maybe this would have neverhappened, or at the very least he would not be able to say the things he says… but its hard. When he is medicated, he is FINE. He is sweet, nice, happy, loving… but man, when he is not… its not good. I am DREADING him coming home tonight, because if I do NOT give him another pill, he is going to be awful. BUT, then again, I love him so I wont givehim the other pill. I am angry at him. I hate him for doing this to us. For being in this position. i HATE him for making me, a recently sober addict be responsible for this medicine. WHAT A CRAPPY positon he has put me in. How messed up is this… I got sober because I wanted this OUT of my life…. but is this my destiny? Is this how its going to be forever, or will he change? I think I know deep down that the only way out is to leave, but how do you do it? How do you walk away…. and will they use my ADMITTED documented addiction to take my kids? I am now college educated, sober as can be, but his addiction is not documented. Mine is. I am PETRIFIED he will get our kids. I am absolutely terrified. I dont even know if he loves any of us… and if he does…. he loves the pills more….. help

    • Leah

      I am I. The same situation. A previous addict with three kids and husband who is addicted to perc 30s. I recently moved up to Minnesota to be with NY family and he is i. Ohio where his family is. I cane up here to get away fro. The toxic relationship and to give my children the stability they need. We bounced from hotel to hotel lived with friends and family and I just couksnt do it anymore. He has never tried going to treatment and now he says he wants to come up here. I don’t know what to do. Should I let him come and hope that he will stay clean BC its a new environment and he will be away from all the people he could buy from? Or do i tell him no that he needs to go to treatment first and stay clean on his own for awhile? It teats me up BC I do t want to keep my children from him but I also am terrified that the drug and verbal and physical abuse will continue and they don’t need to be a part of that . I need advice. What do I do!?!?

      • Fedup

        imho if you have already made the step to get out…. do NOT backslide… do not let him back in until you are CERTAIN he is clean… and maybe not even then….. I am in the midst of this turmoil…. I just want out but I work for myself and its an unreliable income…. I am focusing on a way to find a way to support myself better and just biding my time. I have decided to leave. Maybe he will get help, maybe not…. but tonight he blamed his addiction on me… said it was my fault and that I was not letting him get off the pills because I was so horrible tobe with…. my son who is three asked him why he was being mean to his mommy and my husband said that he wasnt that mommy was just a bitch….. im done…. i dont deserve this and im out.

        • Bobbie Fay Hanson Pruett

          Leah, I agree with Fedup! If you got away…stay strong! Don’t let him make you feel GUILTY…that’s just a manipulation. Seek your own happiness, let him seek his. If he gets clean and stays that way for a long period of time…maybe? But I wouldn’t if I had it to do over.

    • Bobbie Fay Hanson Pruett

      Fedup: My husband and I have gone through this same exact situation, over and over. If you stay with him, and he continues to use, I would be very afraid for your sobriety. Especially if you are trying to be the ONLY STRONG ONE. NOW, you feel strong, but with the intense frustration you feel already, just imagine fast forwarding your life by yrs and yrs…you may weaken, like I have in the past and relapse on pills, or use something else just to deal with staying in an unhappy, endlessly frustrating situation. My husband’s moods are now based on if he can get pills and how many. That isn’t life…it’s just misery. After so many years of this stress in my own marriage, I now have a very serious anxiety disorder. Not only that, but my health is now poor also, I’m almost 50 and have almost nothing (due to all our $$ going to drugs), my daughter watched her dad use all her life and now fights a serious addiction herself…the damage done by drugs in the family goes on and on. Don’t waste time blaming yourself, he’s a big boy…Save yourself and your kids.

  • Shamil Moorad

    I know how it feels being abused by a drug addict ,I had a best friend n he was making my life go backwards,I almost lost everything,luckily god saved me from becoming a beggar,God is giving everything that I lost back,he used to threaten me, nearly beat me up and he was paranoid,I kept my distance from him as his mother keeps taking his side and she knows what he does but she’s in denial-keep far away from them!

  • Frustrated

    I am dealing with the same situation myself! I have been with my Husbands for 7 years and known him for 12 years! This has been ongoing for 3 years now he has a pill addiction problem! We lost our home and have had to live with my mother in law -yes his mother!. We have 2 children together we met in High school and had been to hell and back together I left him once before for other issues but we end up back together. I feel like I been in hell for the past few years I feel like and Idiot but We have children together and been with each other for so long. He lost his job an I have been the main provider for the family I have been working for over a year and I myself am struggling with my own heath I have type 1 diabetes..yet I keep up with his. I tell you I am beyond exhausted! I have watched our things be pawned and sold and watched everything fall apart!! I know its damaging our children! I would have left long ago!! I have no one and no where to go! I tried a shelter a few weeks ago and my 10 year old had a nervous break down!. He promises to make it better but then turns back. He did go from a high milligram dose to cutting back and I cut off his suppliers! He has gotten better but I live in fear everyday! I am still left with hurt pain and frustration. I know we deserve better and I feel horrible staying with him. But now hes getting better I am left with so much!! I wonder if he will get worse again? He does love his children and I see that! Its hard to erase from my memories what he did to us! I am torn to keep trying and pull through or walk away? This is an awful situation and my heart goes out to those who are or who have struggled and struggling! No one expects or wants this to happen!

    • Bobbie Fay Hanson Pruett

      Buddy151, I’m almost 50 yrs old, married 25 yrs and been dealing with my husband’s addictions for OVER 17 YEARS!!! Like many, he got addicted to pills after a back surgery and has been going strong ever since. Lots of promises when I feel I can’t deal anymore and am leaving…the longest he’s been clean in these 17 years was for 6 months, after I left him. During that 6 months that he was good, we got back together. HUGE MISTAKE. Note: He has NEVER once said “I need to get clean and I’m serious about it!” The motivation was always mine, especially wanting better for my kids. MY ADVICE, tough love! It will save not only him possibly, but yourself and your kids. If he decides to get clean and stay that way, great! If not, at least you can be happy with the life YOU CHOOSE, instead of living HIS NIGHTMARE. Believe me, things don’t automatically get better by threatening, or whatever. Don’t worry about people passing judgment, if you have anyone that will LISTEN AND HELP YOU, TAKE IT! Walk away, live your life and if he decides to get clean and stay that way, great! I would want him to prove his sobriety over a long period of time. These guys are great manipulators, if they realize it or not. Yes, enough is enough! DON’T WASTE HALF YOUR LIFE LIKE I HAVE, PLEASE! Good luck!!! P.S. the influence on your kids is greater than you might realize, my daughter watched her dad and now has a serious drug problem of her own that she’s fighting, in and out of treatment for 2 yrs. I wish to God I had left when at first he wouldn’t give up the pills! For my daughter’s sake if nothing else.

      • London Grace

        Wow. I was doubting the divorce papers I just sent my sick husband. But you are so right. My husband won’t get better, because I would always take him back because he would get sober for me, which would create the ongoing nightmare of relapse. I’m a nurse and love what I do! But he has been hindering my job and my performance. I need to focus on me and he needs to focus on him and getting sober for HIMSELF. You were deep into your marriage. We are/were only 15 months. My counselor says it’s ok to leave, I’ve given him many opportunities to get clean. Thanks for your post and for my confirmation that what I’m doing is right!

    • Roc Jones

      PLEASE RUN! Especially having diabetes. It is specifically aggravated by stress. You don’t want to start losing your organs and be on dialysis till you DIE. Or losing limbs. No more orbiting around him and his addiction. They take all the attention and energy. Love isn’t a valid factor at this point. Because of the exposure your children have witnessed, God forbid if they make the same choices but who is going to be there to help if they do? YOU. So your whole life will be consumed with running to the rescue and the curse continues. You’ve left before, you must do it again and not wait to see if he changes. Statistically it will only be a matter of time. And you will be full circle again. Please focus on YOUR health and the better life that is coming. You don’t have to believe it, but it is the law of the universe. When you are in a positive space you will attract positive things and people. GOOD LUCK!

  • Buddy151

    I have had the same problem. I am 37 I have been with my husband for 24 yrs. He has been on drugs(crack) for almost all of them. He recently served almost 8 years in prison. I stayed by his side the entire time. Lots of promises ! How ever he has been out for 17 days and has already relapsed 3 times and tonight is one of them. My stuff is getting gone already.we have 4 children together all are grown and own their own ,but one is 13 and has no clue what is going on . I keep it from him to protect him. I feel as if I am loosing my mind. One person can only take so much. I have lived in peace for 7 years and then this!!! I don’t want anyone to know ,because of course everyone will pass judgment. I feel so stupid for believing him all these years. I don’t understand how someone can do that to their family, the ones they love. I keep replaying all the broken promises in my head over and over to the point it makes me sick. Do I do tuff love ? Walk away? Call his parole officer? I’m just lost in all this. I wanted to spend my life with him and now this. I do know I will not live my next years on this earth like I had in the past. Enough is enough.!!!

    • Private

      Praying for you. I related so much to thread and message. I recently got divorced We got married and 9 months into it the reality struck in our short 4 year marriage he was in and out of jail and rehab a total of 12-14 times. I always felt at peace when he was gone and would get major anxiety when he would come back “home” except the last 2 years I was bouncing between relatives homes because I could not get a place being married to him with felonies. this really helped me too http://www.divorcehope.com

      You cannot control him you can only do what’s best for you. My husband’s parents paid $35k on the last rehab he went to and relapsed the week he cam home we didn’t even live together for 1 month before he was arrested again. I prayed and asked God to help me and he was arrested again. I didn’t talk to him again except for 2x. It’s been 9 months since we separated our divorce was finalized and recently found out he was sentenced to 2 year state prison after violating his probation at the state rehab he was in.

      I know the promises all too well! Sometimes “surgery” must be done so either one or both spouses can live.

    • MW31

      I have been in your shoes and I completely get it. I completely understand not wanting anyone to know. People do judge, but people also care! You gather up your support system and leave. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do…but you CAN do it. Every day gets easier. The hardest part is accepting that all of the lies were just that…lies…but you can do it. You can build a life without all of the stress and you’ll realize it was the best decision you could have ever made.

    • Marie

      I’m reading your post and getting scared as if this is what I have to look forward to ?

  • Christin Herrera

    7 years, 2 kids later. They are 4 & 5. All of my goals and dreams are numb. Because I think that is the best way to explain it. Its like you have a blank face. From the emotional abuse. For me, I feel like I have lost myself in this, How can I teach my children who are being molded by this environment to stand up for themselves if I am just surviving. My husband and I own a business together. His addiction is a direct result of his work ethic. His jealousy from his addiction has made me quit. We had a incredible business that I had so much pride for when we started but, the lies and the drugs made it where I REFUSE to put my integrity on the line. I am giving it all to God. My family is 5 hours away. I think I need a support channel, because ironically, he has found something wrong with anyone I have taken to. This is all honest, but i felt compelled to get it out. I just applied for a home in Dallas, I have filed for divorce. I am very close to making this move. Just trying to play cards right for kids and I at stake.

    • MW31

      I commend your choice. I know how hard this is…I’ve been there. You are doing the best thing you could ever do for yourself and your kids. Keep it up.

    • Lisa Tibbitts

      I just found out my fiance, my son’s father, has not stopped using after a serious two years with a heroin addiction, losing his job, a month a Teen challenge away from us I think now he is actually addicted to the attention he gets in recovery. He started using Kratom. At least that is what he says. He didn’t fess up I had to call him out. He started going to meetings and got a sponsor. Our son is five. I am in school. Almost done. I have an important internship this fall. But I am starting to think he is trying to wreck it and everything else good in my life. I am here because I have to think about making the same decision. Warm wishes for you and your family. He may be okay if he gets help but the truth is you may not and your kids may not ever recover if you don’t take steps to ensure you are all okay. Make sure you are okay. Divorce isn’t the only answer but distancing yourself to sort it out it certainly a responsible loving decision.

      • Roc Jones

        Make your decision without doubt. You know better than anyone your situation. Be strong and don’t fall into temptation to pick it back up. He will be okay, or he won’t. It is his choice. But you? For sure you and your children will not. It’s worse because they have seen unhealthy ways to handle life. It will be on you Mommy to ensure that they are not over exposed and feel that it is ok or normal. It is a bottomless pit of pain and destruction. GOOD LUCK.

    • Roc Jones

      Stand your ground. This is way bigger than just a situation between you and him. He may or may not be redeemed it is not your decision, it is iis. But your children is who you are accountable for. You are making the right choice. When you begin to remove all emotional attachment it will become more and more clear. DON’T LOOK BACK. Only forward, without that hindrance. Good Luck.

  • Lisa Tibbitts

    Oh darling, yes! This isn’t about you and it never was. You can’t control how this turns out. You never had that control in the first place. It doesn’t matter what you do. Its on him and honestly, our system, to care for this disease. It’s not on you. You took a chance and it was a long shot. Me too. I did too. Not once but twice. Hopefully he will be okay but you need to stay at a safe distance. You need to be with someone who would make the same sacrifices as you did for you. The oxygen rule applies. You first with addicts. You first, you first, okay? Always hoping and praying for him but keeping yourself safe and sane. Support legislation that allows us to commit them into care centers and not prison. Root for him from a distance. Virtual hugs to you from a stranger who gets it.

    • Glenn Taylor

      The legal medical system “greed” create these situation and promote drug use, get people hooked then leave them on the street. I love it when I read about some Senator or government official acting all high and mighty on their “war on drugs” turn out to be addicted to “legal” pills. Oxycodone is just a safer and more expensive form of Heroin. This is the direct result of doctors over-prescribing medication and then abandoning patients when they start “pill seeking” behavior, hypocritical bastards.

  • Lisa Tibbitts

    This thread is open. He is addicted to the pain killers. Its isn’t either of your faults. Tell his doctor what you see and get some information. Go to a meeting for recovering addicts families so you don’t feel so crazy. Your not crazy. You are experiencing what every person who watches someone they love deteriorate from addiction feels. First call his doctor. Next you.

  • Alice Smith

    Great post! It certainly gives me hope for the future, so thank you. I’m dealing with an alcoholic partner and I’ve decided I need a divorce. Certainly for myself, but perhaps this the push he needs to get sober (hopefully!). I’m curious as to how you were able to divorce amicably? I’m hoping to do the same, but I fear that things will get ugly once I serve the papers. Do you have any advice for keeping the divorce amicable? Thanks! Alice

  • London Grace

    I have been married for 15 months. I am a nurse and have 2 jobs to support my family, (him and his 2 kids from another relationship) which my husband says “that’s what a good wife should do.” My husband is an alcoholic. I love this man. I didn’t understand the disease and have found that I have just been enabling him. He lost his job working Off shore because he refused to take a random drug/alcohol test. He was drunk at the time he went to work. 14 of the months have been lies, jealousy, abuse, chaos. I have lied to family and friends for him. This last incidence was it for me. He verbally, emotionally, mentally abused me that put me into a raging panic attack. The police were called. I went and stayed at a friend’s house. I’m paying all the bills, so he should leave. I said leave by 3pm or I’ll have to make you leave. He refused. So I went and got a domestic violence injunction that was granted by a judge. He was forced to leave. He abided by it for about a week. He then got into drugs and alcohol. He thought it was a good idea to call a coworker 6 times at 2am. Text my mom at 6am. Call 4 other friends at random times. All of this is a violation. So he went to jail. Judge ordered a gps monitor that will alert me via cellphone if he comes near me and random drug/alcohol screens until his court date in Sept. He has no money, so I know his grandparents are fitting the bill for everything.
    He was served the dissolution of marriage papers in jail. I love this man. I just want to make sure I’m doing the right thing by letting his grandparents take over. He is sick. He’s 37. No job. No money. No home. (Bc I live in it). I don’t want him to think I’m abandoning him, but I’ve given him more opportunities than many wife’s would per my counselor. There’s zero communication which is good for me because I know all he’ll do is manipulate me. Just not sure how well he is doing, which hurts my heart.. everyone who has posted their story here knows where I’m coming from. My attorney said I can be involved with his sentencing. I say weekly counseling, tons of AA meetings, and random drug/alcohol tests. If anyone has good ideas please throw them out there! Love is tough! And tough love is given!

  • Andrea Goolsby

    My husband I have been married for 4 yrs and the first six months in we separated for a year…we got back together but for the past year he has been doing drugs and alcohol and it’s gotten to the point where he leaves and don’t return until the following day.. he says nothing just go to the room and cover up.. he’s in denial about his addiction… so I’ve prayed and prayed… I can no longer deal with the disrespectful behavior and addiction so I’ve started packing my things to move out as bad as I hate to I feel like it’s no hope and he is too far gone… we don’t speak or anything… total silence and I can no longer do this… but I feel so bad that I can not help him…

    • Erin Spreher

      I just want to say being on the other side of the disease..I’m a recovering addict…we don’t understand what we have put our significant others through until it’s too late. My soon to be ex husband (not by my choice) decided to ultimately bail on me once I got clean. We were together for 7 years and married 1 and 3 months. He married me knowing I was an addict and tried when I was using to get me clean. I didn’t want it. When he decided to leave in March I was left with the mess I created. And I have taken ownership of my choices and have stated a living amends to him to stay clean. I guess the problem I have is accepting the fact that the man I am so still madly in love with decided to make the choice to cheat on me and continue a relationship with a girl (I say this because she is 13 years younger than he is) while we were separated and even more so telling me that he wasn’t wanting to see anyone else or change the status of our relationship. I get being hurt lonely resentful and downright angry with an addict for what they have done. But why not be honest with me? Or why can’t they see the change in us when we do get clean and keep doing the next right thing? I’m hurting immensely yet I know the only way to deal with this is to deal with it.

  • Fed up

    My fiancé has been in and out of jail for the past 6 years and for the past 3 or 4 has been addicted to heroin.. we have a 7 year old together and we moved in with him in may… he has been on suboxone on and off over the past year…. he had 9 months without heroin use…. he relapsed in july…I caught him in the bathroom needle in hand…. and he recently admitted he used again a week ago after I hounded him about the track marks and he tried to deny it… I don’t know what to do anymore. He begs me not to go that he’s working on it with his addiction councilor but I can’t live this way anymore…. he’s toxic and I should have known 9 years ago.

    • Ky

      For the safety of your child, leave. If he truly is working on it, only time will tell. You will never know if he’s doing it for you or if it’s just words without you taking a stand.

