When Your Loved One Has an Addiction: What Helps and What Doesn’t?

Counseling - In Tears
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“Addiction is a family disease.”

“Stop being codependent with the addict in your life.”

“Let him hit bottom.”

“Detach with love, and just take care of yourself.”

“You can’t get an addict to go to rehab; focus on changing yourself.”

These messages are commonly received by family members of loved ones with addiction. Are they true? Do they help? While having a relative who struggles with a substance use disorder can cause a great deal of hardship for families, there’s no scientific evidence that “something is wrong” with such families. Yet treatment facilities typically view addiction as a “family disease” that requires relatives of the addicted person to go through their own recovery process, most often through Al-Anon or a similar 12-step self-help group like Nar-Anon (for families of drug-addicted people) or Families Anonymous.

The word “codependence” is used a lot, and some treatment facilities have programs just to treat that, even though the American Psychiatric Association rejected the term from its diagnostic manual because of lack of evidence supporting its validity. Codependence was originally coined to describe actions of family members who inadvertently made it easier for addicted people to continue using. But now the term is often used for far too many behaviors, mainly describing those who generally gain a sense of identity through unhealthy interactions with others.

The notions that the addicted person has to “hit bottom” (many people recover before hitting bottom – in fact, we want them to) and loved ones should detach, just taking care of themselves simply aren’t true, and in a number of cases have led to unfortunate consequences.

Following many years of life in and out of rehab, Terry was found frozen in a snow bank after McGovern and his wife followed the advice of a counselor to limit contact…-Anne FletcherA high-profile example of this was the death of the late senator George McGovern’s daughter, whose story was documented in his book, Terry: My Daughter’s Life-and-Death Struggle with Alcoholism. Following many years of life in and out of rehab, Terry was found frozen in a snow bank after McGovern and his wife followed the advice of a counselor to limit contact with her. He wrote movingly about how he regretted taking that advice.

Unfortunately, there isn’t research to guide us about the “right” thing to do when someone in your life struggles with addiction and, in turn, causes problems for the family. Certainly, family members have their limits and right to establish boundaries. However, that doesn’t mean they have to abandon the addicted person. When I asked one of the most well-versed experts in the field of addiction, the University of Washington’s Daniel Kivlahan, Ph.D., about this topic, he said, “There is good evidence that being abandoned by loved ones in fact hurts one’s chances of recovery. But all family members and loved ones have their limits, and I consider it important to respect them.”

A Sister Speaks on Tough Love

Side Note Picture Toward the end of writing Inside Rehab, I received an alarming e-mail informing me of thirty-seven-year-old Wyatt D.’s drug-related death. Shortly after, I spoke with his family members who shared mixed feelings about Wyatt’s struggles with addiction and his multiple treatment experiences, which cost as much as a million dollars.

But in the end, they all agreed when one of his sisters said, “Sometimes, I got mad at him, but we were lucky we were on good terms. The last thing he said to our father was, ‘Dad, I love you more than you’ll ever know.’ The tough love approach is not always the right way to go, and the judgment placed on those who don’t go that route bothers me. If we had done that, Wyatt would have been dead a long time ago.”

Research clearly shows that there are steps you can take to move an addicted person to action – before they “crash and burn.” The overall approach is called Community Reinforcement and Family Training or CRAFT and was developed by Robert Meyers, Ph.D., Research Associate Professor Emeritus at the University of New Mexico’s Center on Alcoholism, Substance Abuse and Addiction. CRAFT has consistently been shown in research studies to be far more effective at getting resistant people into treatment than strategies like those made famous on the TV show, Intervention, whereby family members confront the addicted person about his or her behavior in the presence of an “interventionist” and then try to get the person to enter treatment. And family members have reported a marked reduction in their own adverse physical symptoms, depression, anger, and anxiety after participating in CRAFT training.

Family members have reported a marked reduction in their own adverse physical symptoms, depression, anger, and anxiety after participating in CRAFT training.-Anne Fletcher

Continue Reading Part II: You Can Motivate Your Loved One to Get Help

The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Rehabs.com. We do believe in healthy dialogue on all topics and we welcome the opinions of our professional contributors.

What Are Your Thoughts on this Topic?