  • Ky

    I relate very well to this story.. It is almost like looking in a mirror as Janet described when watching the documentary. It’s good to hear that I’m not in this boat alone. Other wives have gone through it as well. I have been married to my spouse for 26 years. 3 years ago my husband and I were involved in a motorcycle accident which broke his back. His doctor tried him on hydrocodone, oxycodone, or methadone, and he would find no relief. He would need the “elephant” dose just to find any relief. He then met someone which had told him about a way to make some extra cash under the table. He was told that they needed someone who can sell hash for them. So being that in OR marijuana was legal with prescription he decided ok.
    He had been out of work for a year and before the accident was receiving unemployment to help us with our finances, but when he got hurt the state told him he was no longer employable so therefore they could no longer give him unemployment. We were down to one income. And my income was not very much. I made 12.35/hr and it was hardly enough. Our daughter was in her senior year of high school at the time, so she did what she could to help with finances as well. Bless her heart, and my son when he was able would also try and help us, since he was in the Air Force. We are very blessed to have such great kids.
    My husband would smoke some of this because he felt it was helping his back, but was confused of the smell because though it looked like hash, it smelt totally different. He was using it each time he would get some to distribute to others, but I had no idea this was happening. The guy he was in “business” with had a falling out with my husband, which involved in this person stealing from us. It was then at that time that I was told that the drug he was selling was not hash but actually heroin. He seemed to be dumbfounded by it, but I will never know because my husband was good at lying and covering the truth with me, by this time, and all trust I did have for him, has been broken. He swore he would never have anything ever to do with this person again. It seemed things were getting better, but then he would have other shady characters coming around our home. I could not trust anyone since of what happened to us, so I was always skeptical about them. They even moved in because they needed some place to stay, and they promised paying rent. Well of course those were empty promises. He allowed trash to come into our home and live amongst us, putting the safety of his family at risk. He never even consider that.
    He was very good at hiding his addiction, until his appearance began to change, and he would have outbursts of wrath and picking at his face, and muscle spasms that would last for long periods of time, not to mention his pin-point pupils. DEAD giveaway. But for me because I was still uncertain I didn’t know that’s what heroin did to someone’s pupils. Each time I confronted my husband about him using he would deny it and tell me that he hadn’t used since he told so and so to get lost. But I could never be certain, because I could never catch him in the act with it.
    In May of last year I got a job offer in NM. I packed up and left and he was supposed to come after his disability hearing. Had to get out of there. He did come about a week after his hearing, and he managed to keep himself clean for 8 months. It wasn’t until he had lived in NM for 6 months that he finally admitted his addiction and that he was smoking up to 1 point (.01gm=100mg) of heroin daily, while he still lived in OR and I lived in NM. I decided ok, well remember this is your mistress, it caused you to lie, and spend money we didn’t have on it. He was out until all hours of the night, sometimes wouldn’t return until early mornings, so to me it was like he was having an affair. But it was with a drug instead of someone else. He put his addiction ahead of his family. He chose to allow his habit to become his #1, and I was left on the back burner, so this is why I call it an affair. Anything that comes in place of your spouse is cheating. He may have not been an infidel, but he could be lying about that too, because he had ladies he was palling around with too.
    Well in NM we decided to work things out. We were heading in the right direction. Started returning to church got re-baptized, and it seemed like things were starting to get back to normal. That was in April of this year. Well in May my daughter was graduating from her LPN course. She lives in Portland and we made the plans to fly in and see her graduate. Our plan was to stay a couple of nights with her and then he could stay with his brother and me my sister on Friday night. Then our plan changed because we had an issue with our house, we had planned to stay with his parents. This was the 2nd change in our plans. Which if we followed through with them, it would have been ok. Then the next change in plans came when we were driving to our old hometown, and he decided he wanted to go and spend the night over his buddy’s house, while I stayed at my friend’s house. Now I should have followed my instinct and said, “no” but I followed along, mainly because of my excitement seeing my friend and her sister. I asked him before he dropped me off if his friend did drugs. Knowing my anxieties of this, because of his recent confession. He had said, of course not. He would never do that. So I tried to ignore that anxious feeling and trust him once again. Well needless to say my husband had a relapse. He had been doing very well. But instead of admitting his relapse, he denied it again. This breaking the hearts of me and my children. Happening on a time that was supposed to be for our daughter. But he allowed his mistress back into his life again.
    I did leave. He is in treatment but again, it’s the promises he makes and breaks all the time, although he’s showing an effort, only time will tell. He needs to work on his life, and in the same time I am working on mine. I have put his needs ahead of my own these past 26 years, and followed along with him, and trusted him with my all. My trust is broken, and it’s going to be a long road to recovery. He doesn’t get that, but hopefully he will. Of course I do love him, but the trust is broke, and I cannot put myself in that again. HE doesn’t get that. He begs me to stay, and promises change, but until he does this on his own, I will not be able to believe it until I see it. That’s the problem with loving an addicted spouse. IF they truly love you, they would never jeopardize your love and trust in the first place by allowing their mistresses to come in and destroy everything they have. Family, Love and Dignity.

  • Soconfused

    I have been in long term relationship for 8 years with my boyfriend we live together and have a 6 year old son. I have been dealing with his heroine addiction for about 5 years on and off relapse after relapse. This last time he went to inpatient treatment and we decided to move foward. He was doing really well and went to a doctor to treat his depression and axienty since being on these meds his behavior is making me feel like he is using. He is on vivtrol so he is unable to use heroine or drink. But my gut is screaming something not right. He goes on these long walks and comes back acting hyper. I have asked him several times to leave and he refuses to move out our apartment because he has no where to go. He swears he is not using but he sleeps all day. I feel trapped and I love him but I don’t know how to help him understand I am no longer happy. I can’t remember the last time I was taking on an actual date where I didn’t have to pay. I miss being happy, yet I’m afraid to move on because I love him and just want us to be a normal happy family. Any advice ?

    • KY

      It may take you leaving. I have been in that place too. He would also get up and go somewhere, because he claims he cannot sleep, and come back hyper, and sometimes agitated. You have a 6 year old son you have to protect, and if he refuses to leave, as my husband did, I found a safe place to go, and I’ve been happier for it. Of course you love him. He’s the father of your son, but while he continues in his addictions, you will not be happy. You will find yourself trying to defend him, because you are embarrassed he is putting you through it, or you may find yourself angry because once again he let you down. As I told my husband, your drug addiction is your mistress. He lied, and spent money on it that we didn’t have, just so he could get his fix. That’s the same as cheating on you. So if you truly want to be happy, as hard as it may be you have to be tough, and either kick him out and make him deal with life by himself, or find a safe place where both you and your son.

  • Armando

    I married my partner John of 4 years, knowing what I know about his addiction to alcohol and drugs, I have read all the stories on here (well most of them), and it’s like I am reading my life again and again. He has made leaps and bounds (in his mind). I have pushed and pushed, I have suffered in physical ways that I now feel was my soul manifesting the stress I was under to my body. I couldn’t work for almost 2 years and we just went from house to house, never anything stable. John is 38 and I could never, ever count on him to stay on track with his job or with his finances. I got him to get his own bank account, I would help him with his balance, I hardly had anything myself but there I was supporting and enabling. After reading what Janet went through, I thought to myself on this Labor Day weekend (another holiday we cannot enjoy), that I need to giove myself permission to leave John. I always wanted to marry, I always thought I worked this hard in my life to achieve the right to marry and I finally do, and it’s like “this”? Well NO, it doesn’t have to be. The cycle needs to stop and it needs to stop with me. I could fill up this page (like all of you), with hororr stories and nightmares that I have been through with John on alcohol, or meth or pills… but I already know what I need to do. Man, this is really gonna hurt. But my marriage has lasted less than a year and I think if I am going to have the “good” and “amazing” life I know I can haver, I have to finally make the decision to leave my husband. I am sitting, for years now, stagnmant, and I have finally gotten pysically stronger, I am working again and I need this strength. I am so happy I ran across this site! I NEEDED to read it.

  • tryinghere

    I fell in love really quick with my boyfriend of the past seven months. I could tell immediately that he had basically no boundaries and seemed to be all of a sudden just IN MY LIFE. At the same time, we stayed up all night talking and kissing and telling stories to each other and laughing together that it was like I had finally found love. We really connected and I stand by our connection. As time went on we settled into a life. We cooked together and held each other and talked. Walked to the grocery store together. I love him. I’m 29. Things just came to a head and I learned last week that he’s been using for the past 3 or 4 months of our short relationship (which of course doesn’t feel short to me). He got to a 30 day rehab program (his 3rd time) when I gave him the boundary that I wouldn’t be in his life anymore if he didn’t go. So that’s good. But at the same time, even when he was sober it was really chaotic being with him. Of course it got much worse for the past few months, but it would be hard to get ahold of him, his phone would die, he would take hours running an errand that should have taken less than an hour. I think even if he wasn’t using (which maybe he just was the whole time) he doesn’t have the life skills to be the responsible partner I need. It was a real wake-up call dealing with friends–both his and mine–in helping him get to treatment and in helping support me in my feelings during the days after. “I’ll call you to talk at 7pm tonight.” / “I’ll be over in 10 minutes and we’ll talk to him together.” These are things I could have never counted on my partner to do. So much of my time has been absorbed in waiting for him. Even tonight I talked to his counselor at rehab and asked if he could call me back today. She said sure, but he hasn’t. I waited for three hours. I don’t know if he does it on purpose but it is very manipulative. I miss being in love and want to be. I am afraid I will never be in love, and will never get to have the sweet little family (even if he’s just me and a man and my kitty) that I want. It was so nice how my partner wanted to be with me all the time and we formed a little life together. I am afraid I will never get to have that and I feel so sad that other people do. At the same time the light has started to shine in my life since being apart from him. I won a grant to do a cool project for work, and I have been connecting with all of my wonderful friends, and I went to a nar-anon meeting with a friend of my partner’s and we had a nice time. I am going on a trip this weekend with friends. I have been spending more time with my roommates and enjoying their company. I am doing art. I know that I will be OK and that if I believe I deserve love and put up with less unfair behavior my life can be beautiful. It’s at least worth a shot.

  • Ky

    This is something I have been saying all along to my husband. He cheated on me, by using and allowing heroin to be his mistress. He took money from our account that we needed for daily living, so he could spend it on his habit. He would be out all hours of the day and night. And leave me by myself at home ALL of the time. He displayed erratic behavior. And finally I had for my own sanity, had to leave. Best decision I’ve made. Of course I love the man, but I need to love me too, and allowing him to take advantage of our relationship in that way, only made me drown in sorrow and misery.

  • Emily Simms

    I’ve been with my husband for nearly 6 years. We’re both addicts. I grew up different than he did. Drugs, aside from my sister and brother being young adolescents interested in marijuana, were not a familiar thing in my familys home growing up. My husbands childhood/youth was a lot more grimm and dark. With his father an addict and dealer, and the physical and emotional abuse he went through, I can see how he turned to drugs so easily. Its how we met as well. We both had the same drug of choice. After being broke, stranded and a mess, we started to get ‘better’. We got an apartment, with my mother’s help and blessing. We of course still had our addiction problems. I put mine onto a ‘recovery medication’, which in the end is just another problem. He always had a problem with nerve pills, a BAD problem. We got a house, again thanks to my mother. Had two beautiful little girls. Some people think children will change an addict, they’re wrong. Its worse now, than ever. I’ve never been in trouble in my life, and I’m looking at felony charges now. All because my husband got to messed up (it’s a long story). I don’t want to leave, because I dont want to tear my family apart. Though daily, leaving, is looking like the best option and like rainbows and kittens compared to the hell I’m in now. It’s a constant fight and struggle every day. He thinks its me fighting for power and control of our relationship, I say its me screaming begging for him to stop before its to late. I just don’t know what to do. Stay or go?

    • tryinghere

      One thing my therapist taught me is to sit quietly by yourself and try to become still and present. Then imagine each scenario–yourself staying and then yourself going. Maybe imagine the conversation with your partner. Telling him first, “I want this to work out and I will stay with you” and then, “I am leaving.” Notice how your body feels with each imagined scenario. Good luck to you. <3

  • tryinghere

    Thanks for saying this KY. I never post on message boards or anything but this is a special occasion. I appreciate the support and agree that if I do the work to love myself and not put up with unstable / inappropriate behavior then I will attract a good match back to me. I hope the same for you. Thanks agian

  • tryinghere

    Yah I just need to vent a little more and put it out there. A friend of my partner’s challenged me recently, “When you first met him did you find that his past as a heroin addict was intriguing?” The answer was yes. I fell for him for a multitude of reasons, most being his sweetness and his playfulness and the ways we could communicate and how he cared for me, and how we connected emotionally and physically, etc. And yes, I also liked hearing exciting stories about his addict past.

    I wanted him to make more money though, not be broke all the time, not lose his phone and be impossible to get ahold of, be more responsible. My partner wanted to be that way too but he doesn’t have the skills right now. The friend challenged me again, “What did you expect? You were dating an addict.” I tend to be too hard on myself but this hit me in a way that I know it is at least partially true. The friend said, “He’s a real person. Not an anecdote to tell at a dinner party someday or a way to gain some ‘wisdom’ and then move along on your life. He is a real person.” Basically what I’m hearing from his friends is–if I really loved my partner I would stay. I’m also hearing that, even though it’s easy to point out the ways in which my partner used me, in a way I used him too.

    It is messed up to turn the mirror on myself and look at things this way but there is an element of truth that can’t be ignored. I thought it was cool that he used to be a heroin addict. I thought it gave me some cred, that I was with him. I also simply never imagined him relapsing, and when it happened I was immediately freaked out and ready to leave. It wasn’t even a question. He lied, etc. It’s so dangerous. Just too deep of waters, right? No way. I’m 29 and don’t need to mess with that. So like, if I was dating an addict who was super scattered and not attending meetings and not doing anything to work on his sobriety, yeah…what did I expect? The truth is I wasn’t really thinking about it. I mean my partner told me he had no desire to use again and I believed him. It turned out he was lying. Yeah, I was naive and gullible and pretty Pollyanna-ish. But what else? He loved me. He was very devoted to me. He thought we were in something real, while I was talking to my sister and my friends behind his back about how broke he was, how scattered, and asking them for advice on how long I should wait to see if he pulled his sh*t together before I walked away. (I WASN’T gossiping, by the way, just seeking outside opinions on whether I was being realistic by being with this guy).

    I think if I look at that truth from my partner’s friend’s point of view, it means I’m a shallow stupid girl who used somebody to get a taste of the underworld to satisfy my curiosity and desire for excitement before moving on and finding a sweet, safe guy to actually give myself to. I think that’s partially true, as much as it disgusts me to admit it. I also think I was simply being reasonably cautious given the traits I saw in my partner. We were only together 7 months and it’s valid to keep one foot on the ground, isn’t it? I’ve been hurt before and didn’t want to throw myself into something completely until he’d proven to me he could like, do work to advance his life and become healthy. If I didn’t care about him deeply I would have simply moved on. I wouldn’t have gotten him into rehab and driven him there. I wouldn’t be posting this now. I wouldn’t be going to Nar-Anon meetings. I wouldn’t be crying over the idea of losing him and journaling about all our good times together.

    I believe people come into our lives to teach us things. I think this one came into my life to teach me a lot and some of it has to do with some not quite so flattering qualities of my own. I am too aware now to brush this off as “he’s an addict and I just got caught in his twisted world.” The victim role is BS. I am responsible for putting myself in this situation. I knew he wasn’t boyfriend material, yet I stayed with him and made him think that I thought he was. Well, that and I lied to myself. I did believe that he could pull it together and we could be a responsible, happy, healthy couple if we worked together. I fell for him and wanted things to be good! Some recovering addicts who are friends of mine are very responsible and stable now, even though when they used to be big messes.

  • Sheila

    I knew that my husband was an alcoholic and former(supposedly) addict. We got married 6 months later. Third marriage for both of us. I didn’t know for 3 weeks into our relationship that he lost his license for 10’yrs. He’s a smart man(electrical engineer), and has a good job. He drinks vodka every night til we go to bed. Sometimes stays up later and switches to bourbon. Every few weeks he gets something…not sure what is is, and he acts weird…hyper, sweating, scratching…I’ve left him twice before. He makes promises, begging me to come back. I’ve tried to get him to go to counseling, but he won’t. I’m tired…I had knee surgery 2 weeks ago and I found that he took 7 of my Vicatin. I confronted him. He said that I wasn’t going to use them….true…I wasn’t in pain…if I give him an ultimatum, I really don’t know how he’ll react…any suggestions?

    • Ky

      It’s never an easy choice. The hyperness, sweating, and scratching is probably due to withdrawals. But though you love your husband, he needs some help, and if he is not willing to get help, he will bring you down. It was not until I was serious and said I am divorcing him, that he checked in to a progressive outpatient program, which just graduated with flying colors, but still does not admit he is an addict. If my husband cannot come to terms with him being an addict then he and I will keep falling into the same trap. And it only hurts you in the end. To love yourself, you have to make the hard decision. And the best thought I have read on here, was when “tryinghere” stated something from her therapist, “Then imagine each scenario–yourself staying and then yourself going. Maybe imagine the conversation with your partner. Telling him first, “I want this to work out and I will stay with you” and then, “I am leaving.” Notice how your body feels with each imagined scenario.” You need to love yourself Sheila first, and it doesn’t mean being selfish it is tough love. Plus he needs to prove to you that he can make it without you, being sober. My husband currently is fighting me on the fact that he is an addict even after going through his treatment. He may be clean now, but what about when he goes further down the line in his life, and decides to fall back into his coping with drugs or alcohol. Until he can face that then I don’t have much more to say to him, and I have found, that my body is more relaxed the less I talk to him, or am around him, and though I love him, I am not willing to put myself through it again.

      • Sheila

        Thank you, Ky. I do know that I need to make a decision…

  • Kelly

    I have been separated from my husband since June. He was addicted to heroin/ pain pills/ benzodiazepines/ methamphetamines. It was the darkest time in my life being with him. It was the most toxic and lonely telationship. So much abuse and neglect and the entire time, I enabled his addiction. All the lies and manipulation… I never really knew him. He lied to me about his past, his present and of course his promises for the future are lies. He never loved me. He loved the drugs. Three rounds of marital counseling which he nodded off in most the time and two of those counselors recommended divorce! Two treatment attempts, one of which lasted over a year but he sweet talked his counselor into helping him cheat his drug screens. Overdoses/ DUIs/ gambling/ pornography and joining local hook up websites…. No intimacy between husband and wife. It’s over now but it’s not really over because the memories linger, the dreams come every night. The depression is still there and another divorced, bitter, broken woman is trying to pick up the pieces after total destruction and chaos stole her life. I hate what he has done. I hate that I never knew him. I hate that I knew him so well. think I need some therapy.

    • Annon

      They cant control themselves and will lie lie and lie some more! Well done – it takes guts to leave.
      Hard now – but you will be relieved in 2 years time.

    • KKJ

      Kelly, I understand what you are going through. The addiction is what I called my husband’s mistress. He chose to put it ahead of us every time. Frustrating trying to get him to recognize he has a problem, until I told him I am divorcing him. Once I took the steps to move forward he decided it was time to move in a different direction. Seek help. Which he did. But at this time, I told him whether he sought help or not it needs to be for him, not for me. The trust had been broken at this time, and I just could no longer seeing myself go through it again. If he is true to his word he can face his addiction and admit that he is an addict. But my husband was always good at pulling the wool over the eyes of those around him. Including myself, because I too was the enabler. I enabled him in his addiction by ignoring others when they told me he was using, not believing them, and instead believed the lies he was telling me because I could not face that my husband could ever lie to someone he loved. I was supposed to be the love of his life, but it turns out with an addict they have only one love, and that is their drugs. His was heroin and meth. Needless to say that the treatment was only for show. He went and PASSED WITH FLYING COLORS he tells us, but then a week later is drinking again. And this is where it all begins again. The vicious circle. Going round and round. And I jumped off this merry go round of uncertainty, and pain.. I feel free, and I know the hate you speak of. Go seek out therapy. It will help. But remember the hate is how he allowed himself to become entrapped by the snare of his addiction. Until he wants to jump off that merry go round, then he will never truly recover. IT has to be a change he truly wants. Not for you, or anyone else, but only for himself. Forgive and let go. I know I am working this out for myself. Forgiveness is a daily process for me. But I know that when you let go, you free yourself of the bitterness and you just tell yourself YOU ARE NO LONGER RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENS TO HIM… Once I started realizing that, I felt much freer. SO from this point on, whatever happens to him is because of the choices he made, and I choose not to be a part of it. So hang in there Kelly, one day at a time. It does get better. Seek out al-anon, for the family members of the ones who deal with their addicted loved ones.