  • Tired

    I have taken my 22 hear old daughter to rehab. A week later she signed out and went right back to pills. When she is near death or hiding out she comes home to withdraw. They are horrible. She screams at the top of her lungs mom mom help make it stop. It’s been five years I’m exhausted and no life of my own any more. I have took her to doctors no help I have taken her to counseling she refuses to go back. I tried to get her arrested didn’t work. I have done all I know I have given my whole life to her. Her sister is in collage on the deans list we are so proud of her. When we make plans with her never fails my oldest is home going through withdraws. I want her out of my house but then I’m told I have to take her to court. I’m just done I have nothing left for my husband and my youngest daughter. I now know she has to want to help herself I can’t do it for her.

    • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

      Tired… I’m so sorry to hear of the struggles you’re going through with your daughter. My wife and I went through similar struggles with our son between the ages of 16 and 22. After multiple rehabs, counseling, etc., we finally realized that we had become addicted to our son’s addiction. Our lives were no longer ours, and our day-to-day happiness and well-being depended solely on how our son was feeling/acting. It was a living nightmare. It was a very difficult step, but we finally decided we couldn’t do it anymore. After an especially challenging stretch, we told our son he either had to go back to residential treatment or leave our home. He chose to leave our home, but came back a couple of days later and said he’d go to treatment. After 38 days of treatment, he went to a sober living home. He stayed in sober living for more than a year before moving in with his girlfriend. The bottom line was that my wife and I made the decision that we had to get OUR lives back. Al-Anon teaches us that we didn’t cause our loved one’s addiction, we can’t control it, and we can’t cure it. So letting it affect our own lives 24/7/365 is not a healthy thing to do. As parents, we want to control things and fix things; but we can’t. I am not telling you what you should do; I’m just sharing the experience my wife and I had with our son. Also, I’m not sure why you’d have to take your daughter to court in order to have her leave your home. It’s your home, and your daughter is an adult. If you don’t want her there, you should be able to just tell her to leave. Unless there’s some law I don’t know about. I will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers. Peace and hugs to you.

      • Tired

        Thank you for your support it truely means the world to me right now. I thank you for sharing your story with me, it has been extremely helpful. I know what I have to do I honestly think I was needing someone to tell me its OK and time to do so. Thank you
        Sent from my Verizon Wireless 4G LTE Droid

        • http://mylifeas3d.blogspot.com/ DeanDD

          Tired… You can reach out to me anytime you need to. You can contact me through the “Contact Form” on my blog. Here’s the link:

  • Jen

    I need help!!!

  • Talya

    I am 32 years old a woman . I came from the family that everyone has addictions even my relatives. I get rid of from my alcoholism. I drank 8 years every time I got a chance. Last years met drugs. I used 2 months and found myself with drugs. I was lost for 4 years. Then I made a decision to go to a psychiatrist. I told him ” there should be some drugs I can get rid of from alcohol and drugs” he said ” yes of course but you can’t use them if you will continue to use any of them ” I said ok. I couldn’t make it happened first because my friends were using drugs . What happened ? After a month , someone raped me when I was drunk. They hit me after they rape. I went to the police and hospital . I needed rape kit . They didn’t give me. I wanted to sue them. I had concussion so much . I was talking barley. Polices closed me in a room and told me ” now you will write down that ,you are drunk and can’t sue anyone for now , or we will not let you go” there wasn’t any camera all key to run away from this bad situation. Because I leanrded that lately the people who raped me has a good position of new airport. I was drunk at 12 am . I was at the police station at 6-7am. They didn’t listen to me even they saw everywhere blood on my clothes . (My country is Turkey . It happened in Istanbul. Doesn’t matter where you are the matter is how you are , drunk or no ) that was a big life lesson to me . Since that day 9 months I don’t drink. I am more powerful to fight now. No one can tell me anymore ” you were so drunk you didn’t know what to say or you forgot” . I heard those sentences a lot in 8 years. I didn’t prefer to drink front of people but they still blamed me for something they have done. They were drunk but mean drunk. Anyway, I feel so good now. You can’t help anyone else if they don’t want to get help or change respect their self. I have a husband who has been alcoholic for 20 years
    (He is 52 years old ). Also my cousins. What I do ? nothing . Because they don’t want to stop .