      • Michelle

        KKJ – Any suggestions for me? I have been married over 20 years to an addict and at this point, I have all the assets in the marriage (my retirement savings) and he has all the charge card debt. I live in a 50/50 marital property law State. If I divorce him? I literally have to hand over HALF of my retirement savings to walk away from him. That leaves ME and MY future in a compromised financial position but puts more money in HIS pockets than he’s EVER had before! (Of course he’d piss it all away eventually. No self-control with money.) Doesn’t seem right/fair he should be rewarded for being a self-entitled, financially irresponsible addict while I cut my future financial security (retirement savings) in HALF. I’m not young enough anymore to save that kind of money again. So, I have to make myself poor, giving away half of what I worked DECADES to save up, in order to break free from an addict who only promises to continue his addiction, get sick and rack up medical bills, etc. I tried to create financial security for my later years in life, now he gets to cut it in half if I divorce him?! (Not to mention what divorce lawyers cost…$250-$275/an HOUR?!) Seems so unfair. Don’t know what to do. But I will agree that addicts are simply out for themselves, looking to support their #1 priority – their addiction. Everybody else is just a stepping stone or a stone to be kicked out of the way. But here I am – between a rock and a hard place – I’m screwed if I stay with him and screwed if I divorce him.

        • KytieKay

          For me, Michelle, the I had just had to walk away. Knowing in my heart it could cost me a lot financially. Because yes, lawyers cost a lot. I don’t have much. But if I had to pay for years to get out of this marriage I would do it. I am more at peace with myself, and letting go is a priceless feeling. I have been married to my husband for 26 years, and have succumbed to his lies and manipulation that just walking away from him has been much more relieving. I don’t know if you can seek out grounds for abandonment. You can separate yourself, if divorce is not an option, but I would seek out legal advice to see if you can keep your retirement because of his continuous drug use. It’s so tough loving an addict. They suck the life out of you causing you so much anxiety and pain. With me I finally had to learn to love myself more. Because I had loved him more than myself. Taking his back biting, and harsh words for years.. And because I love my kids more than anything in this world, they way he treated OUR daughter was the last straw. I had said, enough is enough, and you’re on your own. I no longer want to be in your life anymore. So the steps to breaking free are difficult, but once you do you may feel more freer from it. It’s never an easy task to take the first step, but if you truly want him to get help for himself he may have to loose everything before he realizes he had it all and he allowed himself to get caught up in his addiction. So many prayers for your strength to do what needs to be done for your own peace of mind and sanity.

    • Esther

      You are my twin story right now…I fled with my 2 children but he still tries to manipulate the kids to control me even though he is shscked up with a woman and lies about even that…Hang in there like me …Pain and the memories longer with me everyday cause of my young children… my first Alanon meeting this morning..

  • Jimmy Chamberlain

    so u abandon you husband if u loved him why not stay to see how rehab worked or did he go to rehab before

    • ky

      It didn’t stick.. He finished his treatment on 08/29/16 and then he was back to drinking again, and when he begins drinking the drugs come next. It’s the way his pattern is. He’s irrational an unpredictable so instead of sticking around to see if it works, I left for fear of my own safety. Until my husband can admit to being an addict and getting the help for himself, this pattern will keep looping around, like a broken record. If he could go a year and year and another year after that, then he’s on the right track. But he’s still in denial.

    • Roc Jones

      Abandoned? Have “you” ever been through this before? How many sleepless nights have you gone through? How much money have you lost, and had to go without because the addiction eats up almost everything? How many lies have been told directly to your face? How many times have your promises, hopes, and dreams been broken? How many times have you looked at your loved one and said “sometimes, I don’t even recognize you?” The abandonment is the other way around As long as the abuser can get to use how they want everything is fine to them. They could never see the pain of the other person because it is not being done to them. What if they have this battle for the rest of their lives? If we”re not using, having the fun, feeling the rush and always having someone there to bail you out, then why should we suffer so greatly and for how long? Til someone gets hurt, or is in the psych ward and are now nothing but a shell of what they used to be? Only God is equipped to handle such. We are but mere humans with little power against another man’s “free will”.Drug addiction is an illness; but it is also a very selfish illness. There is some sort of gratification for the user, but none for their loved ones. Just destruction and shame. That is too unfair my friend. We only have one life to enjoy. Where is the joy in playing babsitter for a self destructive adult? Who is looking out and caring for us? That is too much to ask for. It just is…

      • Esther

        My life story as I have fled with my 2 children to another state to end my husband heroin cocaine relapse…he lies constantly and is shacking up with a woman in a secret apartment but uses our kids to control me as a back up plan when this new man cave and I’m doing me lifestyle comes crashing down…I love him but feel tired, ashamed, weak, guilty,of his addiction and abusive behavior… help me stay strong to leave him alone and start a new life with my 2 children without him…he did.

        • Roc Jones

          God is with you Ester, and little by little the healing has already begun. I am so sorry it had to go this way for you but you survived! Now your life begins instead of hanging in limbo orbiting someone else’s choices. The shacking up is a personal low blow, I know it is, but better for you to see it from this side than to be right there in it and being lied to and used. I’ so glad you still have enough love left for yourself and children. It Will Get Better. Just don’t look back, and if you do TAKE NO ACTION. Luv you Hun and good luck.

      • KK

        Very well said Roc. I agree. I felt abandoned, and broken by husband who turned to getting high to cope with his pain. I was not physically abused, but I was mentally abused. during his withdraws. I would constantly ask him if he was using and was constantly lied to. He would turn to a fit of rage and out of the blue just tell me he hates me and I am a terrible person. I was beside myself with grief. He went for help, only to finish treatment and wind back down at the liquor store again. If he turns to drinking again, it’s only a matter of time drugs find their way back into his life. I can no longer stand by and watch my husband fall further into the trap of addiction and drag me down with him. So he may feel abandoned, but he fails to see the abandonment he caused when he left for hours at a time just to get his fix. So your point was very well made. It’s not that I don’t care about him, or love him, I am just tired of going through the worry of finding him dead from an overdose or lost all because he can’t give up his addiction.

        • Roc Jones

          Oh KK, Your story is so close to me that it hurts. Please be encouraged to keep moving forward. You made the absolute right and best choice. Yes, never stop caring because that makes you the loving and wonderful human being that you are. But just stay out of the way. He is like a typhoon coming through your area. Thank God you survived it. So much love being sent your way. You have fought long enough and now you have other priorities that need just as much attention if not more. I’m so proud of your courage and strength. God bless you my sis…

  • meganenders

    I am starting this process with my cocaine addicted husband. Except he hid it so well and when confronted denial and threats of divorce. I backed off but after finding more proof I made an appt with a divorce lawyer. I am going to Al Anon tonight. I still hope he wakes up and cleans up for himself and his kids and our family but The future is unknown and I can’t do this anymore. It’s tearing me up.

  • Annon

    Well I am starting to believe the saying – once an addict, always an addict. I have been with my husband for 16 years. He is fantastic and loved and we have a ‘perfect marriage’ to the outside world.
    I’ll spare you the details, but cocaine is his tonic. 5 relapses, 2 programs and I am still going. We have now moved country – great as there are no dealers around the corner.
    Now here I sit… he is seeing a doctor and has been prescribed Ritalin. He is using too much of it and snorting it – and once again lying to me.
    My escape plan will take a year as we are broke from drug debt (may I add we are both degreed with good jobs). But I am a step ahead this time! He does not know that I know what he is up to and I am not fighting it anymore. I have disconnected.
    He must do what he wants to do… I cant control him. I can control my future though.
    BTW I asked him for a divorce and got told I would be ‘F&^^&ing up his life’ :). So my advice to those people without kids that have new relationships – GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!

  • Mary

    Wow…I read all of these stories and see bits and pieces of my life. My husband and I have been married 3 years…together technically 6 years and have a child from when we were together when we were younger. I have stayed by him through so many things and believed when we got married it would be forever…he was my soulmate. But years later, promises broken, a complete loss of any kind of intimacy at all and the fear of being broke all prompted me to tell him I can’t do it anymore and at the end of the lease I am moving without him. I make 90K and we live like I make 30K…and though that isn’t the only issue, that one is really hard for me especially given how much stress I live through daily behind work. It’s hard because he doesn’t have anywhere to go and I have felt trapped by that one fact but I can’t stay any more. I have really struggled with the decision because I took a vow that included “in sickness and in health” but I am literally torn up on the inside due to everything we’very been through. I want him to be safe and cared for but it’s not healthy for me to be this unhappy daily. We do have fun at times and get along most of the time but his mood switches without warning, he seems to be in a negative space most times unless he’s Uber high and honestly, I no longer feel like a wife; but rather, a benefactor.
    I pray for the strength to see these next 2 months through but it’s very hard to live with who you felt was your best friend knowing you won’t be together any more in just 60 days. Especially when even you seem to be sick because you actually do want to stay married. My first order of business will definitely be therapy. Even as I write this today after waking up this morning to find him asleep (nodding) standing up and bent over, I wish with everything I could save my marriage and have the guy I fell in love with return to me.

  • KK

    So after being told that the drugs, alcohol, and gambling are all no longer, just one week prior to telling me this, he shows up at the same outdoor venue, with another woman, and drinking again. I paid no mind to this, because this was a place for fun, not to make a scene. Before the event was over he did end up approaching me, and pushing me. So now that I was told he was completely changed, and passed his rehab with flying colors, I find myself back in the same pattern. He not getting his way, and reacting in a way where is dangerous. This caused me to continue ahead as planned and then get a restraining order. If my husband could not take a year to try and rebuild himself, but fall back into his old habit of drinking and partying it’s only a matter of time before he turns back to his drug of choice again.. Heroin… This is what I asked of him in the first place. To take time to better himself. He continued to tell me that that’s what he is doing, but when you finish treatment and then wind up drinking again, and then lying to me about it, then I feel I am doing the right thing with proceeding to divorce. Hopefully he will face his addiction, instead of lying to himself.

  • Dee

    I’m from Europe, my husband is Finnish. We moved in Finland almost 3 years ago. After moving, I soon discovered my husband ‘s past life on drugs. He was living for 2 years in my home country but he assured me that his past of using drugs ended. After we moved to Finland, I was trying to adapt to a new culture and system, he was using all kinds of pills and drugs. I had a shock, I was denying wat he was doing. I was one year in language school, I had a few burnouts, it was more and more difficult to cope with his behavior and real life. After 2years he got into the tratement, but sometimes he feels to switch his brain off with some pills that make him a different person and he is talking and doing lots of nonsense. I have social anxiety, I am on benefits for the last 9 months, and I am very frustrated. My anxiety level went so high, I’m afraid of people, and it’s hard to do daily tasks, so I am kind of dependent of my husband. I feel mostly sad, worried about future and I’m still looking for a purpose in my life. I’m 30 years old and I not proud to say that I’m dependent on a husband who has no motivation for the future , and I am so lost in space. Living in my home country is not an option anymore, society is too critical and non supportive there. I also know that tolerating this situation is no good either, I only do it because of my social anxiety, which doesn’t let me have a normal life. I was attending some therapy session, but it was not enough, and I have no friends in this new country. I would need somebody to talk to and share my experience, to feel that I am not alone in this.

    • Marcia Frost

      Oh dear, I feel for you… sounds like you really need a support network to help you through this! Would moving back to where you’re originally from be an option financially? do you have family or a close friend back home who you can talk to and ask for help, a place to stay till you can figure things out? I just left my husband 2 days ago, am staying with amazing friends (don’t really have any family) 4 hrs away and it’s gonna be better (lots and lots of tears for awhile still but that’s ok). I have to apply for social assistance so I can have SOME income but will look for work soon too. It’s so much harder for those struggling with mental illness too. I deal with depression and social anxiety (therapy and medication really helped me and just lots and lots of practice talking to people). I too often relied on my husband because he’s so outgoing and chatty and he helped me promote myself (I’m an artist who can’t bare to talk to people haha). We were a good team when he wasn’t using but after awhile you start to realize tht the bad times are out weighing the good and the benefits of having that person play an active role in your life aren’t as great at they used to be. His using nearly bankrupted me, he ran up credit cards and stole from me and I have a massive debt to dig out of now. I still love him very much but I cannot be with someone who’s incapable of giving me what I give him. I knew that if anything should ever happen, if I was to ever get sick with cancer or something, that he would not be able to be there for me, I’d have to go through something like that alone. That’s when I realized, time to go :( So we’ll see how I do, is still really hard, I miss having him around (we were best friends, talked about anything and everything, even all of this stuff) but I don’t miss the him that was messed up and unable to be a friend or lover. He’s still a good man, but he’s a very sick man and someone with that illness can be dangerous even if not physically, there are other kinds of abuse and those should not be tolerated either. If I was completely alone tho, I bet I’d still be there with him, because it wld be easier and had become comfortable eh, and because he did help me with things and wasn’t stealing from me all the time, sometimes he would contribute.,. sigh, dealing with addiction is SO hard! I think those of us who are with addicts are soft hearted people who see the good in others (which is a good thing, a great quality). But we HAVE to make sure that we ourselves are being taken care of….. remember that you are a wonderful person, a good partner, and have a lot to offer someone and if your husband won’t be the man you deserve then a break may be in order. But, you need somewhere to go and it may not be very comfortable for you but it’ll be the lesser of two evils as they say…. either remain with someone who can’t be there for you properly and will undoubtedly let you down over and over or be uncomfortable and leave (at least for a bit) to clear your head and decide what YOU want out of this life. Just remember YOU are worth it! You deserve so much, especially a partner who sees that and will do everything in his power to get better so you can have a good life…. if not, you can have a good life all on your own. It’ll be tough for awhile but things get better. And if you have someone you can ask for help, a place to stay, money for a plane or bus ticket, help finding a doctor or therapist, support group perhaps…. Is there anyone you can think of who wants the best for you and cares what happens to you?

      • Dee

        Well, I don’t know anyone in Finland. In my country I don’t have friends anymore, my family, mom and grandma don’t know how is my life with my addict husband. I pretend that everything is ok , and cover him up. When is under the influence of pills, my husband is telling me that without him I can’t manage with life, that I can’t do anything by myself and if we divorce there won’t be any options for me to stay in Finland on my own because I am living on benefits and here there is lot of birocracy and strict laws. So I am scared because I don’t want to go back to my country, financially its worse. I feel trapped in my own life and loneliness, it’s hard to pull myself out from this toxic marriage, I still love him and hope that he will get better. We are also like best friends when he is sober, talking about everything, but after he takes those pills, he seems to forget all and not care.
        . I am reading about people who are in similar situation, but where you are trying to have a life in a new country where your addict husband is dealing with all the bills and family money, you feel incapable of dealing your own life.

  • Roc Jones

    Olga, the courage needed “is” right there with you. And all of us are right here with you. We are your friends. If your family is tired of hearing your same story, then change your story. You can do it Olga. If you don’t have enough concern for you, think of your children. This may have long term damage to them that you won’t see til it is too late. Think of how just being around him, they are subconsciously picking up the same behavior and pattern. They are learning that the way to cope with the stresses of life is by abusing things. It can be drugs, alcohol, food, sex or whatever they choose; but it will not be healthy. Don’t let it pass on to the next generation. Imagine if you survive this only to go through it with your children or grandchildren. I know it is hard and reality is that you DO NOT have the strength. It is time now to connect to your higher power. I am not pushing religion on you but you need supernatural healing and strength. God will heal you fully and make you stronger than you ever believed. Ask Him to take over and do not stop until you get results. He WILL guide you. I have confidence in you Olga, you can do this. Reach out to me anytime for support. Together we can make some changes. God Bless You…

  • Lucia

    I’ve never been through an addicted partner before only the difficult usually lazy ones but reading all these commitments and keeping an open mind women like you make it so clear for others with or without an addicted partner that our lives are way to valuable to continuously put our time in relationships with partners who never or don’t want to do their part in making life alone slightly stress free. it’s amazing to read an meet different people for the simple reason we all learn from each many things an one of the things I’ve learnt from reading this is that I should have a purpose for my life and continuously remember yes I have responsibilities but I shouldn’t lose myself in the mix an take time to reflect and value myself as a person rather than just a provider.

    Women such as yourself should be truly proud of yourselves because you did the best you possibly could to support your partner regardless to the pain it cause by living its amazing.

  • Sarah

    i have been with my husband for 7 years and have one child together. I didn’t find out about his addition until I was pregnant and he was living with me and my kids. We separated after our daughter was born. She was only 6 months our relationship became a nightmare and violent. He was stealing from me and forging checks. We were 2 months behind on bills. The only bills I was able to pay was the house and car. After 8 months of running around using and staying with different people he decided to get help. He was able to stop using for 3 years. But, I found out he started about three months ago. He has been using meth for the past 3 months. And continues to tell me he will stop. I’m not sure what to think. I want to be there but it is a nightmare. We fight almost daily and have asked him to leave multiple times. Then forgive him because I care and love him. We have been going to counseling for two weeks and he will start a addiction program in a month. But, I can’t handle living like this anymore. I really don’t know what to do anymore?

  • Kay

    As I set here and read these stories I am in tears. I have lived the same life as most of you have and I am so lost! My husband is an opiate addict along with nerve pills. He just recently took a job in Florida with a power company and we decided to take the whole family for a vacation before they went back to school. While we were there he said he was going to get pizza for us all while we were all out by the pool. When he came back he said he met a guy that was going to sell him some pain pills! I was in shock because I cant understand how you go out to buy food and come back with a drug dealer number. I told him I didn’t want him messing with that mess because not only was he there to start a new job but we were there on a FAMILY vacation. Well we all at dinner and he said he needed to run to the store to get cigarettes and I thought ok it will be fine he has 20.00 on him he can’t get nothing much because he didn’t have any money. Boy was I wrong, he came back and called me said he was changing into swim trunks he would be right down. 20 minutes passed and I got a little curious so I went to our room only to find him unconscious and blue. My kids called 911 and I started digging in pockets and cigarette packs (because that where he would hide his pills) I found a clear capsule with brown powder in it. Come to find out it was fentanyl laced with heroin. He had never done anything like that before. I was questioned by the police like I was the addict and a liar. I was so embarrassed. He came through it by the grace of god and I thought for sure that would open his eyes but I was wrong. He is worse than before. I had back surgery 1 month ago today and it has been hell. He feels like I should be giving him my medication for pain and because I don’t I get cussed out and put down to try and guilt me into giving up my medication and because I don’t he goes out and spends all our money on pills and gets high and has lost his job once again. I have pawned, sold, and gotten stuff repo because his addiction. My kids has had to do without due to his addiction. He went got help a year ago and now he is worse than before. He is wanting me to pawn my camera and computer because we need to pay bills and we don’t have it because he spent all our bill money on drugs. Its a never ending cycle. I have been with him 8 years and I can’t continue living like this. I’m scared my kids are going to turn out like this if I don’t change it now. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone else and don’t want to leave him but I cant take this life of mental and verbal abuse. It doesn’t matter if he is withdrawing or is high either way I get the verbal abuse because the nerve pills make him mean. He has never physically abused me but the verbal abuse is awful. My family has told me to leave him but I just can’t leave til I have a job that I can pay all my bills. Its a never ending cycle with him and I’m tired of not having anything in life because of this addiction. He is a lineman and makes around 100,000.00 a year and we have absolutely nothing to show for it. I’m so tired of being lonely also, we have no intimacy we sleep in different rooms there is really nothing left of this relationship!

    • Michelle

      Addicts are manipulators. They’ll mentally abuse and mess with anybody they have to to get what they want and feed their addiction. They’re not about you or their kids, they’re about themselves and feeding their addiction. Leave him, start a new life! There is life after a relationship with an addict! Just break free. Work on your own self-confidence and esteem, do things that make YOU feel good about life. Let go of the one you can’t control. Focus on YOU.

  • Eli

    I’m reading all this stories and I’ve realized that I’ve been in denial about how bad his addiction is. I’ve been with my husband for 6 years and when I met him he was already an alcoholic. We have a 3 year old and I’m currently 9 months pregnant. I’ve always dealt with his alcoholism but about 5 months ago I found out he was doing cocaine also. He stopped sleeping for days and he lost a lot of weight. He started getting in trouble with the law. He tried running over a police with his car, he’s hit cars and fled the scene so now he has all this courts. I found out he has a mistress who is expecting a baby but he doesn’t know if it’s his baby because she sleeps around at work. He wasted all of our savings and we live from paycheck to paycheck because he maxed out our credit cards. He even stole money from my daughters piggy bank. I couldn’t take it anymore going thru all of this and I’m also on high risk pregnancy. I left him a few days ago and today he called me to tell me that he is under investigation at his job and might get terminated. Today I also found out that he took our daughter out with his lover. Its crazy how all of this happened in 5 months. We were saving up for our new home. He was excited about our new baby, he was a great loving husband and now hes a monster that doesnt care about his family. He started rejecting our daughter and started lashing out on her. It’s soo stressful that I had to leave and I don’t know if I made the right decision.

    • Dee

      I have a 5 month old and just drug tested my husband guess what postive for cocaine again we went to couples therapy he went to meetings for alcohol just stopped going to NA. We are closing on a house next week and he just tested positive today a week before we get our house Im tired of being hurt and I feel bad for our son because I cant do this anymore and he will have a broken home. Ive been in denial I can admit that today. You are so courageous for being independent and not putting up with it. I almost left him when I was pregnant and I caught him uaing cocaine , but I didnt because he started therapy then stoped going and found cocaine in his wallet when the baby was 1 month old .
      I wish you the best.

  • Norgar

    I really need help dealing with this. My husband has a bad alcohol and drug addiction problem. I need help trying to get through this.

    • KY

      Does your husband want to help himself to get better? Has he made the effort for change? If he keeps saying to you I don’t have a problem and does not feel the need to change, then it’s time to break free. If you have any children, get out while they are still young. IT’s not easy. Nothing ever is, but you will be at peace knowing that your children are safe from witnessing their father get into his addictions and you and them both become second fiddle. But IF he truly wants change, and truly takes the steps for his own self, not for you or his family, but him and him alone, then stand by his side, lift him up and keep encouraging him. But only if he wants to change. For myself my husband waited to make a change after I said I was divorcing him, and then he started an outpatient treatment, but it was only for show. I still didn’t trust him enough to trust in an outpatient treatment program. He had to show change for at least a year for me. Needless to say, he lasted only 1 month after his treatment program and he was right back where he started. Sad, situation, but he is choosing his addiction and I am choosing to move forward. Fortunately my children are adults now and I do not have to worry about them living in a home where they see him daily fall into the trap of addiction. They now watch it from a distance.

  • KY

    The stories here are so similar.. Once you realize that the person you fell in LOVE with for many years and stood by their side, only to be let down over and over again, it just breaks my heart. I have posted a few times on here. Now here’s an update. My husband is back into his addiction again. :( This breaks my heart. But instead of allowing myself to feel guilty for taking steps to get away from that lifestyle, I have to remind myself that he made this choice. He went to an intensive outpatient treatment only to find himself back into the same pattern. I told my husband over and over, that this change has to truly be what he wants. He cannot do it for me, or for the kids, but for himself alone. Turns he was only trying to change for me, which means, 2 things. #1) He cannot admit that he is an addict. And #2) He truly did not want to change himself. It breaks my heart because earlier this year in May, my husband had gotten a hold of a dose of heroin that created his heart to stop. He was revived, but it was at this time I felt that he not only died for that short time, but he killed the marriage that we are in. We have been married for over 26 years, and it’s gone. I cannot trust this man that I once put ALL my heart soul and trust in. He has made a choice to keep his addiction and not better himself, and for that I can no longer stand by and watch him kill himself. I fear that if he OD’s this time he will be gone forever. Then my children (both adults) will be fatherless, and have lost him to an addiction. Drug addiction is quite scary. I have watched him turn from a sweet, caring, and hard working man, to falling so far that he has turned into a man my kids no longer know. We had an accident in 2013 and to quote my daughter, “I lost my dad when he had that accident in 2013”. Because through his pain, instead of seeking a healthier way of handling it, he chose to fall into the trap of opiate addiction. When it became too difficult to obtain an oxy prescription he turned to the streets which led him to “chase the dragon”. I have filed for divorce, and this set him off into a more destructive pattern, and I will not beat myself up for choosing to get away from it. Because this addiction is so scary, it scares me to continue staying with him. He reverted back to the way he was before I was that young 19 yo girl who married him. He was abusive, and unpredictable, and he is now that way again. I’m broken hearted because a man I once loved and trusted has turned into a person I no longer trust. But I daily put one foot in front of the other. I pray that God will rise him up out of this rock bottom lifestyle he has put himself in, and overcome. Only then will he truly be free AGAIN from his addictions when he places his trust back into God’s hands and allows HIM to make him whole again.

  • Somer Corbesia

    I am really struggling. My husband has been inpatient now after trying to end his life and his addiction to adderall.

  • Somer Corbesia

    Opps I wasnt done. Anyway he is in a 42 day inpatient. He is pushing me away, saying it’s better to not see me and his kids, but other family members he is seeing. I asked him today why and he said he doesn’t want me involved in the recovery process…

  • Farrah

    Hello All….I am married to a man that I didn’t even know had an addiction to crack cocaine due to the fact that he has never used in front of me. The man that I married used to be the kindest man you would ever know. A little over a year ago I found out through cop while he was being arrested that he had a drug problem when they brought in crack pipe that I had never ever seen in my life. Instead of him admitting that he had a problem he told me that the cop was just trying to set him up. I have wanted to leave a few times for it is turning my house upside down. I have tried to believe in him due to the fact that he has told me that he needs help and that he is an addict. The problem is that he says this then does not even come home to get the help. He claims that he has to make money so he stays gone for days and weeks at a time and only goes to family on days that he needs to sleep and shower and then right back to the streets he goes. I have taken him to the treatment centers myself only for them to tell me that he does not meet the requirements and to place him in an outpatient program. One of the reasons that this happens is because I haven’t been able to go in with him because of having a little one and he has found a way to completely be sober enough to where they would not suspect much. He is the greatest manipulator I know. In the last few months I have found several crack pips only for him to say that they don’t belong to him and that he is going to sell them. A couple of days ago he told me that he needs my help and that he wants to come home. I told him what I expected but haven’t seen him yet. I have taken up for him, cleaned up his messes, lost cars, money, family, and had his back and for what just to feel let down. He still states that he can stop anytime he wants to but to me the streets have become what he likes because there is no way that he can tell me that he would rather be there than be at home where it is safe, He constantly tells me how bad the streets are yet he doesn’t come home. It breaks my heart because the man that I once knew is lost because he is chasing that dragon. He makes promises that this time it will be different but until he really makes that change I will not be there to pick up the pieces any more. I feel for him because the life that we both once wanted has been destroyed by the drugs. I have been in denial because I truly do love him but I have to love myself more to not allow any more destruction to take place within our family. He will need to prove to me that he really wants help or I will have to give him his walking papers. As much as it hurts me to say that he has to want the help and the desire to change. I just wish that I didn’t love him so much.

  • Taylor

    Hi, I’m also dealing with my husbands addictions. He has originally dealt with prescription pain pills he sought treatment with methadone and that made him sicker than the pills did. He relapsed the day he quit taking methadone. Then there was the Xanax and sleeping pills. Now he is seeking treatment with suboxone which has removed the urge for pain pills but now he is hooked on adderal and Xanax both of which he should not be taking with suboxone and I regularly stay up at night making sure he is breathing. I don’t know how to proceed, if I leave something could happen or he won’t continue to at least function as human (although he doesn’t all that much anyway) he has wiped us out financially and accuses me of spending his money which is proposterous enough since this is the first he has had a job in 5 years. I know he is making strides to better him self but I see him taking other things in place of the pain pills. I feel trapped!

  • Christina

    I am a mother of three children they are 1 4 and 5 . my 5 year old got diagnosed with cancer but he is beating it and doing great. My 4 year old has a learning disorder and my husband has now officially cracked. I feel like my whole world is crashing down. I knew about my husbands drinking and occasional drug use before i meet him . but he has completely changed in the last 6 months . he has lost alot if weight cheated on me now 3 times and he is acting crazy. He is also diagnosed as having bipolar disorder with manic episodes . so its hard to know what the truth is but 2 nights ago he was pretending to be homeless to get mobey for his habits . i am so riddled with anxiety and stress i cant handle all of this combined its too much. Last night i went to sleep and he left at midnight saying that he was having a manic episode but it all seemed very weird to me i dont know what to bieleve anymore. I feel like who i am has been stripped down to nothing helping him being there for him feeling like a single parent any advice would help me . do i stand by him because he has mental disorders and be the good loyal wife i have been or do i move on to save myself. Advice please

    • earthmama

      The best thing that I did for myself was to get myself to a local naranon group. The way I feel after my weekly meeting is wonderful. I know I am not alone and there are others there who have been in similar situations as I have. Good luck. Here’s a link: link to nar-anon.org

  • Ch

    My husband is hooked to cracked coccaine. He is using it every other day. He started using it when we got married. I choose to stay with him because I thought he will change eventually if we will have our own family. After a year, I got pregnant but it doesn’t stopped him. I was in labour and he was high on drugs. I thought my daughter can change him but I was wrong instead it became worst. Now I’m pregnant again. I tried leaving him a hundred times but I ended up staying with him because I thought it will worsened his situation. He told me he will change and seek for help but until now he still addicted to it. I’m unemployed and I don’t have a family in this country. That’s the reason I can’t leave him too. He doesn’t abuse me physically but the emotional and mental abuse I got from him when his high that makes it so much worst. Shall him and straightened himself or stay with him and just wait till he got sober?

    • Liliana Stoffle

      Ch, I read your story and I feel terribly compelled to write. Let me tell you a little bit about myself: I left my husband 3 months ago, even though my baby was not even 2 months old, I am not from this country, i have no family, I have no job and was full of fears. But God has been with us every step of the way and I have managed to stay away in such financial and emotional difficulties. I am better, I am recovering self esteem, joy and the most important, i am protecting my son from a terrible example. Please, think about your children, leave this man, don’t be afraid, there is tons of help for women like you and me. Think about what you’re transferring to your children by staying with someone who is not ready to be there for you and who, instead, is making your life so miserable. There is hope and help outside and once you decide to give that first step, God will show you the rest of the way and put wonderful people in your way. He did it with me. If you need ideas o can tell you more of resources you can find. It is possible, do it before it’s too late. We have the obligation to protect our children and put them above our own false expectations and dreams.

      • nikki edwards

        Amen

  • Vee Taylor

    Hi everyone
    Been reading all your comments and all seem to be a mirror image of my life
    I kicked my husband out 4 days ago.
    My story so far
    Kicked my husband out 4 days ago. Not heard a thing from him or not come to the family home once which is a good thing as I’ve change my number’s as I just can’t deal with him at the moment..I’m trying to work on myself and to rebuild my life. When I met him I new he was an ex herion addict. He also liked a drink (vodka) and a lot if it.Friday nights he did £50 worth of cocain..I’ve kicked him out more then enough times for his addictions…I got him off the vodka but he went to beer :( so no joy there…I said I wouldn’t put up with his Friday night sniff neither as he felt suicidle after using…then I find out he is on methadone…his mother precription pain killers codine…and then benzos (diazpam) he came down from 33mls of methadone to 3mls over 7 months and he did a rattle to come off the codine…2 weeks ago we had a silly argument over his mother as mother comes first with my husband and I’m at the bottom…but another long story as she gave him these pills and money for herion….he went off in a huff like a spoilt brat…that night he took 35 5mg benzos…and also injected smack…he turned up at our home 4 am the next morning…swore on my life that he hadn’t take smack but I new he had…so I told him I was going to get a drug test from our chemist to test him…then next thing he was throwing up and then past out…I phoned an ambulance who took him straight to a n e where they said he had had an overdose…I phoned his drug councillor to tell her what happened…she stopped his script for methadome.and benzos..so he had no choice but to go cold turkey unaided from these replacement drugs….well for 8 days I stayed up with him as there was no sleep for him or me well he was in rattle mode…I was ill myself but put his needs 1st like normal…on the day I kicked him out I caught him at 3am drinking and sneaking it…he as just replaced it all with beer. Then he said he wouldn’t be doing any off this if it weren’t for me..then he belittled me in front of friends…so I said enough was enough..he said give me £100 and I’m gone…I feel now that’s all are marriage was worth to him £100 so he can go get high..what do I do now xx

    • nicole

      Please write me, I’d like to talk. How are things now?

      • Verity Taylor

        Well all I can say is I was a Co dependant
        He came back after 9 days of being at his mother’s. In them nine days he had injected drugs and his mother got him hooked on codine again. So i went through the withdrawal again with him. We got back on track for 5 weeks and Xmas day came and he’s gone again back to his mother’s. I’m sorry to say but addicts well my addict can not be helped. It 5 days since he as been gone and it’s killing me. As I’ve put his needs 1st before anything. I’m lost and at a stand still because my normal life the co-dependant as gone with all the drama him and his family caused me. I’m very depressed with it. I have nothing left to give him. I have to walk away for good before he puts me in an early grave. If any1 else is in my situation I’d say run and don’t look back x

  • jess bowron

    Hi there kim,
    Im so sorry to hear about your situation.
    Im 27 years old i have 2 children 7 and 3.
    My high school sweetheart of 10 years took me down the exact same road. After me giving birth to our first child i saw a difference in him. I found out he was smoking pot then a few months later it was crack on the odd occasion. But a few more years and i didnt even know who this person was he became so bad and i was so stupid. I believed his stories and cover ups to only find he was taking anything that would give him a high. I found a needle in my pantry one day i remember looking at it and i thought time was standing still. I couldn’t believe it was this bad. He told me it wasnt his and didnt know how it got there… i actually convinced my self that maybe it was old from the previous tenant. But things got alot more clear and he was definitely using needels…. i felt so sick and ashamed i had lost all my friends and family. Due to him being so violent and controling. I would leave him to only return thinking i needed him and loved him…. one day i just left im not sure wat made me leave concidering he had done so many horrible things and i just convinced my self to deal with it…. so its been about 1 year since iv seen him its been so hard as i just feel we were ment to be. But me leaving him has giving me peace and slight happiness. I have my days were i miss him so much and then days were i cant believe he did so many things to me physically and emotionally . I cant believe me and the children weren’t ever enough life used to be so perfect for us. I wonder if he ever will see the day and regret it all… im trying to stay strong for my children and have found new friends that keep me busy. I still have a long way to go… but i can feel it will be okay. I hope my message has helped you and please feel free to get in contact with me at 22jessbowron@gmail.com
    I wish you and your family the very best.
    Dont give up in wat ever you decide to do.

    • Kim Morgan

      Jess,
      Thanks for your words of encouragement! I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. I’m glad to hear that there is hope! I’ve found some getting back to church, I feel that’s helped me more than anything. I’m like you I have good days and bad days. The thing that upsets me the most is our kids. The way he/drugs have effected our family, because it’s not a family any more. I know I have to be strong for them because they deserve some happiness. I wish you and your kids all the best. You deserve so much happiness.

  • Jamie F

    All of your stories mimic so much of what I’ve been through. My boyfriend & I have known each other since Jr High. He was my first & he was my best friend even after we stopped seeing each other back then. We last touch for many years then in 2010 he found me on Facebook, it was like we had never been apart. He was married but it was falling apart. I tried to give him ideas of how to save his marriage & just tried to be the best friend I could. I was by his side while he took care of his mom for 8 months while cancer took its toll on her. After she passed he last it. He had used cocaine recreationally for a few years & never really had a problem with it. He took pain medication daily due to a bad car accident he was in years ago & from the physical toll his job has caused over the years. But when his mom passed away he began going overboard & a few months later it was like he woke up & was unaware of the things he had been doing. This was in May of 2012. Then he caught his wife with another man in July 2012 & he was arrested & put in jail for the first time in his life. As a friend, I stood by him through it all including the divorce which was completed by Sept 2012. By November 2012 we were inseparable & made our relationship official. We had the best times together, we both worked hard, we both used cocaine recreationally. We started a business together. Things were going great!!! We worked hard but we did it together. We had trust like neither of us had ever had before. He was my soul mate. Then slowly we started doing more & more coke (because we had the money to do so). Then the summer of 2014 we finally made the trip to his hometown of Key West, FL for a week vacation. I was laid off of my job the day before we left but we decided i would just work with him when we returned. While on vacation I became pregnant. I continued working with him until I could no longer do the required work. The minute I found out we were having a baby I quit everything & he promised he would do the same but that never happened. His drug use just started getting worse. I spent my whole pregnancy angry & arguing with him over his drug use. Time & time again he would promise he was going to quit. He would stay up all night getting high. He started hallucinating, he would accuse me of cheating, he seen love notes from anyone I came in contact with on the walls of our town house & in other places, he would wake me up while I was sleeping to examine me for signs that I was cheating on him. I begged & pleaded with him to stop. I would find out the dealers & report them. I was desperate, I was losing my best friend. Then he’d have weeks that he wouldn’t touch anything & it was like he was back. Our daughter was born March 2015 & that’s when things went from bad to worse. He started using cocaine intravenously, then he was buying crack & breaking it down with kool-aid to inject. I quit buying bottled water, vinegar & kool-aid to make it harder for him. He would spend hours in the bathroom & I finally figured out he was new route of choice. He would take my debit card while I was sleeping when he was out of money to go buy more. After being hospitalized & having surgery for an abscess he finally admitted to me what he was doing. I got him into outpatient rehab, he quit…got him into detox, he left after 48hrs, we lost our townhouse. I talked my parents into letting him move with them to another state to get him away from everything. He did really good & we started fixing our relationship. But then I noticed every chance he got to come to our hometown he was messing up again. This time he went further away to stay with his Dad. Scared to tell his Dad what was going on & never having the best relationship with him it wasn’t long & he was back in our hometown again. He was bouncing from couch to couch of friends (who were also drug addicts), he started using heroin & coke when he could afford it. After finally coming to me crying I got him into a church based free drug treatment program, this time he only stayed 3 days before walking out. He promised he’d go back when the 30 day wait to get back in was up & we’d go to church in the mean time. That only lasted a couple weeks. By August of this year he asked his Dad to let him come back (he had some very close OD’s), his Dad agreed & he went back. We have continued our relationship through this all. This time he chose to go on his own, he found a normal job out there, began going to a counselor. He started getting answers for the way he has been feeling mentally for many many years. He was diagnosed with PTSD (from years of watching his mom’s boyfriend abuse her, then taking care of her while she died), major depression & anxiety. He was doing soooo good!!! Our relationship finally was going great!!! I felt like my best friend was back. Even though we were hundreds of miles apart we were happy, we joked with each other & we laughed. Then a month ago his behavior changed, he was back to accusing me of cheating on him, he’s back to hallucinating, he will video chat me & say he sees people with me when there’s not. He now blames these actions on his anxiety. I’ve heard his voice text messages thru or business email where he’s asking for fronts, but even with the proof he continues to lie to me. I just don’t know what to do!! All of this has caused me so many health problems from the stress. I’ll threaten to break up with him & he’ll be normal for a few days until he gets paid again. He doesn’t help me support our daughter & he doesn’t support his other kids (2 biological & 1 he raised from the age of 3 months). I grew up with a Mom that was addicted to drugs & I don’t want that life for my kids or his kids I love like my own. I won’t to walk away & be happy again for my kids sake. But I feel like if I do he’ll just overdose on purpose. I’m so lost & I don’t know what to do. Due to being a single mom & working more than 40 hrs a week to make ends meet I don’t have time to get to a counselor or a group meeting.

    • Cyn

      So sorry for what you are going through. I went through the feelings of loosing someone even though he was still there. The promises for years. I was caught between being his enabler, wanting him safe and needing to leave. He was an amazing person and great father. Finally after rehab this year he relapsed a month out and while trying to help others with their sickness. He died due to an overdose. Addiction is a horrible disease. Everyone is affected. They are so ashamed but many don’t realize just how powerless they are over the drugs. God bless, good luck and pray for him.

  • Marie
  • Lucy Martin

    Ur story has given me so much hope.. Thank you .. Time to go it just hurts so much :(

  • raja

    it doesn`t work like that always

  • sam

    I have been with my husband for 12 years married for 2 1/2 he has always smoked weed which wasn’t that big of a deal in beginning but became a everyday thing then I noticed his mood started changing a lot about two years ago right before I second child was born I finally found out it was meth he was snorting it then about 6 months ago he starting shooting it up I tried so hard to do everything I could to help him and make him get help but it didn’t work so now he is his in jail facing alot of criminal charges for his actions on drugs and I pray for my kids it helps him in long run but for me I am done I am filling for divorce and washing my hands of the devastion he put me thru for so many years

  • AJ

    Filed for divorce after 21 years of marriage. Oxy addict who rang up over $57k worth of drug debt. Killed me to let go but he wouldn’t help himself as long as I was handling everything. Our home was like a tomb….shades drawn, kept quiet, no kids playing, never going anywhere, never doing anything….I didn’t realize how oppressed and depressed I had become wallowing in his addiction without knowing…..I walked with him through detox, rehab, detox, outpatient….he went back to it every time. I set a boundary and when he crossed it, we were done. Caught him smoking something out of tinfoil in the driveway of our home….feet from our children. He left me emotionally and spiritually LONG before I filed. Propping an addict up does not help them at all; it makes it worse…if you’ve draw your line in the sand and they’ve crossed it, walk away. It is a narcissistic disease that changes the fabric of who they are; they are no longer capable of caring deeply for anything but the object of their addiction. You CANNOT love them out of it. As much as it hurts, it could be the only thing that saves you both. Walk away.

  • kim

    I’m stuck in this hell I don’t know how to make it stop. We have been together 15 years. I don’t even know a life without him. Also scared with him not having some sort of stability that I provide he will over dose somewhere. I am praying I’m truly lost in this darkness. He is using crack an heroin won’t work anymore and yesterday stole my car for the entire day causing me to be late for work. I was a happy person social and caring . Now I’m miserable and don’t know if I’ll ever be free of this.Really helps to just know other people know how this feels.

    • nikki edwards

      15 years is way to long my relationship was 6 yrs and I left him he uses crack and drank also and let me tell you it’s a year later and I am engaged I have a good career and I am just so happy I put my foot down and moved on!!!!! Cause at the end of the day your in charge of your happiness no one else!

  • Beth

    I’m in a very similar situation and just left my husband of 5 years (married) 12 years together. It’s only been 5 days and it’s taking everything I have to not take him back because he is the love of my life but he loves his addiction to meth more. I know I have to move on but I don’t know how. I’ve been with him since we were 17 and he’s all I’ve ever known. But for the last few years it’s just been a cycle of I love you, I’m sorry, I’ll get clean, then he’s sober for a week or 2 then we’re right back to the beginning. It came to a point were I couldn’t take anymore and I realized that my loving him won’t make him the sober person I need him to be. Is the any specific support groups you could suggest to help.

    • Exhausted

      This is my 1st time to this post. I began googling how to deal with an addicted husband and came across this story… Wow i feel like everyone up here keeps repeating my life. I just need to tell my story, not for anyone else but for me and any advice or words of wisdom would be great. Here goes:

      I have been married to my husbtod now for 7 years. We started dating in highschool and knew i had found the love of my life… We got married when i graduated college, i was 23. I had it all planned out, all i ever wanted was a family of my own; a wonderful trustworthy, god loving marriage and 4 or 5 kids along the way and divorce was never an option in my eyes (especially since all of my family had been married at least 2 or 3 times each- i was determined to make my family work no matter what)… My father was a drug addicted, not ever around when i was growing up and i promised myself i would NEVER let that happen to my family or children ( and my husband knew how i felt about that and my struggles with that type of father). The 1st couple years were great. He was great and life seemed good. We tried for years to have a child. Family situations arrived and we kind of put it on the side burn and tried our best not to stress over it any more. Things in our marriage and with the construction company we created together started getting rocky. Money started going away faster than i could keep track. He would always say he had to pay a subcontractor for this or that or materials had to be bought. I was having to put suppliers off and their bills started getting behind and things were just not adding up. Nothing was getting taken care of like he was saying and there was nothing to show for all the money that kept getting used from the business account. He finally came out and told me he had a cocaine problem. I lost it when i heard that from his mouth. My worst nightmare was coming to play. I got myseld together and said ok, what are we going to do about this? He promised everything. He was never going to use again, he saw how bad it hurt me and just couldnt see that again in my eyes.
      Little did i know how deep he was in… He learned to hide very well and keep his distance from me without me thinking anything of it. And what do you know, some months later we found out we were pregnant. We were going to an addiction meeting once a week together and he was saying everything i wanted hear. Equipment and tools started missing. He pawned everything that we owned of value.
      That pregnancy was awful. While he would go out all night, come home high and lay around all day, i was crying my eyes out worried if he would come home or not and asking god to forgive me for bringing a child in to this. Our boy is now two years old. My husband has been to two rehabs. He has pawned everything from tv, cameras, lawn mower and every gun that he had. He has stolen check books, debit cards, credit cards, my wallet, change jars. We are in tons of debt.

      About 3 weeks ago i told him we couldnt live together anymore. This is no way to raise a child and you continue to break boundaries and lie and manipulate me into giving you money. I told him i couldnt do this to him anymore and i cant do it to myself anymore.

      He refuses to leave so i leave. This goes back and forth. He says it his house and he doesnt has to leave. That hes not the only one to blame here… I told him i want my name off of everything we own together. My name is on all the credits cards that are maxed out, my name is on his truck that is at least 3 pmt behind. I will have nothing left…. He is an emotional wreck. One day he is going to do whatever it takes, the next day its the total opposite. I feel like im living in hell. Someone just put me out of my misery… Help

      • disqus_gNkvtSlRLa

        Wow I am so with you on this! Same story and I need help getting out too. Our house is for sale, car payments behind, I am constantly making excuses to my family. I have become a hermit because I am stuck. Today is his birthday and he says he needs $150, I blew $150/day?? I didn’t know it was soooo bad. He yelled at me and is sulking downstairs saying I wrecked his birthday. Mental anguish!

      • Erin Coyle

        Omg i am in tears, LITERALLY i am bawling my eyes out reading this…you literally described my entire story to a T!!!!! Down to the details…hes always meeting with contractors, working so many hours…but no pay? Something always comes up, his tools were stolen, my $800 camera, stolen…mmhmm. I made him leave in nov (now march) i own the house, non marital property) and im here with my 8yr old and 2yr old. Hes living in a closet at his aunts. She has no clue hes ever even smoked weed, let alone being a heroin addict. Ive heard the promises, 2 failed rehabs, blah blah blah, today i found out he injected when i thought he snorted, i found out he was not 1wk clean, but actually just used yesterday, and his aunt caught him stealing $ from her and kicked him out today. He has no work, no money, nothing. Pretty sure hes sleeping in his car right now at the gas station. Hes been begging me all day to let him come home…its cold outside…because he cant face HIS AUNT after her finding out he took $. (Thinking how the fuck can you face me? Jerk.) mfker has been driving me and my children around HIGH. (Im disabled and cannot drive) this man is someone i literally used to refer to as superman. He was GORGEOUS. Incredible in bed. Worked 18hr days hard work. He was strong, driven, powerful. He was my childhood dream, i felt protected. I felt safe. And the best part was he loved me. After all my traumas (mom shot herself after being caught with having a drug problem, 1st husband killer in a car crash when i was pregnant with my 1st son, i became disabled…i have many, many traumas…) and he accepted them all. He loved me so deep and so real. Its the only thing i could never doubt. Now, 6yrs later, hes jobless, no income, zero friends except his dealer, his teeth are breaking apart, he contracted mrsa and refuses to get treatment to further hide the addiction, he MIGHT shower once a month, he is literally a completely different person. The only thing left in him is i do know he loves me and the kids. But that is not enough. I feel awful letting him fall even deeper, but i know it will happen either way, here or not. I nor the kids should be a part of that fall. So as bad as i feel for him, i do know im doing the right thing. It does hurt though. Thats the hardest part about all this…is losing the person you used to have, and this new person is like a walking nightmare magnet. Its hell. Ive been thru plenty of hell…but this is the absolute worst. I have never felt so damaged. I feel like im finally getting some fresh air since hes gone though. I just hope i can stay strong and not cave. Its hard. So fuckin hard.

    • Jenny Carlson

      Beth, thedailypledge.org is a fantastic place to come and share. It’s free and open to anyone. It practically saved my life as I am the mom of 2 addicted children. Blessings to you.

    • Angz

      Hi Beth, please look up an Al Anon meeting near you. Just google it, you will find one. It saved my life while I battle a similar situation…. but also helps make me a better person in general and know you are NOT alone.

      • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

        My wife will tell you that Al-Anon saved her life when our son was struggling with addiction. Al-Anon is a great organization.

  • DR N

    What are you teaching your kids when you leave your spouse when they needed you the most, Bad Wife

    • nikki edwards

      Are you kidding me!!!! She is a great wife for leaving she has kids to put first OK! Her ex husband is not her kid! He is a grown man that treated her wrong by putting addiction before his kids and wife! So bad husband! I left my addict of 6 years and not looking back! You get tiered of lies and broken promises and any woman out there who wants to leave please do! You are no grown man’s mother OK! Leave! Run! It’s a new year it’s time to be free and live life with some one who will love you genuinely not toxic!

      • Lynn

        I am trying to leave now, after 16 years five in the middle and the 1st year were great. Once he got off meth, I thought he wouldn’t ever go back! I was wrong ? I too over the past several years have put a roof over his head, fed him done everything and still lies and won’t stop I cannot go on like this, I feel it is killing me! But I AM putting my BIG GIRL PANTS on and I am DOING IT! I am leaving and take care of myself. I too felt like the longest I should stay better or worse. But in the Bible, abuse substance, verbal, physical is a Christian Divorce. Wish me luck!

        • Dawn Stanley

          Your situation is the same as mine. My husband started Meth about 6 months ago when he received an inheritance once the money was mostly gone he decided to start selling drugs. I told him to leave and he has done so. He is having an affair with a girll who could be his daughter. I feel like I want to die I never imagioned that after 23 yrs of marriage and two kids I would have to start over. How are you getting through this. I constantly wonder what he is doing and who he is doing it with. I feel like a PI. My lawyer told me I might have to pay alimony if I cannot prove hes cheating. I also might have to give him 1/2 my 401K . This is ridiculouse. I am the adult running a house hold, making sure my kids get what they need, and he is out partying and having sex with who ever. This is destroying me.

          • LAC

            Sounds like you need a better lawyer! So the man makes money selling drugs. He has a job! Why should you pay him alimony?
            I would think the biggest expense you would have would be to hire an excellent private investigator and discover what he is really doing with the girl.
            I am not a lawyer, but I am a woman and I would not give up my hard earned cash to someone who went through his inheritance (did he share that with you?) to become an adulterer and drug addict.
            And you have kids to take care of? Is he going to pay child support?
            Good luck. Fight hard and don’t look back.

        • KytieKay

          I struggled with that one too. Being a Christian myself I felt I was disappointing God and He would condemn me. But I came to peace with the decision. My faith in God still remains and the fact that your husband (mine included) chose his addiction it was his mistress. He lies, and cheated, just so he can have that small bit of satisfaction. He chose his habit over family. So when you feel as though God doesn’t agree with your divorce remember, He loves you. And He does not want to see His daughters hurt by their self-destructive behavior. He forgives and forgets. It’s us who remembers. So be strong. Move forward. God will continue giving you strength you need to escape the torture and the death of your marriage.

    • Leila Abdelmeguid

      What are you teaching your kids when you force them to live in a home with a filthy, lazy, unemployed, no self esteem looser heroin addict who chose drugs over HIS OWN FAMILY?! He put his own wife and children in danger due to his reckless behavior and doesn’t even deserve them. Bad husband.

  • Kristy

    Hi
    My name is Kristy, my partner of over 16 years is addicted to opioids and He managed to hide that from me, for I dunno how many years. I need help and I don’t know how to start.

    • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

      Kristy… I strongly suggest you find a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting in your area and attend. Being face-to-face with people who know exactly what you’re going through and feeling can be incredibly helpful and comforting. Believe me, you are not alone.

      Also, there a lot of books out there that could help you. I wrote a blog and discussed some of my favorites. You might be interested in checking it out. Here’s the URL:

      6 Essential Books for Those with an Addicted Loved One
      link to recovery.org

  • Sam

    Hi everyone. I
    fell in love with the most amazing man, he is my everything. Unfortunately we
    got involved in cocaine use – it started out as just a fun thing but then it
    started occurring three times a week (even on weekends) I have a strong
    willpower and I know when enough is enough so I stopped doing it months ago
    with no problem whatsoever. However, he has carried on and knows he has a
    problem but just doesn’t know how to deal with it. He is anti-doctor (I know, I
    know…..) thus rehab isn’t really an option. I know he suffers with past pain
    (from failed marriage and a tough childhood/upbringing) and we jumped into
    a relationship too soon and he never had any time to confront
    these demons. They now appear to be consuming him whole and
    he uses drugs to escape. He now does it on his own and it makes me so sad
    because he thinks I am attacking him when I ask him to stop it. We had
    such huge fights about the craziest of things (about vegetable curry once) and
    there were terrible things said, the rationality and reasoning is so
    distorted and I began to think I was the problem – that I was a bad partner and
    I questioned my own sanity. I see the man I fell in love with surface every now
    and then, but this Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde thing is keeping my man
    captive. I am now moving out and I realise that me being with him and
    loving the man I knew is the worst possible thing to do – I am not dealing with
    that person anymore. My heart is in pieces and leaving him is the hardest thing
    I have ever had to do. I care more than anything about him and I am hoping that
    he can resolve the conflicts within himself and maybe we can try again in the
    future when the time is right.

    • Char

      Hi Sam,

      I completely know what you are going through. I am no angel and in all honesty probably introduced my Husband to cocaine. But that was many years ago and back then it was a socialable habit. Something changed, my Dad died I was constantly accused of sleeping with our friends male and female and I started to use coke and drink quite excessively. I felt low and our social circle changed and it felt like we were having fun.

      I then realised it wasn’t fun and cried to my close friends at 9 in the morning whilst still sat with wine in my hand on my own because I had managed to turn another Friday into a session and felt so alone. They sat with me for hours and I then told my Aunty and she came with me to get help and then told my mam. I have children and my Mam was completely shocked.

      I had no control and it was controlling me not me controlling it. Anyway, my husband supported me and tried to help me through it and I regained control, and some of our friendship circle changed.

      The problem is we kept some of the circle and occasionally it happened but it was controlled.

      Now how and when this happened I don’t know there have been a number of factors that could have caused it but my Husband is the one with the problem which has completely got out of control.

      For years he has questionned my loyalty and hasn’t been able to trust me for no reason other than his own guilt. I caught him with another woman who was involved in our family but never once said a thing because it was behind closed doors.

      So, for around 3 years the accusations towards me have got worse but so has his habit. The last year has been particularly bad and he has lied and lied about not doing coke, turning aggressive when questionned then two weeks later breaking down crying because he owes money out. Begging forgiveness, never doing it again promising the world. But then continued with the same accusation making me feel worthless, small and completely giving up. I stopped going out because it wasn’t worth the hassle but he still continues to lie.

      Something stupid happened and I did something completely out of character and it made us both realise we were hurting each other and I have no idea why I did what I did. But I do know that that was another time of thinking that he had stopped, to be told that he had and its the last time he promises, when I actually knew he was still using and when I asked him he said no when again he was. We were skint he owed money and he had no regard to that what so ever.

      Just when I think we are getting somewhere I start to suspect and after a huge row making up I suggested drug testing to which he agreed. They came, he said nothing, I suspected he had used at the weekend which caused the huge row Monday….I tested Wednesday and it was positive!

      He still continues to lie and that’s what frustrates me……and tonight he has thrown back my mistake and has told lots of ppl about my mistake but not mentioning what could have caused it, completely omitting his 2 year habit and constant lying and me bailing him out and his constant accusations when indeed he did it first!

      I am at the point now where I think it’s time to end it. But now it’s when he needs support, but I have no strength left and no longer know what it feels to be normal. I am desperate for normalness but don’t think it will happen and I completely feel your pain.

      Good luck with your future and hope everything works out

  • Nicole

    I’m so conflicted. My husband has done drugs in one form or another since he was 13. Now he’s 33. He is very ADHD and had some trauma in his childhood. I myself have depression/anxiety issues and used to drink excessively during and after college. He would drink with me but I would never do the drugs with him. Then I tried blow with him and drinking was no longer an issue. We spent thousands of dollars on coke together and during that time I went into a bad depression. We both lost our jobs and he went into debt trying to get me more drugs to make me happy. He also tried meth during that time. We went bankrupt. Thanks to my mom, I am somewhat back on track, in therapy and taking the appropriate meds to keep me stable. Now that I am happy again, he has gone into a depression. He lost his job and is using meth consistently. He is also trying to get some IT certifications so he’s not completely checked out but the mood swings, paranoia and other side effects are coming between us. Along with that, I find myself doing blow occasionally and smoking a lot of weed to deal with it all. I don’t want to fall back into a depression but I don’t know how to help him. He says he’ll let me make appts with therapists and doctors to help but never follows through. We both used to be such prideful people but now have let each other verbally and physically disrespect each other. After being with each other 12 years (married 6 years) I don’t know what to do. I want to move on and have kids with him but feel like this will be a perpetual struggle the rest of our lives. I won’t put children in an environment like that. Some websites say to leave (so does my therapist) and others say to support them through rehab. I worry that if I finally get the guts to leave, he will hurt himself or do something rash. He has a temper. I made a vow to him but am a prideful woman. When do I say enough is enough? Am I a hypocrite?

    • Sam

      I’ve decided that I am not going to stand for it anymore. You need to walk away Nicole, you cannot help him – it’s up to him to want to help himself. I am in the same boat, we had plans for yesterday afternoon and I hadn’t heard from him by 3:30pm. I then went out with my best friend and ended up going to see him in the evening. He just ignored the fact that I was there and stared at his phone and TV. I though to myself why am I even here. When I asked him if he did drugs the night before he said “yes I did” then I just went quiet and he asked what my problem was and I said…..”we had plans and you let me down because of that shit” He then got angry and said why are you coming here to start shit with me? Why am I the one to blame? I moved out for him to work on himself and have lost everything we built up together and he is still doing that stuff. I feel so disappointed and realise that I cannot be doing this to myself. I need to walk away because he will never change.

      • Nicole

        Thank you for replying. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. I left him on Friday and he seems to be in a whole other world, thinking I will come back home. You’re right, they have to change themselves and we can’t do it for them. Best of luck. Stay strong. This sucks but I think we’re doing the right thing for us and them.

        • Erica

          It is so sad to read all of these posts with women in the same situations. I am also one in that boat with 5 kids on my own. I am having such a hard time leaving, they kids asking for their dad, me missing him for reasons I don’t even understand. This is the worst life and it takes such a toll. My heart goes out to each and every one of you. I have to think that this pain we all feel when we leave will get better and that it cannot be worse than what these addicts put us through if we were to stay. Best of luck to all, keep praying, and keep the kids close because those will give us strength and we need as much as we can get. What they get from drug use we must find on our own without it and I know that is much harder. I feel no sympathy for these addicts, yes it is a mental illness, but should a killer be allowed to go around harming people because they are mentally ill? No, and either should drug addicts.

  • Nancy

    Thank you for sharing your story. My story is very similar. It is hard to take that final step as I fear him ending up on the streets and fear of the future. We will have been married 32 years this year. Just can’t take the continual lies and deceit. This is no way to live a life!

    • Jai

      Hi we have same situation but im happy i was able to stop ny self from using again. You should really stop and focus on ur kid. Now my problen is how to escape my husband he is making me now a enabler

    • disqus_hVLU4jz3Xu

      Hi Nancy. I’ve been married for 38 years, found out that my husband is on meth about two years ago. Thought something was wrong about a year before. I’ve come to th h ed point that I have to take drastic measures. To cover my own life. They just don’t get it. Nothing fazes him. Our children are grown. And a lot smarter than he thinks. He thinks we don’t know. But we do. And his family is oblivious of it all. They have had drug problem of their own. I’m at o loss I have lost that love of my life. And feel all alone

  • Marie Andrews

    Been with my husband since I was 12 and he was 15 I am now 20 and, he turns 24 this month. We have a two month old son and, I love my family more than anything in this world but, over time my husband occiured a meth addiction and shortly after I followed. I want to stop, I want him to stop, I want better for our family than what we have right now but, I am a waitress so I make cash money everyday and, everyday I say I wanna stop but I always wind up calling my “plug.” And my husband says he wants to stop to but, on the days were I don’t want any and, just wanna be sober and spend time together he gets verbally, mentally, and “physically” abusive when I won’t give him my money or I only made $20 because we were dead. I put ” ” around physically cause he’s never actually hit me but, he’ll come at me and, raise his hand but, always cries himself to sleep when a few hours goes by and I won’t let him touch me (realizes what he did.) I know this man loves me and, our son and he knows I love him and our son but.. Were not getting anywhere :'( .. Help?

    • Nicole

      Hi Marie. I’m definitely no expert on any of this but I know the feeling of wanting to be sober when your partner isn’t. I’m on week 4 of being away from my husband. It’s not been easy but I keep telling myself it’s the healthiest thing I can do for my husband and I. Staying just makes us part of the problem. You have a baby boy that is a priority above your husband. You can’t make your husband quit no matter how much you love him. You can only be responsible for you and your baby. You need to be somewhere else where the temptations aren’t in your face. Do you have somewhere like that? Think of your kiddo. If you continue this way, it will ultimately hurt your kid. Make that your driving force. Leaving doesn’t mean your husband is a bad person but every little thing you do to distance yourself from a toxic situation will help all 3 of you. You know what to do. Just take a breath and do it.

  • Daphne

    Hi, I’m 22 years old and have been with my heroin addicted boyfriend for 3+ years. We met in junior high but didn’t start dating until 2013. I had a daughter from my previous crap relationship, she was about 5 months when I started dating my current boyfriend, he basically raised her. Well anyways, Our whole relationship has been him in and out of rehab and jail. He promises me he’s going to change everytime. We had our son in 2015. He was in rehab then where he was able to have a vehicle and leave at certain times. I’ve seen him messed up so many times. He’s crashed 4 cars since we’ve been together. He’s been abusive. He ignores my calls when he’s out. He puts me down. And when he’s high he wants to love on me and dance, everything he doesn’t when he’s sober. I’m so tired of this. My kids see us fight everyday. I try to leave but I feel sorry for him. I love him like crazy, I just don’t understand why he does this. He has everything he could ever want or need. How do I leave him? He always threatens to overdose if I leave. Help?!

  • Faith

    Hello….me n my husband have been together for 16 yrs now in between he has a child with another woman in which i take part in as my own child together we have 5 children one passed away our first born together from a birth defect. Our marriage has been on a rocky level only reading all these stories gives me the guts to vent myself. My husband is addicted to meth and is an alcoholic daily. We had split up for some time and bounced back together due to having another child together…its just been lies,lies and lies since then with him. I currently have been dealing with the financial issues and him not coming home. While we split the last time I filed for divorce in which i failed to comply completely due to me missing alot of work to keep up with court and got full custody of our children and have always kept up with raising his child from the other woman. Life has been so heartbreaking for me it is only pushing me to push him further away and I am going to be re filing to get a divorce. I am exhausted from the lies and continuous disrespectful behavior I feel as if I ‘m a single parent already and seems single anyways I pretty much am confident to get my own life rolling. Its clear to me now you can not help someone who cant help themselves with that said god bless all u women who share the same frustration i do….know ur not alone. Silence speaks of the things not wanting to be said. Wish me luck.

    • Sam

      Hi Faith. I am so sorry you are going through this. You situation is even harder because there are kids involved. The best thing for your own sanity is to work out a way of making things amicable for their sake. It is not fair on you and you need a man that you can rely upon. Unfortunately it’s going to take him hitting rock bottom for him to realise what he is doing to his family. Stay strong hun and know you’re in my thoughts.

      • Eddie Rawlings

        And rock bottom.. that can be alot. For me I had to hit rock bottom, get a shovel dig a hole, call someone to pick me up in the hole to drive me deeper, then dig a bit deeper before I finally was tired of getting high, going to jail and losing my home and car everytime. I would get out, get another car, another place to live, relapse, and end up back in jail. Actually what got me clean was I came into some money from an injury and knew it was a recipe for disaster, so I went to a methadone clinic. I know really say it’s trading one thing for another but that’s far from the truth. Like in my situation I could NOT get clean and get on track. Methadone gave me a foothold of normallcy, I was able to get a job, and not focus on a fix, I had all this money all of a sudden, I was normal. When I was final sick and tired of going to the clinic everyday I started dosing down from methadone slowly. I was sick for a bit but I’ve now been off it two years and haven’t relapsed. I did it.

    • Cindi

      Good luck dear. I understand.

  • Amy

    Hello . . . my boyfriend of three years is an opiate addict. Let me tell you, this has driven me to the point of craziness. Anxiety & depression have taken over my life. I think it’s time I break it off for good. The truth is, my gut tells me he has relapsed. He is constantly “nodding off” — he can’t even hold a conversation at night. His lies and deceit have destroyed any trust in our relationship. I’m constantly checking his phone, email, vehicle, computer, etc. I have tried so hard to be his rock, support his treatment, not abandon him, etc, but I cannot live like this anymore. I wouldn’t wish this lifestyle on my worst enemy! Thoughts & prayers for strength–I will need it. This is SO hard!!!

    • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

      Amy… I’m sorry you are going through this with your boyfriend. There’s no doubt that loving someone who struggles with addiction is one of the most challenging things somebody can do. It sounds to me like you’re becoming addicted to his addiction, and that’s not a good thing. When his behavior starts affecting you like it is–checking his phone, email, computer, etc., and making you crazy–then it’s definitely time to take a step back. Your primary focus should be taking care of YOU. Self-care is so essential when you’re dealing with a loved one’s addiction issues. You have to be at your best emotionally and physically, not only so you can support your loved one…but because you DESERVE to be at your best. I don’t know what your living situation is, but if you live with him maybe it’s time to find somewhere else to stay, at least temporarily. Detaching doesn’t mean that you stop loving or caring; it just means that you learn to do it without making yourself crazy. (If you haven’t yet read Melody Beattie’s book “Codependent No More,” I highly recommend it.) Also, know that it’s okay to walk away from this relationship if that’s what will make your life better. Like Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach…You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. Your boyfriend is the only person who can take the steps necessary to change his life. If he’s not willing to do so, then all you can do take care of you. There’s another book out there that may help you, too. It’s called “Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change.” It’s written specifically for partners and parents of people with addiction and it’s full of great information. It will teach you how to communicate better with your boyfriend, how to help motivate him to *want* to change, and–most importantly–how to take good care of yourself. You are not alone, my friend. There are so many people who are in the same situation you are. In fact, you may want to consider attending a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting; the community and support you can find at those meetings can be invaluable. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I will also send positive vibes your boyfriend’s way.

      • Cindi

        What a nice response. I will be reading those books. I have allowed my husband’s addiction to turn me into a crazy person. I have so much anger and sadness. Thank you for the suggestions to Amy you can bet I too will be taking some of your advice.

  • Kristin

    Hi my name is Kristin an my husband and I are childhood lovers. We met when we we’re 12-13 years old. We ended up coming back together years later when I was 28 and he was 29. We started dating an I ended up getting pregnant, we got married and around December he admitted to me an his Mom he was addicted an using a form of meth(Ice). We had no idea. A lot of things we’re happening an we couldn’t understand why. He was always staying up all night being reckless, being destructive an just acting crazy, belligerent and aggressive. We’ve been married for almost a year an been together almost 2. But these last 8 months I’ve been through hell. I’m always cheating on him no matter what I say or anybody that defends me that knows me. He’s always right. It’s crazy an bizarre accusations that would never be true or real. He’s gotten to the point where he believed his own lies in his head an got to where he was hearing things an seeing things that are not there. He’s been scary, abusive, violent, an no one can tell him otherwise that he isn’t wrong. He’s the father of our beautiful 10 month old baby girl an he’s my 1st love. I don’t want to end my marriage for nothing. I have never cheated on my husband. Drugs have turned him against me completely. Even when he sobers up he is still against me. Idk what to do? He says he’s willing to get help an he loves us but then he changes his mind bout getting help in a day or two. I don’t want to leave my husband but I’m not gonna put myself or our daughter in danger. He is scarily paranoid. I need help.

    • valent

      Our story is so similar, only that we met when we were 15, and now we are 32 with 2 kids.. this is soooo hard and I dont know how much longer I can keep all these toxic feelings inside me, I’m really scared that I will slowly lose my sanity. I live in a country where rehab and counselor for addiction is hard to find and divorce requires a lot lot lot of money here. I really need to pour my heart and my mind out so I can stay strong for my kids. Would anyone here want to create a small group together with me please? so we can share information, and support each other?

      • Sally

        I am in a bad place too husband who was addicted to pills and then herion and now he is just an angry person and drinks so no luck getting sober just trades addiction. I would love a support circle it’s hard to go to alanon and counseling if you are barely paying bills and getting lied to left and right and dealing with stress if two little ones that have seen too many of our fights.

      • TottiG

        Yes! I’m so lost with everything that this is the only thing I think could help and find some type of comfort from each other.

  • Cassie

    Where to begin….. I have dealt with addiction my whole life. My father was an alcoholic. He ended up loosing his battle at just 40 years old. I was 13 years old when my dad died. Now here I am 18 years later, in a relationship with an addict. My boyfriend and I have been together for 14 years. Since I was just 17 years old. He has always smoked weed. About 5 years ago he became addicted to cocaine. We lost everything. At that time we had 3 children. We were evicted from our apartment, on the run from the repossession man, and didn’t have a pot to piss in OR a window that throw it out. I’m not sure when it happened but I was finally able to get him off the cocaine and we got back on track. About 2 years ago his mother passed away and he turned to heroin. It took me a few months to figure out what he was on but I figured it out. These past 2 years have been the worst of my life. I love him so much and so desperately want to help him. But I can’t. I suffer for it. Our now 4 children suffer for it. I have so many deep seeded issues from loosing my father to addiction. Why am I never enough for anyone? Why are our children not enough? I want to leave him so bad, but am so scared of I do, he will end up either dead or in prison. And while I know it wouldn’t be my fault, I would still feel as if it were. We fight constantly. He tries to make me into a terrible person. I know Im not, but man he really knows how to get into my head. I bust my ass to provide for my family while he just sucks the life out of me. I don’t know who I am as a person anymore. I feel so empty and hollow. I want life with him to be good again. Deep down I know, even if he gets clean, and that’s a big if, there has been so much damage done that I don’t think it can ever be repaired. I am so sad for my children. Their father has been a HUGE part of their lives. And I have to destroy that for them. I’m sorry I know this post is all over the place. I just have so much going thru my mind….. Thanks for listening

    • Rachael Miller

      I am going thru the same thing right now and I have two girls that I am trying to protect and I feel so all alone. I would like to talk with you and we could help each other thru this! What is your email address?

    • candy

      You are not alone. I’m going through the same thing. I pray that God opens a door and opportunity for us to leave and never turn back.

    • Cynthia

      I m sorry you are going through this. Our family was destroyed by drugs. He was an amazing father but he was sick. He never used in front of them or I. I only knew because of the money missing and at one point ,when we were separated, the weight loss. I took my son’s father to rehab, he wanted it . He wanted to start over. He sounded great. He talked about GOD and finding a freedom he had never felt before. We thought he was going to be okay. I told him once he was better he could come back home. He relapsed, 2 weeks later and died in 2016. Feelings of guilt were felt by everyone who knew him and are still felt. Everyone wonders what would have happened if they would have talked to him that day. I wake up and go to sleep thinking of him. He had to do it for him and no one else but there is no more pain for him. His battles are over. I felt it was my job to save him but I could no longer enable him. I wonder what if my children had found him or what if he would have gotten in a wreck with them…I miss him with everything I have. I loved him so much. More than I even think he realized. Good luck with your family. Protect your children and yourself. It is not that you or your children are not enough. He is sick. His brain functions differently. May he find that higher power to help him beat this. -Hugs

    • Jennifer

      Cassie,
      I’m with you. I’m living it too. 2 small girls to provide for…busting my ass at work. He’s on disability. His drugs, doctor prescribed. Came home tonight (first night in awhile) to him high on Lord knows what. I know it wasn’t the weed and his regular regimen that did it. I’m scared. I’m alone with family 3000 miles away. Your mind just goes every which way. They manipulate to devalue you. I truly thought I was losing my mins until I pulled my head out of my ass. Tonight was a wake-up call. Its time to prepare. I’m going to see an attorney to discuss what happens when divorce comes. I’m planning to move back to family. You think I’m your heart of hearts that leaving will be the thing that does them in…..the bull shit part about it is that somehow addicts have 9 lives and ultimately, they did this, not us. We have to do what’s right for our children. My husband has been a very active father too…he’s a stay at home dad. My girls adore him. But what’s right for them and what’s right for me is not this. Its effecting them girl. You know it is. My father was an alcoholic too. My mom was in this same situation with my brother and I….same ages as my girls. She left my dad. Best thing she could have ever done for us. Was it easy? No. Was it better than staying? Hell yes. I’m praying for you, for me, and for others like us, to find the strength. I’m sorry that you’re going through it. My heart aches for anyone who knows this life and has children as innocent bystanders. They didn’t ask for this. :( I hope you get out Cassie. Its not gonna get better on its own until he’s forced to be responsible for the messes you are constantly picking up.

  • Rhonda

    My husband of nearly 15 years and my love for nearly 20 years is addicted to cocaine. He was a Crack addict when I met him. I know this sounds strange but he was/is a master at manipulation and managed to keep it from me for the first year and a half we were together. I found out after some of my things had been going missing. I simply asked him if he knew where my things were and he just broke down and told me about pawning my stuff for drug money. I had never encountered anything of this sort. Looking back some of the behavior now makes sense but back then I just didn’t see it. My father was a proud man. Never saw him cry ever. When my dad’s best friend died he still never cried in front of us he went for a walk out to the field to be alone and cry. So when my boyfriend was sobbing on his knees in front of me, put his head on my lap, and begged me not to leave him saying he needed help, said he was terrified…I couldn’t leave him. My instincts were to help this man I loved. So I took over his finances and tried to get him back in the clear but it was a losing battle. He would just get angry with me for not giving him money. Then he would cry to his mother about how I was denying him everything financially. That’s when he figured out he could play his mother and I against each other. He lost his house and we then lived separately again. His family was also now trying to help clean him up. Eventually the game he played of pitting his family and I against each other blew up in a fight. I still stayed with him. As I said he is a manipulator and had me believing he was in love with me and needed me. Then I got pregnant with our first child. I truly believe that that child saved him. He managed to clean himself up and get straight by the time our child was born (or so I thought I am no longer sure he wasn’t still pulling the wool over my eyes). We then got married. Life was great. Until about 6 months into our marriage. We got word another friend was using Crack. He decided he should reach out to him to try to help. I advised against it as I was afraid but he did it anyway. A week after that discussion I came home from work one day took one look into his eyes and my heart sank. I knew immediately he used again. There began our second round of dealing with this. We lost the house we bought together or at least the mortgage company said that they would not renew us as our payments had been in arrears far too often. So he then said a change of scenery and distance from “those people” he had contact with would do the trick. Said “I promise baby I will get clean if we move”. So we did. In doing so my oldest child from a previous relationship did not want to move so she left us to live with her father. So in essence I lost my daughter because of this man. She did not know we were losing our home anyway. Moving did not matter. He used anyway. Found new sources to get it from. Nothing changed. I got him to rehab again. This would now be his second time at same rehab facility. But afterwards he slipped a few times but did eventually get clean…(again or so I thought). He was clean for about 5 yrs this time until his dad died and he has been using again ever since. Not Crack anymore. Now it’s cocaine. I know believe he dabbled in cocaine the entire time. Used it to get over Crack. Crack messed him up. He could not function on Crack. But with cocaine he could. Until now. Now he is spending $1000- $2000 a week. Hiding from me and the kids when high, locks himself in a room. Wanders the house at night while we are sleeping in a state of paranoia. I’m afraid the kids may get up and startle him. What if in the dark he mistakes them for whatever or whoever his mind thinks is coming for him. I want to leave so much but it’s not that easy. We own a home together. Lawyer said If I leave and he doesn’t pay mortgage then the bank will come after me to pay it as well. I can’t pay rent somewhere and pay mortgage here too. He refuses to leave, also refuses to sell the house. Plus there’s that part of me that still loves him and just wants a “normal life”. With him. With our kids. I want us all to be one happy family. I am having a really hard time. I wish I could just go and move somewhere sort of like a trial separation and see what happens. See for myself what my life will become. Will I be miserable and miss him too much? Will I be so happy and releived my life doesn’t revolve around him and his drug use and financial stress and constantly having to lie to everyone on his behalf. I need time and space but don’t know how to get it. Sorry. Thanks for letting me vent. But if anyone has any advice. …

    • TottiG

      Sounds just like my life right now.
      it’s hard. I take it day by day.
      But that’s tough when ur supposed to plan a future and a life together.
      Lost my faith but still I pray…every night and day I pray so hard.
      My heart is with you!

  • Thu

    Dear everyone. I have the same situation . My husband is using crystal. His my doesn’t work well. We leaved another country by that time I start to lose control. I am depending on him. I come here bought whole family, three people my husband, a daughter 4 years old and me. I don’t have permission to work and study. After spend all my money, right now we are all got help from his family until I have paper work and get control the situations. I want to leave but with out money and a daughter. I don’t know how to start. I want to come back to Vietnam to got the group of the women have the same situations stand up, because over there I have family but I still a fair. I want so badly that I will learn about addiction psychological and can help people like me right now get off without fair.

  • clee

    My lover of 7 years and.husband of 5 years is addicted to synthetics marijuana.. He smoked week when we.go.their which was fine it didn’t change.him.or effect him the way this does .. he passes out and I absolutely hate it I tell him all the time he needs get clean. that we ave 4 little boys that look up.to him but he swears it does not affect his parenting. I’ve threatened to leave and have actually took the kids and left and he quit for a while on his own then a friend as him to get some for.him and he did. Disregarding that I said it wasn’t a good idea and he started to smoke it again.. I’m at. my wits end with him and this drug use it kills me.. he is no longer.the person I married or even fell in love with.. I don’t know what to do…

    • Joe

      You request for help appears as if you’re messed up too…

      • Cindi

        Well that was a s***** comment you could have kept to yourself

  • c

    6 weeks ago I discovered that my husband is a Heroin addict when he left our home at 230 am because he was dope sick. I begged him not to leave and let me take him to a hospital where he could be detoxed comfortably and transition into rehab. He told me “get away from me you mother fucker” and left. It is at that point I should have called my parents and gotten out of the situation. Unfortunately, I panicked and let him come back into our home. Being that I am a health care professional, I thought I could fix him. It is what I do for a living and what I thought I could do for my husband. I sprang into action and made a series of appointments with various doctors and eventually (about two weeks later) got my husband to a place where he was detoxed and “safe” (he received a vivatrol injection and could not OD for 30 days). During the two weeks that he was supposed to be detoxing my husband continued to lie, manipulate and use. He blames “being hooked” for his behavior, I see it differently. This man literally put everything including my life at risk and spit in my face while I was trying desperately to help him. I am in therapy now and have made the decision that I do not want this for my life or my future, I deserve better. I hope all spouses of addicts know 1. your spouses addiction is not your fault, you are not to blame even if you have enabled
    2. an addict will not accept responsibility, admit they are powerless over their addiction and work for sobriety unless they absolutely want to
    3. unfortunately this acceptance of who they are and the destruction they have caused not only to their own lives but to the lives of their loved ones usually will not come until they hit rock bottom (that is a different for all addicts)
    4. you cannot fix an addict, you cannot do the work for an addict, you cannot achieve sobriety for them, the work, the struggle, the fight has to come from within them
    5. the only thing you can control is yourself, the choices and the decisions you make will shape your future, not your addicted spouses
    6. you have the right to leave, you have the right to fight for your own life and happiness and it does not make you any less of a loving or caring person

    My best friend asked me what I would do if I had found out my husband is an addict and I had a child. I told her I would wrap my arms around my child and run to protect him or her. She told me “then wrap your arms around yourself and run, love and protect you”. That is what I am doing because I have that right and so do all of you.

  • Sarah Alsbury

    My love since I was a teenage girl and husband of 3 years is addicted to Pills and marijuana…he has had the addiction since I’ve known him. I’ve left him several times, he’s physically and verbally abused me our entire marriage. I always give him another chance because he promises me the moon and stars and just the things I want to hear and promises me all these sweet things it lasts each time for about 2-3 weeks then he goes back to the selfish human being he truly is. His first thought in the morning is not of his wife lying beside him it’s about getting his fix for the day. All of the money goes to him and his needs.

    • Sarah Velasco

      Omg Sarah my name is Sarah and like you are saying exactly what I’m going through right now. It’s so bizarre!!! My husband is addicted to pills and marijuana. We have a baby girl which is prob the only difference and makes this so hard. What did u end up doing ?

    • Iqa Kashif

      Hello Sarah… Plzz tell me. What should i do. Same case is with me. My husband addicted to pills and cough syrups. I gave him 3 chances to get improve and kind to me .but he couldn’t change himself. He passed me 2 times divorce in hyperness. He gave me abusive when i say my talk. He even said .go and abort ur baby i dnt need u and ur baby. That time he get furios .later on he excuses me forgive me. Give 1 chance to me. But no i dnt know what should i do

  • Mandi

    I have been with my SO for 6 years now, we have a 2 year old boy and another boy due in July. Cocaine has been a problem on and off since I got pregnant with our first and I have always been the one to support us financially as he never held a job for too long. In December I had to quit mine due to health issues I am battling and even though he’s working and making good money he spends it all and isn’t home on the weekends and I just can’t handle it anymore. He hallucinates when he does too much or is up too long and it’s scary and I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. My son’s deserve better and so do I. I plan on leaving not too long after the baby is born and getting myself back on track for my boys. He’s already been to detox and skipped out on rehab and I feel with all the stress he’s put on me to hold everything together is why my health is how it is and some point enough is enough. He isn’t nice or loving to me anymore at this point and I refuse to leave my son alone with him because he’s either high or coming down. In the end we can’t change them, it’s up to them and the longer we stay and the more excuses we make on their behalf are just enabling the situation for them and I am no longer covering up his actions. I love him with all my heart but I love my son’s more and don’t want them to be apart of watching their father use drugs.

  • MS.UNDECIDED

    Ready this has me so upset & crying because I am Janet right now my husband of 15 years all together 28 years we we’re lovers before marriage I am trying to find the words to say because ppl may say what keep you there well two beautiful girl that loved there dad so much so I suffered cause the love I have for my girls Now that they’re older It has gotten worse he has loss his mom an not making excuses but he makes himself become this zombie like person All that has talked about is me like a reflection I wanna leave but how when U love this man He my best friend I can talk to him about anything sober or high an he gives me his input but I am emotionally drained I just want help for him I’ve already seeking help with the stress I’m scared if I leave he could OD where we from a lot of ppl care for him but I’ve notice they are in the same boat WHAT DO I DO I DON’T WANT HIM TO OD AND I AM NOT AROUND NO ONE MAY CARE FOR HIM LIKE I WOULD IM IN THE NURSING FIELD BUT AT THIS POINT IM SEVERELY DRAINED

    • TottiG

      Same boat….it’s terribly hard…even knowing the right thing to do, how? When u love somebody so much, how do u just let go? How do u just move on like they were never part of you? Smh desperate for an answer too…prayers with you

      • christina knopp

        In the same boat..my husband and I have been together for 19 years, he was clean for about 10 or so years, recently relapsed. My world has spiraled out of control, he has always been my soul mate..but now I am not enough, he has pulled away from me and been distant..I just feel empty! We have made whole life together, how do you just move on when half of you is cut off. He told me that he needs time apart , and now I am left taking care of bills we created together before he relapsed on 1 salary. I am the one that has always been there through heaven and Hell..why do I deserve to be alone?

    • McGahee Family

      I have known my husband since I was 12. We were just friends for years and then in 2014 he pursued me. In the 1st year of dating my apartment got robbed, so I thought. He later (years later) told me he was the one the stole my stuff. On our wedding night he told me he was going to go get a bottle of champagne. I didn’t hear from him again for 3 weeks. He contacted me and told me he was on drugs. It broke my heart. I wanted to help my friend. He has 2 children that he would frequently abandon and leave on me. I lost my car, my place, and my job because of him. The thing I lost that hurt the most was my happiness. I have been verbally, physically, and emotionally abused. When he stood me up on Valentine’s Day and my birthday (of this year) I had had enough. I told him to leave and take all his stuff with him. He tried to become physical and I called the police for help. He took off running. He had an active warrant for his arrest. From February until April he emailed me incessantly emotionally abusing me. I filed for divorce in March. April 2nd he turned himself in to the police. He was sentenced to 90 days in jail. I recently learned he is only going to do 67. He has contacted me telling me that things are going to be different and he has kicked his habit. 67 days is not enough time to kick an addiction I learned he has had for more than 8 years. I don’t trust him and I don’t think I ever will. I have been in turmoil trying to make my heart let go. I know I have to.

  • VANESSA BETTS

    I’m so tired

    • Amy L Roberts

      I’m 35 an I’ve been with my husband for 6 yrs his DOC is zanex and it can be any downer at all but once he takes it hear comes everything else crack, meth,heroin its doesn’t matter if he can snort it smoke it inject it he’s using. I’ve found needles I’ve searched his body for marks I’ve drug tested him because he’s never told me the truth.but I’m not stupid you can tell when your loved one is messed up. I also have two girls from my fist marriage 15&17 and we have ower son together see I’ve never excepted his choices I’ve fight so many times to the Pont to were I was ready to hurt him if he came home messed up but that didnt matter. Now I have my oldest daughter’s so mad at me. She had bet him in the head to get him out the house. My husband got 5staples in his head and my daughter went to jail.I am so hurt and torn I want to help my husband because I no he’ll just kill his self if I don’t but I also am tired .I don’t want to keep looking at the time on the receipts he brings home or not giving him cash only the card so I can see what he spends.I’m looking threw this dressers threw his pockets checking his phone taking his phone and leaving mine.omg I have done so much. I can keep on. He’s been going to the methadone clinic for a year now and maybe a Month would go by.an he’ll be ok and I’ll get a small moment with him the real him .but it never last. He doesn’t work.because he just got a hip replacement. I’m paying everything. And dealing with so much. He ended up totalling my car now I have a 20 year old lincon that I’m blessed still runs. But he dropped me off at work to take ower sonto the water park.only to leave me their for almost two hours bc he was to messed up to drive.that’s what did it after everything we been threw I’m still trying . I couldn’t take him home I kicked him out the car right their and I didn’t hear from him for 4 days and when I did it’s the cops asking me to come get him he’s to messed up to drive and the truck he’s in had a flat and tag wasnt in date. I was on my was to take ower son to the water park when I got that call.but for once I haven’t gave in to feeling sorry for him. If I keep on helping him he’s never going to hit bottom.

  • Eddie Rawlings

    I got addicted to pills around 16, when my mom and dad died, I used it as a coping mechanism. The pills turned into heroin after a few years, my life involved, getting high, and then, trying to not get sick, I never had extra money, I spent all of mine, I was always broke, wrecked numerous cars, I was arrested numerous times. I lost two people I loved to death, my last relationship I dragged her down, I treated her like crap, and not on purpose it was my addiction. I finally got clean after she left me, a week after she left, I got so high I drove my Ford explorer over a median slammed into another car and drove off, was arrested. I had so much opiates and benzos in my system I wasn’t coherent and I didn’t know what was going on. I went to prison (deservedly so) for a year. That was two years ago. I have been clean ever since. I now have a great job, a mortgage and a beautiful girl life couldn’t be better. There is a light at the end of the tunnel everybody. The question is, at what cost…..

  • Anthony

    Thank you for the insight into addiction from a female perspective. A male is to be be strong and lead himself, his wife, and thier children to the fulfillment of their unique dream of happiness together. Addiction is blinding in the way it is excusivily justified by the addict. “I’m fine” “its no big deal” “I got this” “it doesn’t effect anybody bit me”. For the past 2yrs I have struggled with marijuana use. I started smoking weed at age 15 and used it for creative inspiration as I am a guitar player. I met my girlfriend/future wife at age 21. It was all good we smoked together and bonded deeply. But when the kids started coming her instinctual protective nature kicked in. Needless to say she was clean as a whistle and so was I. Until we settled in a bit and started using mildly again for recreation occasionally. At that point a man cannot help but slip up a little and then comes her judgement of how you handle the kids or lack of “common sense”. Men make mistakes with kids and mother knows best. Anyways, once her judgment kicks in her expectations increase and if you don’t meet them your out. After talking with my father he said to me “is that all you wanna do with your life is sit around and smoke weed all day” So I quit everything at age 30. Sober life was good. got a good job, got ripped(fit) and she married me. 5yrs later complacency and boredom started to kick in we were happy no problems so we started occasionally using again mildly recreationally for stress relief. but the thing is even though my wife used with me she still instinctively turns away from a man if he shows signs of weakness in not being able to stop when necessary. My job is smoke free, I timed the tests pattern and kept it in check for a while still having the control to stop on my own when needed. But at some point I lost that control and became controlled I couldn’t stop on my own anymore. THIS IS A WEAKNESS FEMALES CAN SNIFF OUT! and your alpha status drops to beta as you are no longer in control of your, your wife’s and your children’s happiness. You are controlled by the addiction. Once Again I am in the situation where I must summon the inner strenghth and confidence a man must always possess for a woman, to quit everything and regain my control and balance. It is my choice as to whether I fail or succeed. My options are Addiction or Family and I choose FAMILY!
    stay strong my male brothers for the beautiful amazing women in your lives, they all deserve your Alpha best. I hope this helps at least one to achieve success

  • James

    Hi everyone,
    I’m on the other side of the conversation. I’m the addict with a wife who I love so much. We have 5 children and have been together since we were 15 years old (19 years now).
    It’s been 6 years since I took my first pain pill. Before that I wouldn’t even take a Tylenol. For the first 3 years it was just a recreational thing that I would do once a month or so. I even managed to get a college degree in Science and mathematics during this time and I graduated with a 4.0 GPA.
    Once I graduated I got a job but just 5 month later I was laid off. That’s when things changed drastically.
    I started using everyday and soon became dependant. The last 3 years I’ve put my wife through hell. I’ve spent money we didn’t have, been verbally abusive, became emotionally unavailable, had trouble keeping a steady job, been absent as a father, overdosed and nearly died twice, once with my 12 year old son present, etc. I’ve completely changed who I am as a person. I’m a worthless husband and father but I want to get better.
    The past 6 months have been the worst of my life. She now lives in a newly rented home with the kids while I live with my parents. I’ve tried doing an outpatient rehab center but was kicked out for missing too many meetings.
    I hardly sleep and am usually up at night by myself. Nights are the worst. I’m so lonely. Recently I’ve been trying to become more involved. I’ve been helping her more with the kids, house work, cleaning, etc…
    I’ve also been making a conceous effort to make myself more emotionally available. I tell her I love her multiple times per day, tell her she’s beautiful, give her praise on how hard of a worker she is and how good of a mother she is. I love this woman so much yet I still struggle to get clean.
    Just know that none of what you’re going through is your fault. A lot of people think, as I once did, it’s a conscious choice between our family and drugs but it’s not. It becomes compulsive and

    • miss me

      hello, I am in my 60’s and my husband is too and has been hooked on heroin for over a year now and it is really wearing on me. The lying, spending retirement savings and just the emotional distress is really wearing on me. What can i do ?

    • Sarah Cadenne de Lannoy

      Your story makes me so emotional. You speak a lot like my husband. Best of luck to you James x

  • Burgermeistermeisterburger

    If you haven’t already, I would suggest you read “Rational Recovery” by Jack Trimpey.
    What you said about your wife was touching, but only you and your will can stop your addiction. She may love you very much, but I can guarantee she lives her kids more and will eventually distance herself and her kids from you if you don’t take the necessary steps. I am the wife (and was the daughter, it killed my father) of an addict. I am doing the same. There is no cure except for you to make the decision to end it. Hopefully before it takes your life.

  • It’s me

    Feel like this is the story of my life.. I’ve physically detached but emotionally I’ve been struggling for over a year. We have a child. I want to see him be sober more than he wants..

    • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

      You can’t want it more than him, @It’s me. I’ve been in the same situation with my son and it’s heartbreaking. Sending you lots of love, light, and hope.

  • Anonomous

    Im 31 years old living with a poly substance user. My husband was married once before, of which the marriage ended due to his drug use. We have 6 kids all together, 2 of which we have together. He was clean when I met him 6 years ago. However, he was not clean for very long after we got together. I found pills ranging from oxycontin, Norco, and Methadone somewhere around 7 times in the last 5 years. Most recently I found Methamphetamine, which he admitted to using off and on for the last 2 years. His kids were taken from him by his ex wife, and I am on the verge of kicking him out of our home. He was very willing to go to rehab, which he did an outpatient program for 4 weeks, but was kicked out for being late too many times. His addictive behaviors have returned. I have asked if he is using again, he denies it. Hes angry, hostile and agitated and constantly blaming it on me. I want to make things work, but I don’t know if they are going to. I miss my husband, but I don’t know if he is every going to be able to come clean. He lies and cant keep a job. He gets unemployment but recently went through 350$ in 5 days. He has no answers. He went to the doctors today and I asked them to drug test him. He is pissed off at me and says that he can’t believe I did that. He has random drug testing through the court for the custody of his kids, which he didn’t show up to today. I dont know what to do.

  • BabyFirefly

    I’ve been in a relationship with a meth addict for almost 7 years. Of course, I didn’t KNOW it until a few years in, but it got really bad… bad enough that I moved out… but I never left him. He developed a serious gambling addiction in the last year and has lost everything. He’s pawned my engagement ring 3 times since December. This last time, the day after my birthday. He refuses to get a real job and because I felt bad for him when he and his roommate got evicted, I let him move in with me. Now he has no respect for me, my home or the fact that I have solely supported us since January. He is mean, rude and thinks nothing of taking my car for a quick errand and then being gone all night. He did get clean and was staying away from the casino. That lasted about 2 months. Now, he’s gambling (why he pawned my ring) and using. He denies it but the habits are obvious. I told him tonight I’m done and he needs to leave and he proceeded to call me names and yell at me telling me I’M the terrible person who just causes all the terrible things in his life. Ladies and gentlemen, this is ABUSE. I have been living it for years and have been too co-dependent and afraid to be on my own. No more. If he has to live on the street, that’s not my problem. I have given and given and I can’t give any more. Life is short and this is no way to live.

    • Danielle Spaulding VanHoose

      Hello My Name is Danielle and ive been married to my husband for almost 13years oct.16 and my husband i found out last late spring had been using meth i couldn’t believe it Meth really to me its so dirty he has lost everything his job numerous times ive tried sticking by his side but we have 3 kids and ive been selfish not thinking of them ive tried to keep this family together but i cant he has to do his part amd isnt by abusing meth over and over im so sick of hearing im done im sick of it danielle im not using anymore and he will go clean for 2 weeks or so then ill notice he isnt sleeping and is bugging out being paranoid and thinks he is being followed and he will still look at me and tell me he isnt on meth that just drives me crazy cause i know he doesnt act like this clean i hate drugs it has torn my family apart and im leaving him with our children actully he left us almaot 2years ago when he picked up meth and kept using it i feel for you i know what your going thru and be strong im making the descion to be strong and not allow this insanity anymore in my children’s lives and my own ove told him the person he is on meth is not ryan i said i do at the alter or who i fell in love with. He has been so abusive to me and nasty the withdraw when he lays around for days feeling like crap coming off meth he is so mean to me but expects me to be there for him time after time but im sick of it what about me and his kids i tell him no i dont deserve to be calld these nasty names and crap and then hear sorry after sorry amd then over agin it goes same crap. Its amazing to hear so many others going thru what i am i wish you all the best of luck

      • Alicia

        I just recently FINALLY left my addicted husband. I found out he was using meth a little over a year ago. I have no idea how long he was doing it before I found out, but I know he was on Adderall for a long time. I have two children. I started asking him to leave as soon as I found out. I didn’t care where he went, but I wanted him gone. It didn’t happen and it took a year for me to realize and accept the fact that it never would. I took my boys and we are staying at my mom’s house for now. If it weren’t for the support of my mother I have no idea how I would have ever gotten out of that hell. Lean on your people. Use whatever support you can find. That’s my best advice. You CANNOT fix them.

  • Amberly

    I’m so conflicted. I am 23, about to graduate college… have a great job lines up etc. But my SO is an addict. His DOC is xanex and injecting roxies. His last relapse left him in the hospital for three weeks, one of those weeks he was in induced coma and respiratory failure. He is extremely lucky to be alive. the relapse before that left him with felony charges. I have been with him for eight years.. since way before the addiction began. When he is sober, he is the man I fell in love with. He has been clean for nearly five months now, and things are back to normal. He has been working steadily, staying away from dealers, reconnecting with his family. But today he said that he thinks he needs loritabs (he works a very strenuous job) and honestly, I don’t know what to do. I think I would have left him last time if things hadn’t progressed to the hospital so quickly ( 1 day I found out, next day he was hospitalized)… and now I am worried it’s about to happen all over again. This is the first time he has ever opened up about it tho. I am just so confused.

    • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

      Amberly… I’m sorry you’re struggling with this right now. It’s great that your partner has been clean for five months, but the fact that he thinks he needs Lortabs is definitely a cause for concern. Wanting to use an opioid to combat stress is never a good idea…especially if you’re in recovery. There are just so many things that could go wrong. My suggestion would be to have a heart-to-heart conversation with him and try to get him to try other ways of dealing with stress. Things like deep-breathing exercises, meditation, exercise, yoga, etc. Trust me: Lortabs are NOT the answer for stress. Neither are benzos like Xanax or Klonopin. Our society is so eager to take a pill for everything, when in reality you can manage things like stress without any meds at all. Sometimes I think people just want to take the easy way out.

      Loving someone who struggles with addiction is an incredible challenge. Just remember what Nar-Anon and Al-Anon teach: You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. And never forget that YOUR life matters, too. You should always put you and your own health and well-being at the top of your priority list.

  • Leticia Melendez

    Thank for sharing your story. My husband is an addict,(25 years ), his choice of drug now is Tramadol and honestly any kind of pain pills. He buys Mexico Tramadol. He takes 25 a day. He had a seizure a month ago ended up in the hospital. Yesterday i woke up to finding him comatized and leaning over his cereal bowl unresponsive. I called 911. He claims he took 6 soma. He lies, steals and is very mean when he gets caught. I went thru hell with him when he was addicted to meth. He lost control of the car last week on the fwy with Me and our two young boys. His mind was ultered and he was speeding in the rain. He tells people that i am crazy and controlling. He makes himself look like an angel, but he wont tell them how many times he went to jail for robbery, takes money from his work many times, sells our stuff, hides pills in his anal ,planters, socks, bushes etc etc etc. I want to remove myself and our boys from this toxic and dangerous situation, but i feel stuck and scared to be on my own. He disappeared once for a month and no one helped me. I was getting evicted and no one wanted to help us. Please pray for us. I love him and i adore all my 5 kids. But as for me i feel dead and tired.

    • Brook

      You ok

  • Melissa Quell

    Hi everyone, I’m stuck and trying to get myself out of this relationship with my heroin addicted bf , his family enables him like no other so he can’t ever hit bottom. I live in the house his mother bought him , we don’t have any kids, so I literally am the one that has to leave and go struggle financially in order to get away from him and his addiction. But I have to go, I have no choice.. to save myself
    We’ve been together 5 years this month and now literally with his drug use I can not continue to live with him. I can’t be around this , I need to get out to save myself from this chaos .
    For him it’s heroine , he’s tried methadone which he did for over two years and he just recently left that program.
    Emotionally he’s a mess there’s a lot more going on for him besides this addiction. Along the lines of undiagnosed autism
    I can’t help him, I can’t fix him and I can not be near this.
    He’s not the guy I fell in love with. He’s also gained massive amounts of weight and multiple health problems ever increasing.
    Why is it so difficult to pull away and leave??
    I’m putting myself first and foremost and anything important to me like my dog and my horse as my top priorities, my job, my parents..
    I need to leave even though I love him. I must go and I’m finding it so difficult to do this

    • JZ

      You are not married and you have no children, run and dont look back. I wish i recognized the signs before getting married and to bring a child in the mix, its painful. Seriously take my advice and go while you can.

  • love brown

    Good Evening,

    Unfortunately I have founds myself in a similar situation. My husband and I just got married last November. These past few months have been hell. My husband is addicted to pain killers. I’m not sure what he takes, because he always tries to lie about it. I am just so frustrated. Every time he gets money, it disappears in the matter of hours. He can’t keep a job, because he just stops going. I have been paying all the bills by myself for months. It’s embarrassing, because he’s always asking people for money. It’s to the point that I don’t even want him around my family, because he’s always asking for a $1. I am feeling so overwhelmed. On top of all this he is extremely verbally abusive. He has never put his hands on me, but the most recent incident we had; he spit in my face. I’m just so tired of being with someone who is addicted to drugs and alcohol. I don’t know what to do. We just got married not too long ago, and I don’t know if it’s too quick to give up. When we first started dating four years ago, he did abuse some drugs. But he started doing really good, and went sober. His brother; who is an alcoholic moved out here a few months ago, and everything just went down hill from there. I don’t want to be with a drug addict for the rest of my life. That is not the type of man that I want my daughter around. I try really hard to be supportive, but I really just don’t know what to do. I’m so lost. I’m tired of being yelled at all the time, and talked down on. I feel like the only solution is to leave, but I know my husband is a good man. I’ve seen how he is, when he’s sober. I guess the hope of him getting back to that person, is what has me sticking around. I want to be with someone I can grow with, and create a future with. How am I supposed to do that with a drug addict?

    • Stephanie

      I have been married to an addict for 20 years. For about 6 maybe he was fine I thought it was behind us. Now for the last 2 1/2 years it’s been increasingly bad. I have lost the better part of my life, aging rapidly because of his addiction.

      Don’t let this much time pass to stop it from happening to you.

    • Sandra

      I’m so sorry to hear that. Addiction or no addiction, he had no right to spit on you!!!!! You can hang around as long as you want to but he’s not going to get help until he’s ready. I wish you luck

  • Amy L Roberts

    Thank u for sharing

  • Farrah

    I am a recovering wife with an addict husband. Even though I have changed he hasn’t. I begged him to go to rehab he refuses. Now it feels like I’m in a circus and chaos. I hate everything around me right now! I know I have to help him but how do I help without pushing him away

  • Sarah Cadenne de Lannoy

    Hi. I’m really struggling right now. My husband is addicted to coke and I resonate a lot with this post. I never know which version of my husband I’m going to get. He has too much money so can afford as mush as he wants and then when he doesn’t use for a few days he’s so depressed and everything is my fault. I love my husband desperately but he’s not ready to get help it seems and wants to carry on using. There has been infidelity on both sides I will add and last year I called the police twice on him as he was driving and using. He is banned for 3 years and is so angry at me because he says it’s the ultimate betrayal. I’ve lost my job and friends through stress, depression and because they couldn’t accept my choice to stay. There are no consequences for his actions as I have promised to never involve the police again. I feel so alone and helpless

    • Ella

      You need to leave. I did. You are not helping either of you by staying. You do not have to give up your life for his. Go. Either he will choose to get help or he won’t. You cannot make him while you are enabling him. You think you are helping by staying. You are not.

  • TKO

    When I met my wife, I was successful in the trades, I just bought my first 3family house and I owned my lifelong dream car Cadillac. I fell in love with her almost immediately. Things got serious pretty quickly and I was in heaven with her. Eventually, she introduced me to her brother, who had a bit of a troubled past, was on probation and needed a job and I was happy to bring him along with me in the trades. Soon, he and I were working side by side and he begin to bring in Percocet to work, was offering to give them to me as a gift. But I was never interested in pills and I turned him down for months. Finally, one day in my backyard, he offered me a tiny yellow pill with the number 40 stamped on it. We talked about it for a couple of minutes, and as soon as he turned his back, I threw it in my mouth and swallowed it. I felt sick for the first 30 minutes, but once that passed, I felt something I had never even imagined. I had finally found what I’d been looking for my whole life. I continued to take OxyContin, for free, for the next2 weeks. One weekend, my future wife asked me if I wanted to split an OxyContin with her. I agreed to split one with her that night, and she slept through the whole thing while I stayed up and enjoyed it. The next weekend, she asked me again, but that time, I said no, and I told her why. I told my future wife that it wasn’t a good idea for her to take them. I told her why and I asked her to help me tell her mother and ask for help. But she was terrified of her mother, so I approached her myself, and she did not take it the way I imagined. To make a long story short, her mom sort of shooed me away with one hand and stormed off, ignoring me. Three years later, her brother had passed on from drugs, I was a full-blown addict. A year after that, my wife was tellingme that halfway houses were no good. She told me not to go, so 7 years later, and maybe 10 detoxes later, denying me the support of finding a halfway house each and every time, I told her that I was going to a detox and then halfway house for 6 to 12 months no matter what she said. She responded by telling me that if I went I would never see my kids again and I would never be welcomed home. By this time, money was so tight, we were fighting all the time, and I think just about anyone who meant anything to us, already knew. So the addiction continued for the next three years. I was taking money out of bank accounts, I was returning things from the grocery store, I was breaking all sorts of rules, telling all sorts of lies, pulling the same terrible tricks, just to satisfy my own selfishness, to get drugs. As the years went on, I got worse and worse. I continued to use and she continued to not support me. She refused to go to family and marriage counseling, she refused to go to al anon.

    • gigi

      so whats your point? Was their one?

  • Bella

    I am in an even worse and more toxic situation . My husband does not even want help . His behaviour affects our lives every day . To be able to leave – I first need an income to feed myself and three children as well as another place to go – as he sits in what truly is MY house and won’t leave but keeps coming home every night taking his “legal” substances and going psychotic with zombi episodes you can barely imagine . But not just shizophrenic and zombi , but he also gets evil at us deliberately .

    • Sophia

      Bella,
      I am in a very similar situation. I also have three young children and a very sick and addicted partner who also abuses his “legal prescribed” pain and ADHD medication. It has been the worst 10 years. I haven’t found the courage to leave until now. I still find myself going to visit him and I keep having faith when I know he doesn’t want to get sober. My heart is in a million pieces and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to feel or how to move on. I feel scared and alone, like no one I am
      Close with understands how hard it is for me to be strong enough to leave. I am living with my family and glad I made that choice. But he only seems to be getting worse now that he lives alone in our apartment.

      • Just me

        Same situation here. I now live with my parents and it’s hard! My husband will tell me he’s trying but it’s always the same lie. It’s hard to leave. I have been in the for around 10 years and it has only gotten worse. I left and he has no way of going or a phone but yet still finds ways to get what he needs. I find myself making sure he has what he needs but it’s hard to come to your home and then have to leave due to something that’s not yours or your babies fault and it really pisses me off! I try hard not to go back but it hard not to when I don’t know if he’s ok or alive for that matter. I pray for you all! It’s a very harsh situation to live in.

  • Charles

    I’m in same situation, my wife of 7 years started with a legal prescription for pain pills and xanax and it has only grown worse. Every single bit of currency she gets she buys pills with and refills her legal bottles. We have 4 children and I’ve been holding on for a couple years now but things are only getting worse. Are there any articles anyone else has found that helps with any of this?

  • dan

    I been together for 2 years with Shasta, she is addicted to heroin. we have broke up 4 times and i always take her back she gets help but ends up back on it. i love her but can live with her anymore through her out this was a bad one felt awful but could not deal with it anymore. she was bringing me down , personal life,professional life and most important my family life. two days after she is in detox i feel this is not enough she needs more been down this road before. the arguing always ended up been my fault she saw nothing wrong. burnt out have nothing left ….

    • Keri

      I feel your pain my husband makes me feel the exact same way

  • Lynn Johnson

    I have left my husband of almost 30 years and staying with my son’s, about a mile from my home I’ve made with Bob. It is going on 4 days and for the first time, I can acually breath ☺

  • Keri

    I wish I knew what to do. My husband who has been abusing prescription narcotics started therapy BUT tells me we are now completely broke. I’m just angry. Angry that the settlement he got on his accident that we were going to take our daughter on vacation with is gone, I’m angry cause I work 6 days a week to have extra money to do more fun stuff, I did this for NOTHING! Angry because if I try to do something for myself or try to have any friends, I’m told that I’m selfish! I know I want to leave but like you I don’t want to be the one to abandon him. He is an amazing father to our daughter and I wouldn’t take her away from him for anything in the world but I need happiness in MY LIFE for once and I don’t even know where to start or to even begin to take up for myself. I literally have no one to turn to. The only family I have is our daughter and I have one girlfriend that I work with but that is literally it. I have tried to find some support groups around here but while there are plenty for the addict, there are absolutely none for the spouses so I just suffer in silence. Thanks for listening

    • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

      Keri… You can find Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, and SMART Recovery Family & Friends meetings online. While it’s not exactly the same as face-to-face meetings, they can be incredibly helpful. I would suggest visiting the In the Rooms website (https://www.intherooms.com) or the SMART Recovery website (https://www.smartrecovery.org). There is help out there for you! Also, I highly recommend the book Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. It’s written specifically for partners and parents of people struggling with addiction and is full of incredibly helpful information.

  • Julie Wyrick Lemons

    My Husband ha HepC, has failed treatment twice , has had heptocellular carcinoma two times and is now in need of a liver transplant . In order to get in the transplant list he has to quit smoking cigerettes and Weed. He has had five months to get clean and has tested two times dirty!! I don’t know how long the doctors will continue to wait and literally this is life or death. I’ve been so angry with him . I just don’t understand why it’s so hard to stop. I feel like it’s to hard so he just would rather die . I’m completely heart broken and don’t know if I can continue to stay in this marriage if he decides to stay smoking and not get the transplant?

  • DDJ

    I have been married to my husband since 2006. We have been together for over 14 years. He is a drug addict. He has been on every drug possible. His drug of choice is crack cocaine. We have lost everything, a home, cars, friends, family, etc. I think my breaking point was when my mother passed away in May. I needed him to be here for me and I realized he would never be the person I needed him to be. He can’t take care of himself much less me. I made him leave. He is living in a nasty motel with other drug addicts. He lost his vehicle to a drug dealer. Two weeks ago he called me and asked me to take him to rehab. I took him and dropped him off. This will make at least his 10th trip to rehab. He stayed for two weeks and then walked out when I refused to come back to him. Since I have been away from him it feels like a weight has been lifted from me. The stress of his issues is gone. I am worrying about me for the first time in 14 years. I was recently diagnosed with early stage of thyroid cancer. It is awful to say, but my life is finally coming together since he has been gone. I do not want to turn my back on him, but I don’t know if I can ever go back to him. I have done that over and over and I was his enabler. I will be supportive of him, but I realize now that I don’t ever want to go back to that life again.

  • Marilyn

    Hey, I’m 29 year old mother of two precious little girls and wife of 8 years. I found out around three years ago my husband was addicted to pain pills and since then it’s xanx for sure and honestly from what I’m starting to think is whatever type of pill he can get. Hiding this secret from everyone is getting so draining and having no one to talk to about it makes it even harder. He is a very hands on father and our girls just adore him more then anyone even myself & im a great mom..I devote my life to them & am a stay at home mom & always have been. So that’s what makes this even harder is worrying that if I were to leave my pill addicted husband my kids will hate me. They are 6&2 so it’s not like I can explain things to them. But they wouldn’t get to stay with him bc I wouldn’t be there to protect them like I always am and he sometimes (most times) isn’t in his right mind. Anyone else struggle with this same problem and if so anything help you??? I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this. I grew up with drug and alcohol addicted father and always told myself one day I will get away from this when it’s my choice one day this won’t happen in my home and years later here I am. I have no family to turn to they are all addicts and so we will be starting all over. But I have made my mind up just waiting for the right time and trying to figure out how to go about it with our daughters. I have begged and pleaded for him to quit and he has said he will try and never does. I’m just done waiting and wasting my life with a drug addict when I HATE drugs.

  • GLORIA

    I recently gotten married to the father of my 3 little girls who we share together. He was an active drug user our whole 6 years of the relationship. There was a lot of lying, cheating, mental and physical abuse a lot of loneliness on my part of feeling like I was mom and dad. A few months ago he decided to get him self clean and into a rehab after finishing the program we got married. He recently got in touch with his father and brothers who he used to do drugs with. I am now thinking of ending this marriage because he wants a relationship with people who are active users and turned him onto drugs. He is living a clean and sober life barley 3 months into being sober of being on meth for 10 years. He has constantly put his family first and not ours and I cant take it anymore. We do not live together and he lives in a sober living and life after marriage seems to have fizzled down. I hate to be the wife who says you have to chose your family or ours we made together.

  • T

    My partner has been on drugs since before we met, it’s been 9 years we have 3 children and I seriously can’t live my life like this anymore. He lost his father over a year ago so I feel bad for considering splitting up as he has no-one else. He’s not bad to me or the kids he’s just lazy hardly helps and if I dare bring up how I feel I’m made to feel the bad one. I don’t have it in me to split up with him I do love him with all my heart but I do everything unless I practically shout at him. My heads all over the place I can’t think straight. I need some guidance for anyone in my situation. Also bare in mind I was raised my both drug addict parents so I don’t know any other life apart from this. I’ve never tried and I never will touch drugs. I focus on my children and do my best for them trying to lead a normal life whatever that is.

    • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

      T… I’m sorry that your husband is struggling with addiction, and that you are in turn suffering, too. Addiction is definitely a family disease. I highly recommend that you pick up a book called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. It’s written specifically for partners and parents of people battling addiction and it’s full of incredibly helpful information. Stuff like how to communicate better with your loved one; how to talk to them to help motivate them to want to change; and–most importantly, I think–how to take care of yourself while you’re dealing with their issues. It’s a book I wish I would’ve had when my son’s addiction first came to light. I think it will really help you in a lot of ways.

      I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers. And I’m sending you tons of love, light, and hope.

  • RT

    I have been married to my husband for 19 years and we have three children together. The doctor put him on pain pills for cluster headaches about 4 years ago. I found him taking more and more until I found him buying off the street. Since then he is not working and I am the one paying for everything. We tried the suboxin clinic and it helped for a little while but he ended up doing both. He claims he’s not hurting anyone but himself and I find that I am not happy anymore. I am afraid that one day I will come home and find him on the floor with an overdose. I have since quit giving him money and for the last week we have not spoken a word to each other. He does nothing around the house, for the kids or even go anywhere with me. He is set up again to speak to a counselor and do the suboxin clinic again. I feel that if I leave something will happen and I feel guilty because he has no means to support himself. I find myself so depressed and lonely with no one to talk to that has no idea what to say to me except leave. I am so confused right now.

    • Heather Kuster

      Hi I just read your story and it blew me away I’m in the same situation but I haven’t left yet I am also feeling guilty then I get mad at myself for putting up with everything and still work and bills I’m literally going crazy.. I also have threatened to leave but this time I think I’m ready I can’t do it he snorts coke every night and is up all night long high and I can’t stand to see him like this I can’t even have sex with him I’m totally turned off I’m scared and don’t know what to do.. I have no family and my daughter is living her own life.. Any advice

  • humey samm

    My husband is quitting heroin third time he is irritating me I think my brain isn’t working what should I do? Plz help